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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think actually my friends 'ex' is right?

80 replies

Motherofhowmany · 13/01/2017 12:51

Keeping this deliberately vague. My friends boyfriend has just dumped her after a year together. It was long distance as she is from another country in Europe and lives there whilst he is in the uk. He's black and has come from a country where there was lots of war and devastation.

He found out recently that my friends father is a big supporter of a far party (a very well known ideology) and member of the militant section. Her parents home is decorated with paraphernalia from this party. I'm not talking about your run on the mill ukip, I'm saying openly preeching about the destruction of other races. My friend does not agree with her fathers views (according to her) however she never challenged them. Her ex struggled with the fact she wouldn't openly condemn her parents and broke up with her. My friend thinks he's being ridiculous and that political ideology shouldn't get in the way of personal relationships.

AIBU to think if I was my friends ex I would do the same? She's acting like he's being a big baby.

OP posts:

Man10 · 13/01/2017 14:34

If her family are in Eastern Europe and they are in the UK, there is no reason the boyfriend ever has to meet them.

If he thinks meeting is unavoidable, then I can understand him wanting out.

Otherpeoplesteens · 13/01/2017 14:38

Man10, it's not an inheritance she could do nothing about. The boyfriend quit because she refused to condemn her parents openly preaching the destruction of other races. IT's actually a passive endorsement of their views at the very best.

I guess he really couldn't see a future in the relationship, and I don't blame him.

LoupGarou · 13/01/2017 14:46

Hmm, probably ought to nc for this. Pre DH I used to live in Europe and was good friends with an Austrian lady, she was more like a sister to me. I used to go with her and stay with her family in rural Austria quite frequently and got on like a house on fire with her elderly great grandfather - he was brilliant, witty, hilarious and charming, a genuinely lovely chap. A couple of years down the line I found out he used to be an SS officer, and was directly involved with some of the worst stuff which went on under the Nazi regime.

I spoke to her great grandfather and her, and decided I couldn't see her or her family anymore, I felt betrayed as it was kept from me and yet my friend and her family knew how I would feel about it. I was shocked, I am far from naieve and am usually an excellent judge of character, but this man was one of the nicest, most charming me. I have ever met. It was very unnerving and troubles me still. Christ that makes me sound pearl clutchy.

I don't think your friends ex is being unreasonable, as much as you can get on with someone, those kinds of beliefs in close family I think are deal breakers.

DJBaggySmalls · 13/01/2017 14:47

I doubt she has any genuine feelings for him. She's happy to continue her relationship with them. Taking him to their home is just flaunting him.
Sounds like some silly teen rebellion.

You cant fix everyone. But you can let them know their behaviour is not acceptable.

LoupGarou · 13/01/2017 14:47

Also, if the fathers beliefs are illegal in his country, then her mother and the girlfriend are sheltering him, I assume, and that to me makes the situation more serious too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2017 14:49

Are we talking nazi held views and paraphernalia?. I think this sounds as if he may have extreme views. I fully understand the guys reasoning for ending it. Your friend may not feel able to confront her father though.

DanGleballs · 13/01/2017 14:59

It sounds like Nazi supporters in Germany. If so the ex is 100% right.

ChampagneCommunist · 13/01/2017 15:01

She's German, isn't she?

HorridHenryrule · 13/01/2017 15:01

Your friend may not feel able to confront her father though.

I would disown them if my father had extreme views like that I would run a mile. Personally I wouldn't confront them can you imagine the abuse that she would get. Who knows how her father feels about women as well. If I was you I would show her this thread she may get strength from reading other people views.

dollydaydream114 · 13/01/2017 15:01

I think a lot of people here are missing the point.

Of course nobody can help having parents with abhorrent views - but they can choose to challenge those views and they can choose to cut off contact.

This isn't just a matter of 'political differences' - this is a matter of someone thinking it's OK for her father to actively call for the extermination of people who happen to look like her partner. The 'militant' wings of neo-Nazi parties are generally either borderline or actual terrorist groups who carry out organised hate crimes against other races. I wouldn't go near someone who refused to condemn that - and I'm white.

