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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that swearing at children is wrong

64 replies

mandy20256 · 09/01/2017 13:57

Hi everyone
Just want some opinions please
I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years. We have 2 dc. One is 7 other is 2.
My partner has always had a bit of a temper and swears but I absolutely hate it when it's around the children or directed at them.
Last night was the perfect example. Eldest daughter not listening and my partner called her a fu**ing idiot. Now that's not on is it.
We've had issues regarding this in the past but it's becoming much harder for me to want to around him.
The last time this happened he promised me he would change but a couple of weeks later we're here again.
What would you do?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:

Ehlana · 09/01/2017 13:58

Massive red flag.

HardofCleaning · 09/01/2017 13:58

YANBU. The swearing isn't great but I'd be more concerned about the level of aggression he's showing and the fact he's calling her "an idiot". Everyone get's irritated sometimes and maybe raises their voice but he sounds like he's way over the top and it must be incredibly intimidating for a young child.

kissmethere · 09/01/2017 14:01

He'd be gone, sorry. That's really upsetting for a child to be sworn at and to hear a parent swear at the other.
He doesn't respect you or the children and he's had a chance to change.

WasntThinking · 09/01/2017 14:04

You're right, it's not on. A parent shouldn't shout "idiot" to a child, and swearing first is even more aggressive. As for what you can do, I would recommend counselling because clearly anything you say is making no difference. But you're right, he has to stop. Kids only get one childhood and this sort of thing is damaging.

Daisyfrumps · 09/01/2017 14:06

No, it's not on - it's emotional abuse.

However - I have a female friend who swears aggressively at her children (under 10 yrs) and worse (verbal threats) but nobody does anything... I think people don't see it as so aggressive because it's a mum doing it?

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 09/01/2017 14:07

This isn't a one off, that I would be unimpressed with, but you know...we all do things we regret.

I would tell him to leave.
I would tell him he goes on an anger management course before he sees the children unsupervised.

In my mind, swearing angrily at very small children like that is a very small step away from hitting them, hard. It's a loss of control.

I generally don't swear around children, but equally I don't really have a problem with people that do, as long as it's not AT the children.

RainbowJack · 09/01/2017 14:12

I would leave.

Zero tolerance abusing children.

anothermalteserplease · 09/01/2017 14:33

He sounds like he's being aggressive as well as the swearing. It's not ok.

pipsqueak25 · 09/01/2017 14:46

i wouldn't be with a fucking idiot like this to start with, he sounds a pita and a bit of a bully tbh, dc shouldn't have to put up with that nor should you. back to thread though, swearing in front of kids seems to be acceptable but it isn't good, no wonder you hear 2/3 yo ffing and jeffing, horrible, esp when you hear a 'parent' yelling it in public at their ferals.

Richteadipped2 · 09/01/2017 14:49

Awful. I have sworn in front of my kids but not at them. It is an important distinction.

caz323 · 09/01/2017 14:50

Mandy, that has sent a shiver down my spine. Swearing at your DD & calling her a f*ing idiot is, however you dress it up, abuse. I am concerned that you say he has always had a "bit of a temper". I really fear that this will escalate. Both you and your little ones should be respected. This is not a healthy environment. Please see the big red flag in full colour and take heed sooner rather than later.

LuluLovesFruitcakes · 09/01/2017 15:02

I have on occasion blurted "For fuck sake" at my DS when he's done something totally boneheaded, and I do swear around him too. However calling a child a fucking idiot, and in such an aggressive way, is not on.

I'd be hugely concerned that you say he has a bit of a temper, and also that he promises to change without making any changes to his behaviour.

CancellyMcChequeface · 09/01/2017 16:01

Definite red flag. My mother swore at me on pretty much a daily basis when I was a child - 'fucking idiot' would have been fairly commonplace. I was an incredibly anxious, fearful child and as an adult I can't comfortably be around anyone who shouts or swears aggressively (even if not directed at me) because it brings up those feelings.

I have no problem with the occasional swear word being used around children, but swearing at them is different altogether.

user1471460671 · 09/01/2017 16:05

My ex was emotionally abusive. He spoke to me regularly like that but one day he called 3 year old (at the time) DS "a fucking idiot" and I left the next day for good.

MollyHuaCha · 09/01/2017 16:07

No one should swear in front of children, yet alone to them. It's abusive.

ColdTeaAgain · 09/01/2017 16:09

Just remember child abuse doesn't have to involve anything physical.

There's no way I would tolerate it. Either he'd go or I'd go with the children.

StewieGMum · 09/01/2017 16:13

There's a huge difference between dropping a Can on your toe and shouting fucking hell in same room as kids and calling a child a fucking idiot. One happens but isn't a big deal. The second is a horrible thing to say to a child; even as a one off. If he's done this before, I'd be contemplating ending the relationship because it's a huge red flag. I suspect, since you're posting here, this isn't the only example of abusive behaviour.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2017 16:14

I have on occasion blurted "For fuck sake" Me too. Not AT DD but generally. And apologised immediately.

However, swearing AT children is worse. And worse still is calling your child an idiot. They internalise that stuff and it's really damaging.

girlelephant · 09/01/2017 16:15

Definite red flag and an unacceptable and abusive way to speak to your children.

I would leave

TheMysteriousJackelope · 09/01/2017 16:17

I would not put up with that at all.

Children do what you do, not what you say, so you can expect your DC to call someone a 'fucking idiot' in the near future. After all, if their father does it, then it's perfectly fine, right? I assume your partner is going to be OK with being addressed as a fucking idiot by his children. If he isn't, then he needs to knock it off. He can't dish it out and then complain when he gets it back.

SheldonCRules · 09/01/2017 16:21

Awful behaviour and I'd not stand for it, he'd be shown the door.

I come down quite heavy on sweating even around children as it's very inappropriate.

Ohyesiam · 09/01/2017 16:25

That's abuse.
I have lived a fairly colourful life, but if someone shouted that at me of be really shaken.
He needs to get help with his anger issues, and id put a time limit on it.
You and your kids deserve better.

Ohdearducks · 09/01/2017 16:28

He's being emotionally and verbally abusive to your daughter. He needs to leave.

Purplebluebird · 09/01/2017 16:32

I'm so sorry, but if that was my other half he'd find his arse on the doorstep if he was verbally abusive to me or our child.

cingolimama · 09/01/2017 16:37

TBH, I'd be more concerned with "idiot" than the fucking. Though it's not ideal, it's perfectly possible to swear (around, not at) and still be a terrific parent.

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