To object to ex-DH's sleeping arrangements

[RedTitsMcGinty]

I'll keep it short. I may be overreacting, I'm not sure.

Ex-DH and I split up last year. Divorce finalised in December. We share parenting 50:50. DD is 6yo.

He lives in a one bedroom flat 20 minutes away. Because it's one bedroom, DD and he share a room when she's there. (There's a single bed and a double bed in the room.)

Ex-DH wants to bring his girlfriend to stay. He thinks it's fine for him and the girlfriend to sleep in the double bed while my daughter sleeps in same room in the single bed. I'm not happy about this. There's a sofa bed in his living room - why can't they use that?

Am I overreacting? It just seems inappropriate and quite unfair to DD. It's not a set up I'd ever do so I can't quite get my head around it.

MrsTwix You sound like a great mum.

"I expect the situation will probably resolve itself soon enough, she is only staying over not moving in"

She is moving in, in that she will be living there 50% of her time. But I agree, hopefully, with you, it will resolve. The lack of space will drive them all mad!

Night OP.

A child not having the privacy of her room for sleeping or changing etc. Of course kids change in front of parents but the girlfriend isn't her parent and isn't even her step mum (yet)

This is a 6 year old. Who is likely still receiving help for incidental personal care from adults in her life when her parents are absent, such as staff at school, Rainbow leaders and Gym class instructors.

It is highly likely that she will ASK the adult her father trusts to help her with 'putting on her tights' or 'brushing her hair'.

Hell, my DHs DS used to call for me to do the obligatory bottom check after he'd done a poo (I declined).

Sharing a home with a young child, even as a guest, inevitably results in mucking in and meeting the child's incidental needs. Refusal and avoidance must be handled sensitively and carefully to prevent feelings of rejection - I failed.

user you wouldn't 'allow' it? It's not something op can control!

I wouldn't allow it but everyone is different. It may be 50:50 but she's 100% your daughter

She's also 100% the Ex's daughter. You can't just not allow it. When the dd is with the ex, he gets to choose how to parent her.

OP, it's fair enough to raise your concerns to your ex, but ultimately he gets to decide on the sleeping arrangements. I think you have to trust and assume that he'll do the right thing, unless you have good reason to believe otherwise.

I think you will find you can just not allow it.

It isn't for OP to "allow" the other parent's sleeping arrangements, user1483300717.

Each to their own but if I didn't agree with something as personal as this or if something didn't sit well to do with my child. I would most definitely be putting my foot down.

But I guess you think it's out of your hands when your DCs are not with you. But sadly that's how you may put your DCs in harms way but hey each to their own.

No need to be so scathing, user. This is not "each to their own", it is out of OP's (and any other parent split from the co-parent) hands. It must be really hard when it is out of your hands, as the resident parent you simply have no say what goes on at contact weekends unless you have evidence the kids are in harms way.

"This is a 6 year old. Who is likely still receiving help for incidental personal care from adults in her life when her parents are absent, such as staff at school, Rainbow leaders and Gym class instructors."

My six year old can change into his swimming costume and (I think) PE kit.

But even so, he may need help. "It is highly likely that she will ASK the adult her father trusts to help her with 'putting on her tights' or 'brushing her hair." That is not the same as sleeping all night in the same room, is it?

The thing about a bedroom is, it can be a kind of 'sanctuary'. A place to go and cool down, quieten down etc. If it is a room shared with two adults it loses some of that.

I think it is all very well to say that the other parent can do what they like as long as they are not harming the child, but there are degrees of 'harm'. Assuming all was well and fine and no one minded now, great. But what if the dd (or any child in similar position) did mind and said so to her mum? Would the mum just 'It's nothing to do with me.' I don't think so.

What if the shared room continued until the child was 9, or 10 or 11, or older?

It may be fine and harmless, but both parents can raise concerns if they are not happy with the way things are. I really do wonder (rightly) how any woman's ex would like the idea of their ex's new partner, long or short-term, sharing a room with their dd. I think they would have something to say about that (and I would agree). But this child has her own room at her home.

The dad has her with him 50% of the time so his home also becomes her home.

I do tend to agree with user1483300717 that if I was not happy I would not leave it at that. But if the OP is happy that is fine. She knows the dad and can get to know he girlfriend.

