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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with sil now

61 replies

BlueParrott · 13/01/2017 00:17

Hi. I posted last week sorry I don't know how to re hash that thread. I'll try to keep it short.

I have an 18 month old son and have recently become engaged. Last week my son called my fiancé dada infront of his sister. She didn't like it and said as much. The reason she dislikes me is because I'm stealing her brother and I had a short relationship whilst pregnant with a man she liked.

Anyway after last weeks drama she invited me out to clear the air. We went for a few drinks this evening and FFs it was painful. She started asking why I'm marrying her brother, have I taught my son to call him dad and do I want to be a sahm? I fielded these questions well then she moved onto the relationship I had whilst pregnant. According to her it was wrong for me to sleep with some one whilst pregnant and that her brother (my fiancé) secretly thinks I'm a slag. At this point I lost it and asked her why would her brother marry a slag?!? She couldn't answer so I walked out of the pub. I haven't told my fiancé yet as he's asleep but I swear I'm done with this shit.

OP posts:

KimmySchmidtsFakeXmasSmile · 13/01/2017 19:08

be warned

LouiseBrooks · 13/01/2017 19:14

willyou if this was a man nobody would give a shit.

Some people are talking as though it's 3 men in 3 months. But look at it properly.

OP and ex split before baby (now 18 mo) was born. OP doesn't say how long they'd been together but he doesn't seem to want a relationship with his dc. One brief relationship or fling with a n other, may not have been great timing. Then a year ago she started dating DP who she already knew (let's not forget that pertinent fact - he knows all about the past his sister finds so horrifying). Now they just got engaged.

I'm not sure how long after the birth of her child a woman should wait before starting a new relationship? When dc is 3, 7, 10? At university?

blueparrot as long as dp has no issue, no one else should (but it's nice future PIL are pleased too). Best of luck for your future.

Foxysoxy01 · 13/01/2017 19:21

What did Your Fiancé have to say OP?

It's really up to him to sort it all out and tell his DS how utterly horrible she is being.
If he doesn't talk to her or doesn't want to then it may be a big red flag to how things in the future will be and it may be time to re think the engagement.

Original poster

BlueParrott · 13/01/2017 19:46

Hello. Mil is aware of what happened and has gone spare accusing sil of trying to ruin her brothers life and gave her a dressing down. My fiancé hasn't spoke to his sister yet I think she had enough of a telling off from her mum

OP posts:

KimmySchmidtsFakeXmasSmile · 13/01/2017 21:52

Good. Hope you are feeling better lovey
Glad your future mil stuck up for you.
As for not so darling Sis:

LouiseBrooks · 13/01/2017 21:57

Glad to hear MIL is on your side!

MycatsaPirate · 13/01/2017 22:08

I'm laughing that she thinks you taught your dc to say dada to your fiance.

My DD's called everyone dada. From a random man in the street to the postman to the man who worked in the shop. It's normally their first word and they say it to everyone.

Your sil sounds like a first class bitch.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2017 23:13

willyou if this was a man nobody would give a shit. I think there is a fair amount of judgement. However, I think if a man was shagging someone while his ex was pregnant and the got engaged to someone else and (there is an idea floating around I'm not sure who from) that the man won't work after they marry... I think there would also be judgement.

LouiseBrooks · 13/01/2017 23:42

I think if a man was shagging someone while his ex was pregnant

But that is a tad different to this situation isn't it? To reverse the situation properly, the man would have to himself be pregnant.

haveacupoftea · 13/01/2017 23:52

SIL was inappropriate but tbh the whole thing is like an episode of Eastenders.

Rainbunny · 14/01/2017 00:04

OP it's nobody's business how much or how little sex you are having and who you are having it with. However, if you can't understand why she isn't happy that her DB is involved with you, then you're being naive. You are the last person I'd want to see my DB engaged to be honest. I would not want my DB to get engaged to a women who is pregnant with someone else's child, who has had 3 relationships in under 9 months including my DB. Your life is none of her business but she doesn't have to like or respect you and she's entitled to worry about her DB. Sounds like you're best off staying clear of each other in future.

OneWithTheForce · 14/01/2017 00:12

TBH I think you need to grow a backbone and work on your assertiveness. After what she did at dinner I wouldn't have been talked into going for at drinks with her! Why did you? She isn't your friend, she isn't even pleasant to you, did you feel pressured into having the drink with her for your fiance's sake? You need to get over that because it's a very dangerous dynamic to allow. In your shoes I would take this as a line in the sand moment and decide you're just not going to have anything to do with her anymore. She is a pretty vile person. You don't need to placate her and if your fiancé pressures you to play nice with her then seriously rethink your relationship with him!

BadKnee · 14/01/2017 00:12

I'd judge a man who was shagging someone else while expecting his own child especially if he then went on to another partner. I have seen loads of that on MN. It is not a sexist thing.

As for OP - yes sounds a bit like Eastenders. If you are happy with DP, fine, but try to make it work with his family for all your sakes.

TheNaze73 · 14/01/2017 01:11

I totally get where she's coming from however, she's not gone about it, as well as she could have

hoddtastic · 14/01/2017 01:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bambamrubblesmum · 14/01/2017 07:34

I'm being completely honest here, but having sex with a new partner whilst pregnant with someone else's child would raise concerns in my mind. I wouldn't say it though.

In SILs shoes I'd be very concerned about you marrying my brother. I suspect the dressing down from MIL is a bit of a show as well and that she's probably got her own concerns.

