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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DP to do one "night shift" with baby

53 replies

iloveberries · 20/01/2017 05:23

I'm breaking. Baby is 4 months but doesn't sleep more than 2 hrs at a time. Breastfed but will have a bottle. I've done everything since he was born (I thought things would be much more "shared" and we had also discussed this). I am in desperate need of sleep.

I just asked DP if he could do a night tonight and I could stay at a friend's and he's huffed at me and rolled over. I want to cry.
AIBU to bring this up again in the morning and to want him to do ONE NIGHT in 4 months??

OP posts:

FrizzyNoodles · 20/01/2017 05:26

Yanbu. I'm a single mother and this is one of the things that contributed.

schokolade · 20/01/2017 05:27

What reason does he give for not wanting to do this?

Not that I can think of an acceptable one, mind...

Original poster

iloveberries · 20/01/2017 05:27

TBH he's away 3 nights a week with work and it's easier as don't have to listen to his god awful snoring

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 20/01/2017 05:29

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Remind him of the discussion you had before the baby was born about sharing the responsibilities. Ask him if he thinks he's done that. Ask him why and when he has decided that you should do ALL of it. See what his answer is, and hopefully you shame him into stepping up.

crazycoyote · 20/01/2017 05:30

YANBU. Not one bit.

DP is being absolutely unreasonable, and selfish. You both brought your son into the world, and it is the responsibility of BOTH of you to take care of him. You're not a robot, and this isn't the 1800s. You say you have discussed this before with him - so he just talks, but doesn't show?

I have twin daughters (now in their early 30s) and when they were born, DH was an absolute trooper. He went above and beyond and never complained. We shared responsibilities equally.

I sympathise with you. Your DP is being a selfish moron.

isthistoonosy · 20/01/2017 05:35

Assuming your on mat leave and he works 5 days a week he should be doing one night a week and giving you a lay in. He should also either stay up a bit later than you or get up early with the baby on work days so you get a bit of unbroken sleep.
He needs to.step.up and start parenting with you.

JC23 · 20/01/2017 05:58

100% agree with isthistoonosy

emmyrose2000 · 20/01/2017 06:23

Assuming he works Mon-Fri, he should be doing all the night shifts every Friday and Saturday night (or whatever two nights he gets off every week).

Since baby will take a bottle, I'd make arrangements to sleep elsewhere one night on my own, and just leave DH and baby to it - no discussion, no arguing, just action.

44PumpLane · 20/01/2017 06:31

Why isn't he doing a weekend night?

My husband works full time in a physically demanding job and is a terrible sleeper- I have him sleep in the spare room as I want him to get as much sleep as possible.

Our twins are nearing 8 weeks and the way we work it is that I do nights Sunday night to Thursday night, then at the weekend we each do a night (he chooses whether he does fri or sat night). Plus he is very hands on in the evenings.

You need to ask him why he thinks your job has to be 24/7 while his is only 9-5/ 7-7 whatever.

MsJamieFraser · 20/01/2017 06:34

I wouldn't even be asking him, I'd be telling him.

MinnowAndTheBear · 20/01/2017 06:44

I totally agree with the others; DP needs to start pulling his weight. However I just wanted to mention that if you're breastfeeding you might find it uncomfortable to go all night without feeding.
Perhaps agree to him doing the first feed with a bottle, and then for other wakings you could feed him and then pass him straight to DP for nappy change/rocking to sleep etc.
Hve you tried just refusing to get out of bed in the night when baby wakes? Insist on him getting up/prod him until he does.

Retweet · 20/01/2017 06:48

Don't have any more babies with this loser

StubbornCustard · 20/01/2017 06:55

If he won't do a whole night could you give him the baby at say 7pm and leave a pizza or takeaway menu. Then tell him not to bring the baby to you until midnight? You just need a block of sleep, it doesn't have to be overnight.

BenefitsQuestions · 20/01/2017 06:57

What the hell? Why do women breed with such arsesholes??

Does he pretend to love you? This isn't how you treat people you love he should be looking after his child. YANBU you need to sort this now or the next 18 years will be shit.

megletthesecond · 20/01/2017 07:01

Yanbu. Like frizzy I'm a lp whose xp refused to get up at night and it massively contributed to ending it.

drivingmisspotty · 20/01/2017 07:05

Did our suggest this to him for the first time in the middle of the night? YANBU to expect him to do more and YANBU to bring it up again in the morning/this evening but YABU to expect any sense out of anyone in the middle other night when they are barely awake. I fear it would have turned into a row I he had woken up and this is best for you to discuss during daylight hours when you are both calmer.

ZZZZ1111 · 20/01/2017 07:14

No of course not. He may be more receptive once he wakes up today! My husband used to do blocks of looking after our baby at night when he was younger. Also breastfed but took bottle ok. Even just a few hours of sleep in the spare room did me good.

Also lie ins on a weekend can also help. If he can take the baby out for a few hours so you can have a chunk of sleep. It's something to look forward to during the tough week too!

morningafterglow · 20/01/2017 07:19

To echo what everyone else says. He should be doing 1 night when he's not got work the next day as standard, no discussion. You can be generous and let him choose which night.

With our DC1 we also used the evening as a way of me catching up. I would go to bed 7-8pm and leave baby with DH for the evening, he did an expressed bottle and then quietly returned baby next to me in Moses basket when he came to bed, then I often got until 2am or so before next feed. This method helped me survive the early weeks and DH says really helped him to bond having that 1:1 time.

If he isn't open to discussing any of the above options then I am so sorry, he's an arse.

Hope you get a rest soon, it's so hard even with support, it does get better

mirokarikovo · 20/01/2017 07:21

yabu for saying ONE night - he should be doing at least 2 a week - 3 ideally if that wouldn't be too incompatible with breastfeeding plans.

He needs to step up.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 20/01/2017 07:21

Don't have any more babies with this loser

ODFOD, OP has given us very little context and you come up with that shite

Thattimeofyearagain · 20/01/2017 07:22

Is he up and about and have you told him its his turn tonight?

KellyBoo800 · 20/01/2017 07:23

YABU to expect any sense out of anyone in the middle other night when they are barely awake.

This. He should absolutely be pulling his weight on the nights when he doesn't have work in the morning, but assuming you've asked him in the early hours of the morning when he doesn't yet need to be awake (which I'd assume from him rolling back over, so it's not like he is already up and getting ready for work) I can understand the reaction. Have a proper conversation with him about it at a reasonable time and if he has the same reaction then he is being a dick.

augustbody · 20/01/2017 07:26

ODFOD, OP has given us very little context and you come up with that shite

I know! Everyone piling in to say LTB - so helpful......

Tbh, 5am probably not the best time to discuss this. DH and I have had some of our biggest arguements are not the most reasonable of people at this time of day!

FurryLittleTwerp · 20/01/2017 07:30

If you were my friend, I'd have you over to stay with the baby, and do the night feeds for you.

He is being unreasonable. My DH is unreasonable in a lot of ways, but he did a lot of the overnight feeds, purely because he copes with much less sleep than I do, so it made sense.

Oysterbabe · 20/01/2017 07:31

Did you trust him to look after the baby properly overnight if you leave them?

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