If my dad voted Tory or UKIP or whatever, I'm sure we'd argue, but I wouldn't cut him off for it. However, if my dad was a member of a neo-Nazi group and a white supremacist I would literally never speak to him again - regardless of who my partner was.

Your friend's ex is absolutely right to run a mile from this situation. Apart from anything, if your friend's father finds out his daughter's boyfriend is black, the boyfriend could be in genuine danger. Militant neo-Nazis often have contacts in other European countries and are not shy about tracking people down and beating the shit out of them.

The fact that your friend is acting as if the boyfriend is being a big baby suggests she is completely in denial and remarkably insensitive.

Aki23 · 13/01/2017 15:03

What Dolly said - especially the last paragraph. Sounds like he had a lucky escape

HorridHenryrule · 13/01/2017 15:03

You cant fix everyone. But you can let them know their behaviour is not acceptable.

Totally agree she could tell them how she feels and then cut them off. There doesn't need to be a big confrontation she will never change them.

HorridHenryrule · 13/01/2017 15:07

The fact that your friend is acting as if the boyfriend is being a big baby suggests she is completely in denial and remarkably insensitive.

This is right. I would show your friend this thread.

AmeliaJack · 13/01/2017 15:09

HorridHenry of course you are right some people are estranged from their families and would never introduce their partners, but this woman isn't cut off from her family. She's living with them.

How would that relationship ever be able to progress?

mummyof2pr · 13/01/2017 15:11

They aren't her views and it isn't like her disagreeing with her parents is going to make them change theirs. Life just isn't that simple. If you and her ex feel the need to cut her off for someone else's views, that's your choice. Just because you wouldnt have a problem cutting of your parents doesn't mean she would feel the same.

MrsBlennerhassett · 13/01/2017 15:11

seriously i would defend my husband against my parents any time. I dont care if they are your parents if they are racist towards your partner or anyone for that matter you call them out on it!! Your friend does sound like she has no backbone.
No one should stay with someone who allows their family to insult them.

HorridHenryrule · 13/01/2017 15:14

AmeliaJack I missed that she still living with them and he stuck around for a year. I would question her morals and her beliefs tbh. Calling someone a baby when you yourself live in a Nazi household is unforgivable.

HorridHenryrule · 13/01/2017 15:17

MrsBlen cutting someone off hurts more than words. Later on their going to need me. From me to them continue with your spite and hate you wont be strong forever. I cant wait for that day when I say NO look after yourselves and shack with your sister or brother.

YorkiesGlasses · 13/01/2017 15:28

How did he find out about her parents?

derxa · 13/01/2017 15:32

It's a non issue since he's an ex. I struggle to believe that these people have nazi paraphernalia lying around.

Atenco · 13/01/2017 15:35

Actually, if I were her boyfriend I'd be wondering if her relationship with me was her rebellion against her parents rather than a personal one with me IYSWIM

This

She may well use something he has done or said to decide that her parents were right all along.

I remember in secondary school in Belfast in the 60s a girl telling me that her parents always told her never to go out with a Catholic, but she had behind their backs. He turned out to be unpleasant so now she knew that she should have listened to her parents (sigh!)

Valentine2 · 13/01/2017 15:36

I can see both sides I think. A daughter taking a black boyfriend to see her white supremacist father is in itself a very big act of rebellion. I don't know what else to do. You don't expect her to hit her father or cut contact totally although those could be valid options for some people. But not everyone is that kind of strong.
Her boyfriend is also not wrong. Everyone wants a peaceful life and he was probably looking to have a long term relationship may be? I would be wary of going out with a partner whose father had this world view, let alone go on and plan a family together.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2017 15:41

derxa - why do you struggle to believe they have paraphenalia lying around?

Original poster

Motherofhowmany · 13/01/2017 15:45

She hadn't told her parents that her boyfriend was black, and he had never met them.

Yes she is German.

She is quite casual about it, the way she discussed it with me was very matter of fact. But she would never have taken him home to them. She was just very relaxed about the whole thing.

OP posts:

derxa · 13/01/2017 15:48

derxa - why do you struggle to believe they have paraphenalia lying around?
I'm afraid I just do. Is that alright?

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