To think I should keep an eye on this woman?

[Evilrhooo]

My DP is a good looking barman. I am used to customers flirting and have only ever got annoyed when they've gone too far (pushing me out of way to give him their number for instance) but it hasn't happened for a while. Wide awake my phone is flat, so I go on his tablet. Messenger is up and I see a conversation between him and a woman who I don't know. She seems to be driving the conversation, it's not about hot sex or anything but just unnecessary iyswim. She does also say they had a good time didn't they? This is probably referring to a night he worked so he was doing his job. I am now feeling really uncomfortable though. I think it's because he's not mentioned it, we have no friends in common on fb and she is not his friend which is odd in this tiny place and I now feel really insecure.
Aibu to feel like this and how would you feel? Thanks xx

If you don't mention it to DP he will think all is ok and that you don't know about it. Would you be happy with that and where it might go?

Agree with pp this kind of thing happening will not go away in such a workplace.

I'd say if you can't just ask him about this and have an adult conversation then you have far bigger problems in your relationship than some random woman.

If she was just a customer why would they have each other's details to start the chat on messenger? I think a serious conversation is definitely needed. Where there any other chats that worried you?

I'm not sure to be honest, I'm always a bit dubious that it's simply the wife really doesn't want her partner to have any female friends and if he does, they need to be her friend too and she needs to know about the conversation.

Personally I'd just ask who she is, I certainly wouldn't jump to any conclusions that they were anything more than mates.

Definitely talk to him. How would he feel if you were messaging a man the same thing? Id struggle to trust him again tbh.

I'd say if you can't just ask him about this and have an adult conversation then you have far bigger problems in your relationship than some random woman.

Get rid. He works in a a bar we all know why men work in bars, plus long term prospects are shit.

Get rid. He works in a a bar we all know why men work in bars, plus long term prospects are shit.

What? Why?

What about women who work in bars?

Get rid. He works in a a bar we all know why men work in bars, plus long term prospects are shit.

Lolathedarkdestroyer

Excuse me? What's that supposed to mean ?

And what does that mean for me, who works in a bar?

Lol to Lola. My DH is bar manager at the most famous nightclub in a big European city... Prospects are not shit, and I know exactly why he works at the bar; fantastic pay, huge tips and free time in the day to be with our children :D

As for the OP... I wouldn't be happy/comfortable. It does take some getting used to, and hard work not to have the odd insecure wobble... but that would be a massive red flag waving at me and would be giving him one chance to give me a great explanation :)

Agree with you toomuch big bonus knowing my son is tucked up fast asleep in bed when I leave for work and still in bed when I get back and we have all day together.

Yes OP I'd have a talk with him and see what he says, I think you'll know more depending on his reaction

Good luck OP!

The big flag for me OP is the you look stunning as normal!

Now we all know friends of DH that will say this if you are out etc but it is just a nicety to break the ice. There was no initial reason to say this on messenger.

I once had a DP (Not current DH) That got himself wrapped up in a bit of cheeky texting. I found out and it made me feel really upset and anxious as you do. I didn't say to him that I had found something but what I did do was take his phone to him and tell him I thought something was up and that he was using his phone at odd times etc... I then asked him if there was likely to be stuff on his phone that I would find upsetting (he did not know I had looked through it) and he replied that there was. I then gave him the opportunity to delete the girls number and messages infront of me if he felt he couldn't talk to her in a way that was upsetting for me.

This actually solved our problem at the time and avoided the whole looking like a snooping sally!

Frankly Lola that's a load of manure. The he is working at a bar and a shop to earn enough.

I have spoken to him and he said they were vague friends. I would like to know why you would be texting such a person. I am so sad. At first he was all oh don't worry and nice. Then he got defensive.

Doesn't sound good OP..
Texting a "vague friend" at 3am?

lola? Really.....?

OP, you shouldn't have to keep your eye on anyone in a proper relationship. She's not your problem, he is

A bit too late posting this, but I would not have said anything yet. Now you've spoken to him he will be extra cautious about any correspondence with her if there is anything dodgy going on.

Sorry this is happening to you, I'd also be feeling insecure about this.

Hopefully he will calm down and apologise for getting defensive.

It doesn't sound right sorry .... I'd be so upset if I had found that too - defensive not good either

Sounds like you don't trust his reaction and it sounds like you are right not to. Hope you can get to the bottom of this

My first reaction if someone is messaging someone at 3am would be that they are not 'vague' friends however I do think sometimes it can be innocent, as in not any affair intended, but still crossing boundaries.

It's so difficult when it's probably just inappropriate messages rather than anything more but it is still hurtful and makes you feel insecure. I have had similar feelings with DH in the past, I am 99.9% sure he has never cheated or anything close however we have had words about the level of friendships, especially at work, he is a very anxious and insecure person and seems to want to be everyone's friend, it's not always appropriate.

I would have massive issues if it had been messages at 3am, this somehow seems worse, just feels like it is asking for trouble, even if your DH has no feelings/intentions, it completely sends the wrong signals.

Sorry op something definitely isn't right. Be prepared for him to turn it into you being insecure, that's what my ex did. Trust your gut. I have loads of male friends but I would consider it overstepping the mark for them to message me at 3am saying I was "stunning as usual". He may or may not have cheated. What he's done for sure is disrespected you. His reaction of getting defensive is very telling.

In my world messaging someone at 3 am to tell them they looked 'stunning as usual' would be a huge red flag that they are either having an affair, want to have an affair, or at the very least have no respect for the person they are supposed to be putting above all others.

I would go ballistic, but maybe that's just me. You deserve better and need to realise that. Where your DP may or may not work has bugger all to do with anything.