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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with sil now

61 replies

BlueParrott · 13/01/2017 00:17

Hi. I posted last week sorry I don't know how to re hash that thread. I'll try to keep it short.

I have an 18 month old son and have recently become engaged. Last week my son called my fiancé dada infront of his sister. She didn't like it and said as much. The reason she dislikes me is because I'm stealing her brother and I had a short relationship whilst pregnant with a man she liked.

Anyway after last weeks drama she invited me out to clear the air. We went for a few drinks this evening and FFs it was painful. She started asking why I'm marrying her brother, have I taught my son to call him dad and do I want to be a sahm? I fielded these questions well then she moved onto the relationship I had whilst pregnant. According to her it was wrong for me to sleep with some one whilst pregnant and that her brother (my fiancé) secretly thinks I'm a slag. At this point I lost it and asked her why would her brother marry a slag?!? She couldn't answer so I walked out of the pub. I haven't told my fiancé yet as he's asleep but I swear I'm done with this shit.

OP posts:

Teatowelfairy · 13/01/2017 00:59

I remember your other thread. Honestly as long as you, dp & your ds are happy that's all that matters, it's really none of sil's business. She just sounds jealous & fucked off cus you slept with the guy she liked & now you're with her db she's trying to piss all over your happiness. Ignore her & don't give her any explanations.
I would tell your dp about tonight though asap cus sil sounds like the type of person to bullshit & make herself out to have been the victim of your bitchiness when she was only looking out for her db.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2017 02:49

You really do have to think carefully about marrying into a family where someone actively dislikes you. She really doesn't want you to marry her brother and that can cause long-term and deep problems.

If she's clever and he loves her, you may live to regret marrying him.

GruochMacAlpin · 13/01/2017 02:54

You need to calmly, and without commentary repeat exactly what she said to your DF.

He need to deal with her. Your previous relationships are not her business.
Whether you work or not is. It get business.
Your son's relationship with your DF is not her business.

ghostwatch · 13/01/2017 03:08

Wow she is overstepping the mark massively! Clearly she wasn't trying to clear the air at all. She sounds toxic YANBU

DeathStare · 13/01/2017 05:57

OP I'm sorry if this sounds unsupportive but did she actually use the word slag or is that what you are inferring she meant? I only ask because in your last post you said she was offensive to your son and all the replies said that while she may have been rude (some replies thought she was, some didn't) nobody really felt she was abusive to your son. So it does seem that you are quite sensitive with what she says.

If she did actually say you were a slag then that is out of order. However if she was trying to clear the air I can understand why she might have been asking you some questions that would help her better understand your situation, which you may have been sensitive to. The same happened with several of the replies on the other post, where posters said that if they were your DP's family they would also be cautious and would have lots of questions about such issues.

I said on the other post - and still feel now - that in my opinion these issues are none of SIL's business; her brother is an adult and can make his own choices. However I do understand not everyone would feel like this and the strength of feeling on the previous post reflected that. Perhaps she just had the kind of questions other posters had and wanted to address those issues so she could no longer worry about them?

You also received plenty of advice on the other post - from those of us who felt she'd been rude - to not engage with any such questions if you didn't want to. So I have to ask, why did you carry on the conversation when you felt it had become intrusive? Why not just say "please can we talk about something else" and move on? Perhaps she saw your willingness to answer the initial questions as an indication that you were OK to discuss this in a way that would allow her to address her concerns directly (as many posters on the previous post said they would want to do in her position)

Finally, I'd just ask how old I she? If I remember rightly you were quite young and if she she is a similar age (or if she is younger she may only be a teenager) perhaps this might be another reason she asked her questions quite insensitively.

I hope you manage to sort it out OP

DeathStare · 13/01/2017 05:58

Sorry. Typo. Should be offensive to your son, not abusive to your son.

NotYoda · 13/01/2017 06:37

I don't know what to advise, except to say that this thread is perfect Daily Mail fodder. If you don't want it to appear there, I'd contact MNHQ

NotYoda · 13/01/2017 06:38

....and have it moved, at least

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2017 07:42

I think you needed to shut her down before it got this far. I read your other thread. TBH if I were she, I'd have concerns. You've had at least 3 relationships within a relatively short period of time, the first resulting in a child and the third is resulting in an engagement to her brother. She wants to know you're in it for the long haul. I'm not surprised you're sensitive to what she's saying because in some ways she's telling you how some other people will be viewing you. I do think you need to ensure you're ready to settle down because right now your life would make a great story line in Eastenders - you even have the absent baby father. And the characters in soaps almost never stay together long. That said, it is none of her business. It's normal she wants to protect her brother. She's young and probably a bit impetuous. You're young too.

Underthemoonlight · 13/01/2017 07:49

I have to agree with pp you've had three relationships in quick concession including a baby and engagement. I would be concerned if it was my db but I wouldn't be speaking to you but my db and just advising him to be careful. It happened to my db he got involved with a woman who had kids and utilmately it ended and so did the relationship with the kids,it put him off ever getting with someone who has children

Original poster

BlueParrott · 13/01/2017 08:41

Death she is 26 I'm 25. She's old enough not to behave this way. Her questions tonight verbatim were 'was your son planned?' 'Do you think my brother can afford to make you a sahm?' 'I would think someone like you is a bit of a slag to be honest'. I did try to change the subject several times but she persisted I was probably too polite.