If you can't see why they are concerned and try to put a wedge between the siblings by not seeing the sister you're going to end up with bigger problems.

Man or woman, that's a red herring argument to this situation. It is what it is.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 14/01/2017 07:41

i have to say, I can't believe all the people who say mumsnet is great for support and for women's rights but are telling the OP they think the sil is right to have that attitude for having had sex with three men in a period of approx 12 months or more, the last man with whom she has since had a year plus long relationship and is now engaged to.

I haven't seen anyone give her the benefit of the doubt as to how she got pregnant - accident (ripped condom or failed birth control anyone?), sperm donor abandoning her, or any other number of possible more serious scenarios such as rape. Not that it should matter.

According to all the vestal virgins on here the instant she became pregnant, she no longer had a right to have a sexual relationship, casual or otherwise. She should have taken herself off to a nunnery so she couldn't be a slag? Oh wait that's what they used to do to unmarried pregnant women...

That's not even counting the attitudes on the other thread that even though they've been in a committed relationship for over a year and he is obviously happy to take on a dsc op is also being told she hasn't waited long enough after having her DS to find a partner. so on top of not being allowed relations during pregnancy single mothers are now expected to wait for a "decent" interval to find a partner??? Wtf?!

OP - YANBU and ignore all these hoity toity ppl who obviously all came to their partners/DHs pure as the driven snow.

Bambamrubblesmum · 14/01/2017 07:58

It's not a matter of not being allowed sex when pregnant. For me it would be putting your unborn child at risk by having sex with a new partner who could possibly have an STI that could cause harm to the foetus. A split condom can accidentally get you pregnant and in the same way can introduce potentially harmful infections to your child. In my mind you have to put the pregnancy first and make that your priority over starting a new relationship that introduces risk.

It's not about being holier than thou, for me it's about being responsible. Surely that's just as important for a feminist society as well as asserting our rights?

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 14/01/2017 08:21

bambam - actually the health risk thing seems a more reasonable explanation, so I do appreciate your point.

But I don't recall anyone else raising that as the reason for their objections (more the "you slept with how many men in so short a period?!?! You slag!). Not trying to be argumentative, but would you still have this objection if the sex partner while op was pregnant was fully screened for stds? even if you are married/in a committed relationship with the father of your child, who is to say he is not cheating on you and could pass you and fetus an std? So therefore should you have no sex while pg even with your dp/dh just in case?

And also that reason does not apply to her DF as I understand they got together after the birth of her DS.

I can't be sure how I would feel irl if I were the sil, but I can say i have never been so interested in the sexual history of any of my siblings partners or even of my friends to the point I would feel I had a right to make judgey comments on it.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 14/01/2017 08:24

Also who is to say op did not have sex with the baby's father and the guy sil liked within a short period before she found out she was pregnant? Does that still make her a slag then?

Original poster

BlueParrott · 14/01/2017 08:42

Rainbunny i havent slept with three men in nine months. I split with my sons dad at 12 weeks pregnant, slept with the other man 3 months later then nothing until i met fiancee 9 months later. I went for a drink with sil to clear the air obvs it didnt work and i dont really have time for drama anyway

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueParrott · 14/01/2017 08:44

Hodtastic im not tacky either

OP posts:

AddToBasket · 14/01/2017 09:02

OP, you need to avoid SIL. She didn't want to clear the air and you should never have agreed to meet her. Why DID you agree? Avoid, avoid or it will generate drama.

In some fairness to her, I would also be a teeny bit concerned about the 'Dada' if by brother had been in such a recent relationship.

ohfourfoxache · 14/01/2017 09:23

Blue you don't have to justify yourself to anyone, especially not here.

If your SIL had concerns? Fine. There can be a certain amount of hesitation when a close family member introduces a serious partner, regardless of circumstances. However, you don't bloody say it! It's not her place to say anything! You're both adults, it has nothing to do with her!

Stupid cow, she has really fucked this up and ruined the chance of a good relationship with you

R2G · 14/01/2017 09:27

Talking from experience (not same situ, just judge mental SIL) I would like to go back and give myself this advice...

draw a very clear line for her of what is acceptable and your boundaries... Say it directly to her rather than via MIL/DF. 'Thanks for meeting to try & clear the air. I just wanted to make a couple of things clear from my point of view - 1. Please don't call me a slag. 2. I know you love your brother very much - but please understand that I don't want any further commentary or thoughts on our relationship. I've heard you out now and don't want to hear it again.

Thanks again for the drink.

If she replies - whether nicely or not nicely. Just ignore her- you've made your boundaries clear and pull up the drawbridge so to speak (don't feed any more drama).

Forgive her quickly and move on.

Don't engage other than polite hellos and chats about the weather. Don't share with her. Understand she was concerned and it came from a good place re love for brother, but unfortunately she's immature and doesn't have your life experience and can't control her emotions or present herself well. Feel superior, forgive. Move on and don't feed her any more drama via MIL or DF- you don't know the tipping point before MIL is off your side and its 'poor misunderstood SIL'.

Minimize her role in your life - she's not important and neither are her opinions. Don't give her another moments thought. Concentrate on your son and DF and having a nice day. Every time you catch yourself thinking about her, what she said. Just STOP. Catch that thought, send it away and concentrate on what you're doing at that time with your family. This will make what she has said irrelevant. Don't waste your energy (you've already mentioned wasting no more time)

Hugs x

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