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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To object to ex-DH's sleeping arrangements

67 replies

RedTitsMcGinty · 09/01/2017 23:11

I'll keep it short. I may be overreacting, I'm not sure.

Ex-DH and I split up last year. Divorce finalised in December. We share parenting 50:50. DD is 6yo.

He lives in a one bedroom flat 20 minutes away. Because it's one bedroom, DD and he share a room when she's there. (There's a single bed and a double bed in the room.)

Ex-DH wants to bring his girlfriend to stay. He thinks it's fine for him and the girlfriend to sleep in the double bed while my daughter sleeps in same room in the single bed. I'm not happy about this. There's a sofa bed in his living room - why can't they use that?

Am I overreacting? It just seems inappropriate and quite unfair to DD. It's not a set up I'd ever do so I can't quite get my head around it.

OP posts:

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/01/2017 23:13

I wouldn't be happy with it. Have you asked your daughter how she feels ?

DJBaggySmalls · 09/01/2017 23:14

Urgh, no. What does your DD think?

MissVictoria · 09/01/2017 23:14

How long have they been together? IF all they would be doing is sleeping, i don't really see it as being much different to current arrangement. If, however there is to be anything sexual at all, be it full blown sex or even just intimate touching/sexual conversation, even when they think DD is sleeping/she is asleep absolutely not.

Original poster

RedTitsMcGinty · 09/01/2017 23:14

Not yet. I suspect she'd be okay with it because it wouldn't occur to her not to be.

OP posts:

Original poster

RedTitsMcGinty · 09/01/2017 23:16

They've been together six months or so. It's apparently going to be a longterm thing. The girlfriend has only just been introduced to DD and they apparently get on well.

OP posts:

PotatoWaffleCob · 09/01/2017 23:18

Fine him sharing with his DD but not when the gf is there. It's seems inappropriate. Personally I just couldn't trust that they'd refrain from DTD like "ooh it's fine, she's asleep....". Doesn't sit right with me.

coconutpie · 09/01/2017 23:19

No way. Completely inappropriate.

Original poster

RedTitsMcGinty · 09/01/2017 23:19

Yes - it doesn't sit right with me either. Ex-DH is asking me why it's inappropriate and I'm finding it hard to put into words.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 09/01/2017 23:21

My daughter was 6 when she met my boyfriend, now fiancé.
She regularly shares a room with us on holiday or a tent when we go camping.
Her choice.
The only thing we change is that my fiancé usually sleeps naked but when we're in together, he wears pyjamas.

At her dad's house, she sometimes climbs in with her dad and stepmother for cuddles in the morning.

If your child is happy and you trust your XH's judgement (my XH and I don't like each other, but we do trust each other's judgement) then I don't think this is an absolute no.

I don't think it's a long term solution though.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/01/2017 23:22

It's a tricky one . Could you say that DD thinks only mums and dads sleep together so this would confuse her ?

Ellisandra · 09/01/2017 23:24

Just seen the comment about sex.
My fiancé and I don't have sex when my daughter is in the same room, sleeping. I'm sure my XH and his girlfriend don't either.

WhereDoesThisRoadGo · 09/01/2017 23:28

If it was you and your new boyfriend suggested this arrangement, would you do anything inappropriate with a child in the room? No. Being the new women doesn't mean she doesn't have your daughter's interest at heart. This is not exclusively a mother's perogative. The sleeping arrangement is not ideal, but it is the circumstance your ex is currently in. I am therefore going to go against the grain here and say I think YABU and you should let her dad do what he feels is appropriate for his daughter.

scottishdiem · 09/01/2017 23:29

On the whole I would be as sanguine as Ellisandra in the short term but I would have to ask - is the OP confident her Ex-DH would not DTD in the room, no matter how quietly. I am very confident most men would say no but we all know that there are men (and women) would.

Scrumptiousbears · 09/01/2017 23:31

I also think maybe you should give him a bit of slack. At best tell him your concerns about DTD whilst she's in the room but I think you need to accept he probably isn't that silly. I do t think you can dictate.

