Zips are wankers

[FishChipsAndBeans]

I'm 45 years old and I can't do up the fuckers. I can use zips if I'm not wearing the item of clothing, but that's not hugely helpful as I tend to want to wear my clothes.

Just had a big stroppy tantrum with my lovely new warm coat that I can't actually zip up.

I'm not being unreasonable. Zips are wankers.

Earphones are wankers. I get the rage whenever they catch on something, and are yanked out of my ears.

Yes agree. Earphones are wankers too.

Wanker list:
Zips
Earphones

Get back to me when you've caught your genitals in one. It's a deeply unhappy moment

Of shoes, ouch

I won't add genitals to my wanker list.

Well strictly speaking you could and it would be a fairly appropriate use of the word! Maybe not after a zip mishap though

I'll add cardigan pockets. Every time I set foot in the kitchen, without fail, one will get itself looped on the drawer handle. I'll walk off, oblivious, until I get rudely yanked back across the kitchen. I'm sure my cardigans are conspiring to kill me.

of shoes - ooof! That's not something I'd considered, though come to think of it DH does insist on buy jeans with buttons! I'm trying not to visualise how this might happen....

Arf at genitals on wanker list

Zips are wankers, as are the tiny stupid buttons on baby clothes which I can't sodding do up. I actually bit 3 off like a wild animal in a tantrum this morning. I have a newborn who doesn't sleep, that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it

Could you add duvet poppers to the list. I never seem to get them lined up properly and they won't close. Argh!
I knew someone with a scar on their willy, they had an unfortunate accident with a zip, like in There's something about Mary.

Wanker list
Zips
Earphones
Cardigan pockets
Stupid tiny buttons
Duvet poppers

We're just surrounded by wankers.

I am older than you 'Fish' and still cant get fecking zips to do what they are supposed to do first time! Hate them with a passion, especially on kids coats, OMG trying to do it from the front, back, standing on my head gradually losing the will to live and thinking that they wont die of cold from the house to the car!

Buttons on duvets... they look lovely but they are such a pain to do up and then open up again... I always end up cursing myself for getting them.

Duvets and pillows can be wankers. My duvet crawls away, inside the cover, so it is all on dh's side of the bed, and I'm just covered with the cover - fine in summer, a tad chilly right now.

My pillows will behave for days on end, and then turn into something filled with rocks that I cannot get comfortable on.

A candle rubbed up and down a zip can make it less of a wanker.

No ideas for the rest of the list though but can I add my socks that keep sliding down into my boots as I'm walking? Total arsehole wankers.

A pencil rubbed over the teeth of a zip helps them run smoother.
Y-fronts that your todger keeps escaping from are wankers too. Walking along, minding your own business and the bastard suddenly decides to go for a wander.

Bras. In general and specifically the stupid hooks. I still can't do one up without having the hooks at the front then turning it round once I've fastened it and it's just a bloody delight if I'm at all sweaty or damp from the shower

Tights. Even as a skinny child I'd be hoiking them up every 3 metres or so. Now as a portly female adult I'm still hoiking them up. Wankers.

It's the initial mechanism of zips specifically that's wanky. The bit at the bottom of the zip in two pieces that you have to get the fiddly thing into. I can just about manage to get the fiddly thing into the top piece, but then it will never connect with the bottom piece to enable me to zip it up.

(Sorry for the lack of proper named zip parts.)

Agree, bras are also wankers. I can't comment on y fronts but I'll add them to the list.

I was looking at a rucksack for sale in a shop the other day and the zip refused to budge then suddenly leapt into action taking a chunk of my finger with it. Absolute fucker of a thing.

I would add the wrapping on fake cheese slices as a wanker. Whatever your opinion of fake cheese, it is wrapped so tightly and closely in thin film, that you can't see any way of unwrapping it. So you pull and tear at it, watching the cheese slice turn to a crumbled mess inside the film.
Then when you have nearly abandoned the whole enterprise it unexpectedly opens with ease, the cheese flops out and welds itself to the kitchen floor. Total. Wanker.

Tights. The bastards.

pangolin I love you

Those rigid plastic cases welded together are also wankers. They make you take a knife to them to get your widget out, and then make your knife slip so that it slices your finger. First class wankery

at wandering todgers.

Velcro is a big wanker - I have velcro on one of my coats and it always catches on my hair, my scarf and my jumper.

Bras are definitely wankers. My only white bra currently has the wire exposed under the boob. My boobs are extremely large and I can't imagine it'll be comfy to wear like this. I don't want to buy a new one as I'm currently trying to lose weight to shrink the buggers (and other reasons)

Stabby underwires are definitely wankers. I can't decide if it's worse to be stabbed in the chest or the armpit but it's definitely embarrassing to have shop assistants call your attention to the fact that you've got 3 inches of underwire poking through your jumper.

When your zip catches on the stupid lining bit inside your coat, that is wankery. Pull it up and rip the stupid lining bit? Pull it down and get stuck forever more? Maybe its the lining bit that's the wanker.