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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to ex-DH's sleeping arrangements

67 replies

RedTitsMcGinty · 09/01/2017 23:11

I'll keep it short. I may be overreacting, I'm not sure.

Ex-DH and I split up last year. Divorce finalised in December. We share parenting 50:50. DD is 6yo.

He lives in a one bedroom flat 20 minutes away. Because it's one bedroom, DD and he share a room when she's there. (There's a single bed and a double bed in the room.)

Ex-DH wants to bring his girlfriend to stay. He thinks it's fine for him and the girlfriend to sleep in the double bed while my daughter sleeps in same room in the single bed. I'm not happy about this. There's a sofa bed in his living room - why can't they use that?

Am I overreacting? It just seems inappropriate and quite unfair to DD. It's not a set up I'd ever do so I can't quite get my head around it.

OP posts:
Atthebottomofthegarden · 09/01/2017 23:49

DSS was 9 when DH and I first got together. We always used to all be in the same room when we went on holiday, probably up until he was about 11. It never occurred to me his DM might object... And it never occurred to us to have sex either!

DD age 8 LOVES sleeping in our room in hotels. It's like a big sleepover! She thinks it's quite mean that we don't let her sleep in our room at home, because it's not kind, missing someone out, is it?!

Original poster
RedTitsMcGinty · 09/01/2017 23:50

Thanks everyone. It's been good to hear the fors and againsts.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 23:50

Red "He's going to be staying in his flat for another year, most likely. After that he's talked about moving somewhere bigger." that sounds positive.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 09/01/2017 23:51

So yes YABU IMO.

Ellisandra · 09/01/2017 23:51

Well, he parents 50:50 and he waited 6 months to introduce this girlfriend. So - he doesn't sound like a total arse.

You can't ever guarantee a relationship will last. But you know - your girl already knows that Flowers

I always told my daughter that dating and boyfriends was about getting to know people, deciding if they were right for you. I never presented people (there's only been 2 she's met!) as a new Permanent Feature.

I think it's healthy for kids to know that adult relationships are about discovering if you're compatible, healthy for them to know it's OK to end a relationship.

Children shouldn't be subjected to endless streams of new boy/girlfriends, but I think it's fine to meet a limited number, as long as the expectation is pushed on them if it being permanent.

My daughter wasn't at all put out when I split up with my last boyfriend. We'd had one night in a family suite in a hotel with him and his son as it happens!

There are lots of different opinions on these boards so I know some people disagree with me.

I do understand that it's hard to see anyone else take a close quarters place in your child's life though.

I keep telling myself - I child can't have too many people who care!

Italiangreyhound · 09/01/2017 23:52

Holidays are not normal life. I think kids need a room, especially if they are living partly with a step parent (which this kind of is). Somewhere to go and be away from adults for a bit.

But it sounds OP like he is thinking ahead and you trust him etc so that is all good.

TheNaze73 · 09/01/2017 23:53

I think it's all too much, too soon but, sadly I don't think you have a leg too stand on

Ellisandra · 09/01/2017 23:55

You may find that the start of the girlfriend staying over when your daughter is there actually speeds up that decision to get a bigger place so she has her own room all the time!

Original poster
RedTitsMcGinty · 09/01/2017 23:58

Ellisandra - that's a great post. I agree with a lot of what you said, especially about healthy relationships.

Ahhh, ex-DH has been an utter arse to me but has always parented well. He has a bit of a selfish streak that makes me wary that he's doing what he wants to do without thinking it through, but yes, my own unsettled feelings definitely play a part in all of this.

OP posts:
jay55 · 10/01/2017 00:02

Would he be okay with the reverse, with DD sharing a room with you and a boyfriend half the week?

NewNNfor2017 · 10/01/2017 00:10

OP is it the g/f sleeping over, or the g/f sharing a room that bothers you?

Because if it's the latter, and you'd be happy with your ex and his g/f sleeping in a different room, I think I should share my experience of staying over at my (now) DHs home for the first time when his DCs were with him.

His 5 yr old DS came into DHs room in the middle of the night, DH got up to take him back to bed, and his DS hopped into bed with me! I've never moved so quick - I was out of bed like a rabbit down a hole.

What I'm saying is that you don't really have a way of "protecting" your DD from sharing that intimacy with your ex's g/f. Your DD is young, she will trust the adults her parents bring into her life, as she should be able to, and interact with them accordingly.

