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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being a nasty mam?

72 replies

Dementedswan · 13/01/2017 17:38

I got called in to speak to ds age 6 teacher tonight. He's been silly and disruptive the last couple of days. Refusing to do set work and being rude. Teacher asked me to have words with him over his behaviour. The three of us discussed it and Ds agreed he would have a fresh start on Monday. I told him I would think about a punishment on the way home.

We leave the class and Ds immediately starts calling me names, running off etc. This behaviour continues at home even after removal of favourite toys.

He's been sent to his bedroom to write letters of apology to both his teacher and me in the hope this makes him think about his behaviour -and give me room to breathe-

Apparently I'm nasty and mean. Am I being too harsh?

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 13/01/2017 17:39

not harsh at all. What is his consequence or is it just writing the letters?

Isadora2007 · 13/01/2017 17:44

No. not being harsh enough more like it. What are his consequences going to be and why does he think running off and calling you names is remotely acceptable? Is this a new thing or an escalation of previous naughty behaviour?

Original poster
Dementedswan · 13/01/2017 17:47

He's lost all screen time. His kindle fire. His lego etc. Consequence is no sweets and writing the letters. He will also miss family film night. He lost a lot tonight Hmm

His behaviour has got worse since starting y2.

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 13/01/2017 17:47

Not harsh at all. His behaviour needs nipping in the bud now because in 2, 4, 6 years time it will be far more than a bit of letter writing needed.

I'd up it a gear on the punishment front to be honest. Writing apology letters should be the basic requirement rather than part of the punishment.

sailorcherries · 13/01/2017 17:48

No, your child needs to learn he cannot behave like that.

Grilledaubergines · 13/01/2017 17:48

Sorry cross-post. That looks a good punishment OP.

cherrycrumblecustard · 13/01/2017 17:49

Erm, no Confused

I think rudeness is the one thing it's worth absolutely dressing them down over. I am lovely easygoing mum over most things but I won't be spoken to like shit.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 13/01/2017 17:53

Fantastic! Speaking to anyone (let alone teachers, parents etc) should be treated just as you have... Children get away with this kind of cheek far too often. Well done, OP!

Grilledaubergines · 13/01/2017 17:53

cherry completely agree.

No-one is perfect, kids mess up, do daft things.

But good manners is not something to ever compromise on. And rudeness to adults/peers is a definite no-no.

sailorcherries · 13/01/2017 17:54

I also wouldn't see an apology as part of the punishment. It's manners.

Teaching staff shouldn't be abused in work. You wouldn't put up with your child behaving that way to a nurse, doctor, train conductor or any other person. It should be the same in school.

Original poster
Dementedswan · 13/01/2017 17:55

He's going to be up at a ridiculous hour tomorrow. Been up to check him and he's written three words 'I am sorry' and says he's tired so going to sleep.

I've just punished myself with a 3am wake up call haven't I? Sad

Bah! Parenting!

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 13/01/2017 17:59

Bugger to that OP. I'd make him sit and write until those letters are done. He wasn't too tired to give you a load of lip, was he!

Hold firm. You'll thank yourself in the end.

Original poster
Dementedswan · 13/01/2017 18:04

He's just been rude again. Clearly not learning anything Angry

Thought I'd be flamed for being hard on a 6 year old but I've obviously been too soft on him.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 13/01/2017 18:06

No way would I be letting him go to slerp

SoFedUpOfPeople · 13/01/2017 18:06

My dh makes the kids write lines if they have been rude. I don't agree with tut but they are less rude I him than me so maybe it works? Maybe try that?

Original poster
Dementedswan · 13/01/2017 18:10

He's finishing his letter ....

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 13/01/2017 18:13

The problem is OP that no matter what you do, it'll always be open to criticism because we all parent differently and according to the nature of our personality and the character of the child. It's not a one size fits all situation.

You've recognised his behaviour had deteriorated. You don't like it. And so now you're going to get tough, stop it in his tracks.

Always a learning curve for everyone.

But definitely get tougher because you don't want to be THAT parent of THAT child.

Grilledaubergines · 13/01/2017 18:14

Excellent! When he's done that, ask him to copy out the dictionary.

NuffSaidSam · 13/01/2017 18:17

I don't think you've been unreasonable.

I think long-term you'll get better results from finding out what is causing the behaviour though, rather than just upping the punishments each time he misbehaves. Is he tired? anxious? hungry? ill? upset? struggling academically? being bullied? Something is causing his behaviour. Find out what it is.

NickyEds · 13/01/2017 18:19

Don't let him do to sleep op! What time is his usual bedtime?

NickyEds · 13/01/2017 18:19

Oh, and YANBU.

Original poster
Dementedswan · 13/01/2017 20:47

Sorry I disappeared. Was dealing with the children and the puppy.

He wrote his letters. Drew both teacher and I a picture. And went to bed to read before his younger sibling.

To answer a few questions. Usual bedtime is 7. Up at 7.30 . He does wake through the night for the toilet. He was ill sun to mon with a bug, but behaviour started before then. Anxious? Maybe as he's been told off and had lots of sanctions lately but we do reward the good. Academically- teacher thinks he's capable. Bullying - he has mentioned being called names in the past. Said his peers tell him to be silly or thet will hurt him which we addressed with his teacher and he's kept a close eye out including watching out in play times and he's said that's not the case.

So I'm at a loss really.

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 13/01/2017 21:03

I've been reading a book called calm parents happy kids by Laura Markham which suggests punishments are actually counterproductive and we should try to connect more with our children to find out what is going on and to help them develop empathy so they learn right and wrong based on their concern for other people rather than fear of punishment. So in these circumstances you would try to find out what is going on and why and get them to think about how they can 'fix' the situation. They would then be more invested in doing the fixing if they came up with it themselves. I'd really recommend the book. There's also a website run by the author called ahaparenting.com

nutbrownhare15 · 13/01/2017 21:09

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/Discipline has a set of good resources

MyWineTime · 13/01/2017 23:26

Punishments won't teach him to be polite.
So you coerce him into writing a letter of apology - what is that going to achieve. He doesn't mean any of it - you can't make him mean it!!
I'd be more concerned about what was causing this behaviour. He's 6, he still has a lot to learn. He needs guidance and understanding.