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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think actually my friends 'ex' is right?

80 replies

Motherofhowmany · 13/01/2017 12:51

Keeping this deliberately vague. My friends boyfriend has just dumped her after a year together. It was long distance as she is from another country in Europe and lives there whilst he is in the uk. He's black and has come from a country where there was lots of war and devastation.

He found out recently that my friends father is a big supporter of a far party (a very well known ideology) and member of the militant section. Her parents home is decorated with paraphernalia from this party. I'm not talking about your run on the mill ukip, I'm saying openly preeching about the destruction of other races. My friend does not agree with her fathers views (according to her) however she never challenged them. Her ex struggled with the fact she wouldn't openly condemn her parents and broke up with her. My friend thinks he's being ridiculous and that political ideology shouldn't get in the way of personal relationships.

AIBU to think if I was my friends ex I would do the same? She's acting like he's being a big baby.

OP posts:
wifework · 13/01/2017 12:52

But you're still friends with her.

Pootles2010 · 13/01/2017 12:54

Of course he's right- she sounds spoilt and totally unaware of her privilege.

WalkingDownTheRoad · 13/01/2017 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2017 12:54

He dumped her quite rightly, because she did not have his back, and support him. She sounds wet and inaffective.

Original poster
Motherofhowmany · 13/01/2017 12:55

Oh trust me after finding this out I am questioning my friendship with her, hence the post.

OP posts:
Man10 · 13/01/2017 13:21

I agree with her. It's not her fault she has the parents she has, and nothing good will result from her challenging them. There is nothing she can do about her parents.

I think he's entitled to never want to meet her parents, but breaking up because of them is harsh, if it's the real reason.

Man10 · 13/01/2017 13:23

she sounds spoilt and totally unaware of her privilege.

Why spoilt? And what privilege, given that having racist parents seems to be working against her interests?

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 13/01/2017 13:24

I can understand why he doesn't want to have any connection with then

but she may not feel she can challenge her father many people with such militant views are very angry people

SVJAA · 13/01/2017 13:25

Why spoilt? And what privilege, given that having racist parents seems to be working against her interests?
I suggest you google white privilege. And she's spoiled because she wants to have her cake and eat it. She won't speak up for the man she loves against racists. No wonder he left.

ollieplimsoles · 13/01/2017 13:26

Tbh I'm with Man it's not her fault her parents are racists bell ends.

I agree she could have fought them a bit more, but loads of people have complex relationships with their parents.

Original poster
Motherofhowmany · 13/01/2017 13:26

These are very extreme views though. Not just 'I support trump' but literally open and honest belief about white supremacy. His views are illegal in his country.

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 13/01/2017 13:27

The fella is better off out of it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/01/2017 13:28

He's right. Imagine if they had kids.

Notjustuser1458393875 · 13/01/2017 13:29

'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing'.

Edmund Burke. Something we should all be thinking about at this point in history.

SarcasmMode · 13/01/2017 13:29

He's not unreasonable.

Maybe she subconsciously agrees with them? She's hardly saying 'don't come out with that stuff when Jack comes over its disgusting'

Maybe the relationship is complex but if she expects her partner to be a part of her life she needs to grow some balls or let the poor man go.

I wouldn't be friends with someone like that either!

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2017 13:30

Actually, if I were her boyfriend I'd be wondering if her relationship with me was her rebellion against her parents rather than a personal one with me IYSWIM.

FittonTower · 13/01/2017 13:30

Anyone who can take a black partner (or friend or even complete stranger) into the house of an open racist, surrounded by racist literature and paraphernalia and not once pull them up on it or even try to frickin hide it is an idiot. Probably a bit racist too (I couldn't spend time in a house like that even if it were my dad's home) but definitely an idiot. I'd have dumped her too

Original poster
Motherofhowmany · 13/01/2017 13:30

If it was my dad I'd go no contact. It's way more than just being a bigot but that is how she is playing it.

OP posts:
EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 13/01/2017 13:30

she is no doubt aware she is going to loose out with having parents like she has and struggling with her own identity. why should it matter he was not in a relationship with them but at the same time I can understand why he wants to just keep his distance

unless you have deep feelings for someone I think most people would back away

ollieplimsoles · 13/01/2017 13:30

spoiled because she wants to have her cake and eat it.

I'm sorry but this makes no sense in this situation.
They were only together a year, sounds like a long distance relationship and we have no idea if that is the only reason they broke up. She might have assumed he knew she didn't share her parents views at all. We cant make a judgement on her- only her parents.

Man10 · 13/01/2017 13:34

I am questioning my friendship with her

So, to translate this in a UK context, if you think UKIP are scum, then anyone you know who doesn't go NC with their UKIP parent is scum by association, and you will have nothing to do with them? (Or do you think there are options other than NC, in which every time you meet your parents you tell them what scum you think they are, just so you can maintain a reputation of challenging their beliefs, and not look bad to other politically correct people who might know what your parents believe?)

Parents are not going to start believing something different because their child argues with them. You would have to be a monumentally arrogant child to think they will change their political or religious beliefs because you are "right" and they are "wrong". ("right" in quotes because in the general case it won't always be the child that is "right", nice parents could have Nazi children.)

SarcasmMode · 13/01/2017 13:37

@Man10 the OP said its more than just like UKIP. I'm thinking extreme like slavery shouldn't have been abolished, blackcpeople are disgusting etc. Just being a bit of a bigot is one thing but those views are just vile.

Original poster
Motherofhowmany · 13/01/2017 13:37

But it's not comparable to ukip. I wouldn't go no contact if my parents were ukip supporters.

Look as a comparison it's basically like her dad was an active member of the kkk in the 1950s and contributed to the burning of black churches and lynching people.

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 13/01/2017 13:38

Op said she is not talking about run of the mill ukip.

A better comparison is they are nazis and she takes her Jewish partner there.

KC225 · 13/01/2017 13:41

How do you know she hasn't condemned her family? Did he expect her to cut her family off completely? Have you been their home? Has she told you this?

Surely, actions speak louder than words and the fact she her ex boyfriend was of different race/culture shows she doesn't share their extremist views.

I think to condemn her for her parents (is it both of them?) views is 'harsh'. Would you do the same for ultra religious parents too?

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