NotStoppedAllDay · 10/01/2017 00:16

We can all give our opinions but at the end of it all you can't do a thing about it. It's his call

Mynestisfullofempty · 10/01/2017 00:19

PleaseNotTrump "This is gross"

Why?

Patriciathestripper1 · 10/01/2017 00:26

Noooo all kinds of wrong.
How would he feel if she was in a room with you and a bloke?
Not healthy.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 10/01/2017 00:26

I'd rather that than they put her out on the sofa bed when they went to bed & I wouldn't expect them to sleep on the sofa bed when they have a perfectly good bed. Your DD is used to sleeping in her Dad's room, she will just see it as new GF joking them...no big deal.

I know it's hard to have another woman getting so close to your DD, but love, kids can love & be loved by loads of people, it's not limited & she won't love you any less. A gf that likes/loves your kids and treats them as their own is GOOD thing. Truly.

You'll always be her Mum, no one can change that 💐

TitaniasCloset · 10/01/2017 00:26

I don't like this. I think its too much too soon also and if she is a new girlfriend surely she will want time to be intimate with him? I think there probably will be some sexual stuff going on that your daughter might be aware of. Ick.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 10/01/2017 00:28

FFS - what exactly is gross or not healthy about SLEEPING in a room together.

Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2017 00:30

jay55 "Would he be okay with the reverse, with DD sharing a room with you and a boyfriend half the week?"

No of course it would not, OK, IMHO. Plus generally, I would be more worried about a male partner. And especially as dd is a girl. But I don't think it is just worrying about anything untoward. The op trusts her dh and maybe trusts his judgment. I guess I would just be a bit concerned.

It is also just that children need a space to sleep that is adult free, IMHO, except for occasional things like holidays.

WowAndOhh · 10/01/2017 00:33

It's obviously not ideal but I think it's ok. I understand that it must feel a bit Hmm weird for you but I don't see any real reason that it would be a problem.

NotStoppedAllDay · 10/01/2017 00:48

lol what's 'not healthy'?

Plenty of cultures in plenty of places sleep this way every day of the week! What are you all so scared of???

The dad is an equal parent and if herbinks it's fine then so be it.... op really has no influence over this. His call

user1483300717 · 10/01/2017 01:08

I wouldn't allow it but everyone is different. It may be 50:50 but she's 100% your daughter. Its absolutely your business and if it doesn't sit right it shouldn't happen.

MrsTwix · 10/01/2017 01:09

It's not ideal for the long term, but in the short term it's ok in my opinion. If he was suddenly leaving her to sleep on her own when she usually shares a room with him just because he has a girlfriend then that would be him being less caring to your DD imho. Having another woman stay over is a change, having a change in sleeping arrangements is another change. Sometimes it's best to do one change at once.

I do agree with you it's not great as a permanent arrangement as she gets older.

At some point you should probably meet her and hopefully that will put your mind at rest a bit.

My stepdaughters mum and I try our best to get on and despite the odd time we have disagreed really I'm quite fond of her mum. It's not always easy but it is worth it.

Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2017 01:17

NotStoppedAllDay "What are you all so scared of???"

-A child not having the privacy of her room for sleeping or changing etc. Of course kids change in front of parents but the girlfriend isn't her parent and isn't even her step mum (yet)
-I'd not want my child sleeping in a room with someone I didn't know, I recognise that if I were sharing care of a child 50/50 with someone I may not get to say but that is still something that would concern me and we teach our kids to not be too close with people they do not know
-I'd be worried the couple would have sex, or 'fool around' in the room with my child in the room
-I think it is important for children to have, and know, boundaries from quite an early age. Of course holidays, sleep overs, camping trips etc are different but ideally kids have a room and should only need to share it with same sex siblings, if any one, IMHO

I think long term the dd sharing a room with parent/girl friend is not great. Supposedly the home will be 'her' home too.

But the OP trusts her ex in his parenting, and it seems this will not be the bedroom accommodation for the long term.

MrsTwix really good advice.

MrsTwix · 10/01/2017 01:28

I expect the situation will probably resolve itself soon enough, she is only staying over not moving in, if she has any sense she won't move in until they have a bigger flat.

As for the changing, when we've been on holiday and we've shared a room with my stepdaughter she has always just taken herself off into the bathroom to get dressed, or got dressed when we weren't in the room. It's never been a big deal. I've always tried to respect her privacy.

MrsTwix · 10/01/2017 01:31

Oh and when she was younger I always wore full pyjamas when she was at our house. Now she is older she knows to knock and she's less bothered if I'm in just a towel or something, but I wouldn't wander round naked when she is home.

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