One other 'concern' I would have is that the dad and girlfriend would be all lovely dovey around the child and this would be hard for her. When people are new to a relationship they tend to be much more open to public displays of affection. Which kids seem to find quite embarrassing!

For this reason, and many others, I would want to meet the (relatively) new girlfriend (and see what she is like around the ex). I would want to know all I could and I would try and be friends with her.

It may even be she is more of proactive in getting things good for the child than the ex, for all kinds of reasons (like maybe wanting her own privacy too!)

OP I do hope all will be well.

YABU. Sorry that you dont like it but short of screwing with the contact what can you do.
Please dont be that ex that uses contact tome as a way of getting what you want.

You trust him as a parent then you need to trust he will act appropriatly around his child. If you do not trust him then why are you letting your child spend time with him?

But what if the dd (or any child in similar position) did mind and said so to her mum? Would the mum just 'It's nothing to do with me.' I don't think so.

Actually, over the 8+ Years I've been coparenting my DD there have been occasions when I've had to say exactly that.

When you agree to coparent your DC, you have to accept that their other parent is equally right in the way that they parent.
And in just the same way as a teacher wouldn't tell a coteacher that they disagree with their approach, or a nursery nurse - you can't tell your coparent either. You have entered into an agreement that you trust them and accept that their way is no less right than your own. If you challenge and question their decisions, the coparenting relationship breaks down, just as it would if they challenged yours.

What you can do is equip and empower your DC with the skills to navigate their relationship with their other parent.

I have to say I'd feel sorry for any girlfriend of my ex who had to sleep in the same room as DD age 5. As DD would ensure no extra marital shenanigans, or peace, would be on the menu. I think a new larger flat would be found in short order.

NewNNfor2017 obviously you have experience of this that I do not have. But I do 'co-parent' in that dh and I (live together) and parent our children together. If he were doing something I did not agree with, I would talk to him and expect him to talk to me. I'd hope for some compromise. But I would imagine if the relationship were acrimonious then this would not happen.

If he were doing something I did not agree with, I would talk to him and expect him to talk to me. I'd hope for some compromise

There are loads of things that parents who live together disagree with the other doing - the way the nappy is changed, the way they bathe the DC, roughhousing etc - if ever little thing was nitpicked, the marriage wouldn't last.

And of course, when parents are separated, they rely on the DC's account of what the other parent does, rather than see it for themselves. I know from before my DD's Dad and I split up that she would say to her Dad that I was mean, or tell me that she didn't want Daddy to bath her cos she didn't like it - but because we were actually THERE, we knew that what DD was saying was not an accurate reflection of the situation.

Of course there are times when it is necessary to raise an issue - but in order to maintain the coparenting relationship, each parent has to pick their battles. A useful guide is "what would a court say?". If they'd order reports and a full hearing to determine the impact on the DC, then it's probably an issue worth discussion, but if it's a straightforward difference in parenting styles, neither of which are unusual or harmful, then it's probably not.

The OP has options open to her if she believes that her DD is AT RISK - but if she is merely projecting her own values onto her DD, then she is not coparenting. Plenty of young DC's sleep in shared rooms and dormitories with unrelated adults - they are not emotionally damaged or harmed. Where they are, that is a result of the conduct of the adults involved and their ability to assure and respond to the individual DCs needs in that situation.

And as for the pearl clutching about the couple being intimate or inappropriately affectionate in the DC's presence - if that is likely, then the OP should be questioning her ex's ability to parent.

New, "There are loads of things that parents who live together disagree with the other doing..." well, I don't want to paint too rosy a picture of things but me and dh don't usually disagree.

"And of course, when parents are separated, they rely on the DC's account of what the other parent does..." I think this is a very significant point and I agree, children don't 'always' report things accurately.

"Plenty of young DC's sleep in shared rooms and dormitories with unrelated adults" not 50% of the time they don't unless you mean some sort of boarding school set up.

"pearl clutching" I am wearing my PJs New, not a pearl in sight!

Night

OP hope some comments have helped, we are all different and see differently, but I do hope things will all go well for you.

I was under the impression the girlfriend was visiting and staying over not moving in. It was the girlfriend I was referring to when I said moving in, the child of course lives there (for 50% of the time)

Hopefully the girlfriend will have enough about her to suggest not moving in until he gets a bigger place. Job done.

Hope so.