To think actually my friends 'ex' is right?

[Motherofhowmany]

Keeping this deliberately vague. My friends boyfriend has just dumped her after a year together. It was long distance as she is from another country in Europe and lives there whilst he is in the uk. He's black and has come from a country where there was lots of war and devastation.

He found out recently that my friends father is a big supporter of a far party (a very well known ideology) and member of the militant section. Her parents home is decorated with paraphernalia from this party. I'm not talking about your run on the mill ukip, I'm saying openly preeching about the destruction of other races. My friend does not agree with her fathers views (according to her) however she never challenged them. Her ex struggled with the fact she wouldn't openly condemn her parents and broke up with her. My friend thinks he's being ridiculous and that political ideology shouldn't get in the way of personal relationships.

AIBU to think if I was my friends ex I would do the same? She's acting like he's being a big baby.

Do ultra religious parents habitually call for the destruction of other races?

She has told me that he gave that reason when he broke up with her and admits she won't say anything to her parents about it and never will or has.

Reverse it - if he was on here he would be told to LTB

what SVJAA said.

Where did she see the relationship heading if she was ashamed to bring him to the family home and meet the parents, but wasn't willing to walk away from them?

He probably came to the conclusion she was stringing him along. I've been there. It's not nice.

I think he's better off away from them, but it's interesting she was going out with him at all. It does mean she does not feel about things like her parents do.

The issue isn't her father's views. It's the fact that she's not prepared to challenge them. She's seeing it as "just politics". He's pointing out - quite rightly - that this goes far deeper than a minor difference of opinion.

I would like to think any decent person would openly condemn white supremacist views. I would be deeply suspicious of the politics of anyone who didn't.

I agree with him ending it. Her tolerating those views by not challenging her parents would not be acceptable to me

the OP said its more than just like UKIP. I'm thinking extreme like slavery shouldn't have been abolished, blackcpeople are disgusting etc.

Yes, I'm thinking these people probably think concentration camps and genocide are good ideas. It's precisely because they are so extreme that talking is so pointless, and comparisons with what people would do about racist beliefs here are so ridiculous.

I grew up in a society where your political identity defined who you thought, in the final resort, should be killed. I was so relieved when I arrived in Britain to find that politics here is merely a struggle over money.

I went NC with my father in order to maintain a mixed race relationship after he expressed some deeply unpleasant views about non-whites. Ultimately, the relationship ended but not because of my father. 20 years later and I see him very occasionally for my mother's sake and even after all this time, I can recall every detail of the things he said to me, let alone the impact it would have to be directly on the receiving end of them.

I would side with the ex here every time. I could not be in a relationship with someone who would not challenge his views, particularly if they are as extreme and militant as you say.

You cant judge her on what her parents believe and have done. Is she still talking to her parents?

She has told me that he gave that reason when he broke up with her and admits she won't say anything to her parents about it and never will or has.

Then he was dead right. It's one thing to be casually dating, but if he was seriously considering a future with her, he would be letting himself in for a lifetime of distress and agro with his in-laws. He is doing the sensible thing about LTB-ing now, especially as she clearly has no particular problem with her parents' attitude.

I can see his point too.

If she was never going to challenge their views how was she ever going to be able to introduce him to her parents? Presumably they didn't know about him?
It doesn't sound like a relationship with a future.

TBH if her dad believe in the "destruction of all other races" and is an active member of a paramilitary organisation the boyfriend might have feared for his safety.

You can't separate that kind of political ideology from personal relationships.

It wouldn't make me end a friendship with her, assuming I did genuinely believe she didn't share her parent's views. However abhorrent their opinions are they're still her parents and there may be any number of reasons why she doesnt want or feel able to stand up to them or cut contact. It must be horrible for her.

I probably would have ended a romantic relationship with her though. There's a big difference between a friendship and an actual romantic relationship where the parents would effectively become part of your family and you theirs. I'd have done the same as her ex. Sad situation all round though.

He did the right thing dumping her. It sounds like a lot to be involved in. If it was me I would worry about my safety. If she is not willing to challenge or cut them off then morally he should leave.

My friend thinks he's being ridiculous and that political ideology shouldn't get in the way of personal relationships.

She is massively U for this statement alone, and for it never occurring to her that 'political ideology' controls the personal relationships of groups that are discriminated against. The political is always personal for someone.

Nor can I agree that politics in this country is just wrangling about money.

If she was never going to challenge their views how was she ever going to be able to introduce him to her parents?

People still go on with relationships with out their family around them. I cut of my family last year I had enough of trying.

I can see why he ended the relationship, I would too in this situation.

I can see why she would not risk ending her relationship with her parents, which is where this would end given that people hardly ever change their views , especially those founded on hatred.

I don't think that she is necessarily a coward or spoilt and privileged. In fact, she seems remarkably unscathed given she has been raised by a screaming racist so she must has some grit and common sense.

I do think she sounds incredibly niave and must have known that this situation would be inevitable. I wouldn't be questioning my friendship based on this though.

I can see his point.
Ditching her just because of her parents' political views would be moronic. But if she doesn't agree with them yet not challenges them is another thing. Especially as her boyfriend (now ex) is black.
We can have different backgrounds and still be able to come together. My DH is German and to say that our Grandparents were on a completely different sides of barricades during the WWII would be an understatement.
But we are on the same page when it comes to those things so we are good. I wouldn't be able to be with someone who either condoned or was ignorant of those things.

I don't blame him. Living close to that environment and people with such views is compromising his safety. Setting aside the safety aspect, where can a relationship like that possibly go? All I can see is a lifetime of hassle, isolation and threat.

She cannot be upset that he left her, this is very serious, and would change the way I saw the person, by not standing up for it, she is basically allowing this, and agreeing with it. I wonder what then are her ultriour motives, is she seeing him as a challenge.

She is sorely mistaken, political ideology leads to unpleasant and nasty behaviour in the form of racism or whatever discrimination, disabled, or sex discrimination. Her behaviour would put me right off.

I presume you are talking of them being actively involved in the very far right British first types who still believe in very violent, disgusting ways of treating Jews/black people?

If so I can understand the boyfriend wanting nothing to do at all with the family! They are violent unhinged bastards that would happily hurt him and probably her for being involved with each other.

I don't think it's even remotely unreasonable for him to not want to be anywhere near that situation and I would find it impossible to have any sort of relationship with her if she was still in contact with her family tbh.
I know that sounds cruel but I don't understand how she could have anything to do with such people if she wasn't at all racist herself, surely she would want to fight against such ignorance and cruelty even if they are her family? Or at the very least to get far away from them!

I think shunning her only because of who her parents are is morally equivalent to racist behaviour. It's finding her despicable because of an inheritance she can do nothing about.

She may not be racist, but anyone shunning her because of her parents views are probably no better than racist.

("Probably" no better because I'm allowing for their wrong belief that some good would come from her challenging her parents.)