OP posts:

DeathStare · 13/01/2017 10:15

BlueParrott I'm sorry. I'd remembered wrongly. I thought you were slightly younger than that.

I think the problem is that your SIL's concerns at this stage are quite normal. She is concerned that you've had three relationships in a short space of time, that maybe her brother might end up supporting you and your son, and she is aware how some people might see you and the impact might have.

As was evident from the other thread there are basically two positions on this. My personal opinion is that while I understand her concerns you and your you DP are both adults so she needs to put those concerns to one side. Others clearly stated that in her position they wouldn't be able to put these concerns to one side.

You've really only two ways of dealing with this. Either you have these discussions with her - including hearing her concerns that you might find uncomfortable (but are concerns many other people would share) - and try to put her mind at rest as she gets to know you better and hears your responses. Or you make it clear to her that this topic is off limits and she has to trust her DB's decision on this issue - though she (and others) may see this as another cause for concern and it could impact on your (and his) relationship with her. Neither way is easy but I do think you and your DP need to be clear about how you are going to handle it and accept the downside of whichever option you choose.

I would also add that I think you should try not to take her concerns personally. She isn't saying she doesn't like you, she's just concern about how fast your life moves on now that her DB is a part of it.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 13/01/2017 10:38

This is all very childish.

HardofCleaning · 13/01/2017 10:39

I was about to comment but I think DeathStare has nailed it.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 13/01/2017 10:59

I think she has valid concerns, concerns that if I were in her position I would struggle to put to one side.

However, I wouldn't dream of speaking to you in the way she has and would voice any concerns to the brother, not you.

I think you need to give her a wide berth for the time being. If you and her brother stay together for the long haul, that will hopefully assuage her doubts. But right now, she is naturally very wary and that is something I think only time can fix.

No excuse for her calling you names though.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/01/2017 11:56

She has not gone about things in the right way but she seems understandably worried about her brother. She shouldn't have spoken to you in the way you said she did though.

ohfourfoxache · 13/01/2017 12:15

There is a difference between having concerns and being a cunt. SIL is the latter.

How was your relationship before getting engaged btw? Sorry if you answered that on your previous thread.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 13/01/2017 12:19

I can kind of understand her concerns, given your child is so young and you are already on your second relationship, but it really isn't on for her to be so bloody rude about it!

I would suggest you don't engage with her any further and let your DP deal with it.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/01/2017 12:26

Nobody is denying that ohfour.

SEsofty · 13/01/2017 13:21

She clearly has concerns for her brother which is understandable given your history, three relationship 18 months including baby and engagement.

However, most straightforward approach is not to engage. Explain to your partner that his sister clearly doesn't like you, and that's fine, so you no longer be dealing with her directly. That won't in any way affect his realtionship with her
You can nod politely at family gatherings, but you actually don't ever need to talk to her again

LouiseBrooks · 13/01/2017 13:38

I read your other thread OP and can't remember how your relationship with her was before she found out you'd once slept with the guy she fancied. ( I remember you said you'd known your dp for some time before you started going out with him so presumably she knew you too?) It seems to me she is jealous of that as well as your relationship with your DP. You said their parents are thrilled you're engaged which is a big plus if they are supportive.

As for you having 3 relationships in a short space of time, it's none of her business (and one sounds like a fling, not a relationship). If you didn't have a child no one would know how many you'd had previously unless you told everyone. When my nephew met a single mum with a 2 year old (he was only 23) I was a bit concerned, but her ex had ditched her after the baby was born. They had their own baby and then split up which really worried me, more for her, in all honesty. They got back together, married a couple of years ago and are the happiest, most solid couple ever. There's no reason why your marriage won't work.

Talk to dp about her behaviour and just cut her off if she tries to instigate this kind of conversation.

There were a lot of judgy comments on the other thread and yes you will get people IRL judging too, especially when they don't know the exact circumstances. The only opinion that really counts is that DP.

januarybooze · 13/01/2017 13:41

Well she's just saying aloud what many will be thinking. But ignore them, it's your boyfriend's opinion that matters.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 13/01/2017 18:12

Thanks for the views. I've never had much to do with his sister really but she seemed nice. She obviously isn't happy with the situation but that's her problem. I just think I'm not engaging with her again. I can't be bothered.

OP posts:

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/01/2017 18:50

I think theres an awful lot of misogyny going on. Not sure a whole lot of people would raise an eyebrow if this was a man.

KimmySchmidtsFakeXmasSmile · 13/01/2017 19:06

'I would think someone like you is a bit of a slag to be honest"
Fucking hell.
And now I have Adele in my head singing those lyrics.
If she said that, that's indefensible in my opinion.
Game over as far as I'd be concerned.
"I now know you are a bit of a cunt (to be honest)" is the only reply to that but drags you down to her level.
Your fiancé needs to step up now along the lines of WTF you called my fiancée a slag and tried to shit stir, what's WRONG with you? But be award she will:
Actively deny or say it was misconstrued
Put on waterworks and claim acting in his best interests etc
Or get his mum to take sides, cause a rift, make him choose

OP love you're going to need it X

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