Original poster

RedTitsMcGinty · 09/01/2017 23:31

Thanks for both sides.
I think the difference is that I wouldn't be in that situation from my perspective - it would never occur to me to have that set up as I'd immediately disregard it as not being feasible or appropriate.

I do trust his judgment on most things, although I also think he expects a lot of our daughter. She's a smart kid but I think sometimes he forgets she's only six.

OP posts:

RainbowJack · 09/01/2017 23:32

YABU

If you trust his judgement to share custody 50:50. His parenting decisions during his time with her are not really any of your business.

Temporaryanonymity · 09/01/2017 23:34

I don't think you get a choice to be honest.

As a single mother I can tell you that the one partner I have had sleep in the same house as my children has found it almost impossible to have sex, even when the kids are two floors away.

We've all been camping together. Not much difference, surely?

PleaseNotTrump · 09/01/2017 23:36

This is gross

Ellisandra · 09/01/2017 23:37

Another thing to consider - does your child like sharing a room with her father?
My daughter loves it when she shares with me!
If she does, imagine how she might feel if as soon as new girlfriend stays over, she's left on her own whilst they sleep together in another room. Your daughter actually might prefer that they're all in together!

We usually stay at mine, as there's more space. But occasionally we've stayed at his when oldest is back from uni and no spare room means my daughter comes in with us - into fiancé's room.

TBH, she sleeps like the dead and we could easily have quiet sex. We don't, and that's never been an issue. The conservatory sofa has seen a lot of action

Is it sex that concerns you?
Or her potentially seeing another woman's body? (just like the swimming pool, to me)
TBH the think I found hardest with the opposite situation - family holiday, shared room with stepmother - was the familial intimacy thing. Because not so deep down, I didn't like the idea of her having another female adult in her life. That's a difficult adjustment - but it was emotional on my part, not a safeguarding issue or inappropriateness.

So maybe try to put your finger on why it bothers you

Original poster

RedTitsMcGinty · 09/01/2017 23:41

I think that might be a big part of it: familial intimacy. His girlfriend is young, unused to children. I might be subconsciously worried about my daughter getting attached to someone who may not be a permanent fixture (no matter how much Ex-DH wants it to be).

OP posts:

paxillin · 09/01/2017 23:44

I don't see a problem, either. We used to have dss in our bedroom sometimes in the early days, same sort of age. No sex when he was in the bedroom of course. Not much you can do about it anyway, but I wouldn't worry unless she starts to resent it.

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 23:45

YANBU, I would not be happy.

Does she have her own room at your house?

The thing is this is going to be where she lives 50% of the time, so 50% of the time she doesn't get her own room. And unlike other kids who may share with a same sex sibling or possibly a parent she will share with her opposite sex parent and his girl friend. How long is this arrangement going to go on, until she hits puberty at 9 or 10 or 11?

I'd suggest that she gets her own room when she visits/lives there and he and girlfriend get a sofa bed for the living room. Of course you probably can't dictate this but you could suggest it.

Did you willingly agree to 50/50 custody. If so you must trust him but you presumably do not know this new woman in his life.

Plus, in the long run your dd is probably going to find living at your house 'easier' if she has her own room at your place.

Anyway, good luck, I'd certainly monitor this and hope it is a temporary situation.

Original poster

RedTitsMcGinty · 09/01/2017 23:48

Yes, she has her own room at my place.

I know a bit about the new girlfriend but don't know her personally. I do trust ex-DH and our co-parenting usually works well. He's going to be staying in his flat for another year, most likely. After that he's talked about moving somewhere bigger.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 23:48

Temporaryanonymity "We've all been camping together. Not much difference, surely?" Not different if you go camping 50% of your time. But if you don't then I do think it is odd for a child (older than a baby or toddler) to stay in the same room as a couple 50% of the time.

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 23:49

Well her dad 50% of the time, I don't know how often the girlfriend will be there.

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