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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think that swearing at children is wrong

64 replies

mandy20256 · 09/01/2017 13:57

Hi everyone
Just want some opinions please
I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years. We have 2 dc. One is 7 other is 2.
My partner has always had a bit of a temper and swears but I absolutely hate it when it's around the children or directed at them.
Last night was the perfect example. Eldest daughter not listening and my partner called her a fu**ing idiot. Now that's not on is it.
We've had issues regarding this in the past but it's becoming much harder for me to want to around him.
The last time this happened he promised me he would change but a couple of weeks later we're here again.
What would you do?
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
cheekyfunkymonkey · 09/01/2017 16:38

There's a massive difference between swearing in front of children and swearing at them. Neither is ideal but swearing at them is completely not on, potentially damaging and setting a very bad example.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 09/01/2017 16:38

I've sworn in front of my child, and felt awful for it.

Swearing at a child? Just so wrong.

Deal breaker.

Ohdearducks · 09/01/2017 17:03

It's just really nasty behaviour, to Im it at a child and call her in idiot as absolutely despicable.

Ohdearducks · 09/01/2017 17:03

aim

Dutch1e · 09/01/2017 17:08

Where I live it's illegal to do this. It's called "emotional violence" and would invoke the support of local services, along with training in how to parent well.

YANBU to think this is wrong

YABU if you do nothing about it right now (not next week)

Original poster
mandy20256 · 10/01/2017 07:03

Thank you everyone.
I've told him it's over. He thinks I'm over reacting.
I'm standing by my guns

OP posts:
HardofCleaning · 10/01/2017 07:05

Good for you OP you're doing the right thing for your family.

QuitMoaning · 10/01/2017 07:11

I was told you can have a go at their behaviour but never at the child. For instance, if they run across the road without looking, you can say that behaviour is stupid (because it is) but not that the child is stupid. It gives the desired telling off without demeaning the child or giving them issues.

I was told when my son was very young and I have stuck to it and it has worked for me.

Flowersinyourhair · 10/01/2017 07:11

I think you need to stand by them OP. I hate swearing around kids. I have a 10 year old dd who has never once heard me swear. Totally unnecessary. Swearing AT a child is horrific- hugely damaging to hear one of the two people who are meant to be your biggest allies referring to you that way.

Oblomov16 · 10/01/2017 07:29

I don't really see it as abuse. It's not ideal. But I too have very occasionally said 'for fucks sake' in front of the ds's.
and once I swore at ds1.

I try not to swear generally, especially not I front of the kids. Once a man cut me up very badly on a roundabout, I nearly crashed, and I swore very badly. The ds's were shocked and said "mummy"!! And told daddy at the first opportunity!! Blush

Head Social worker told me that whilst they didn't want children being sworn at, they can't remove children for it: some people swear all the time.

DonaldStott · 10/01/2017 07:30

Good for you OP. The day my husband even DARED to verbally abuse our daughter, he would be out the fucking house!! Luckily I know that wouldn't happen, because he knows that you dont speak to people you are supposed to love and protect, in such a disgusting manner.

Oblomov16 · 10/01/2017 07:33

Idiot is not such an awful word. My ds1 did something so silly, I was shocked at his lack of thought process that had led him to allow himself to do it, hadn't considered the consequences.

Someone can do something really silly, really stupid. Idiotic. I've done one or two things myself in life, that really weren't my best choice!! I think calling someone a 'fucking idiot' is not great, but I don't think it's THAT bad. As a one off.

Depends if there are other red flags.

rollonthesummer · 10/01/2017 07:36

It would be a deal breaker for me but I wouldn't have stayed with him for 10 years or even had children with someone with a temper who swears.

Well done for telling him it's over. Do you both have the means to set up separate houses?

Dutch1e · 10/01/2017 07:56

Well done OP. You've mentioned a back story that shows this isn't a one-off on his part or an overreaction on your part.

Everyone deserves a peaceful home where they can make mistakes without being routinely shouted at. People who haven't grown up in it may not know what you're saving your children from.

Flowers
Oblomov16 · 10/01/2017 07:59

The 30 odd posters who have posted already don't swear and this would be a deal breaker.
But I wonder if that is reflective of RL? What % of the UK population never swear. Ever? And what about the 'occasionals'? Or the often? Every day? Every sentence?

Oblomov16 · 10/01/2017 08:03

"You doughnut"
"You Nikon-poopy"
"You plonker"

I use another 30 odd words to talk to ds's when they've done something silly, idiot. Of varying degrees of nice-to-awful.

Suspect our household is quite different to many posters here.

Dutch1e · 10/01/2017 08:07

Oblov It's not really about the swearing in this case, it's this:
We've had issues regarding this in the past but it's becoming much harder for me to want to around him. The last time this happened he promised me he would change but a couple of weeks later we're here again.

I swear like a truckie (although I'may pretty good at not swearing around small children) so it's not an issue with swearing - it's an ongoing issue with intimidating behaviour against vulnerable family members. OP has raised it as a real problem and the behaviour has continued.

Living in the shadow of a foul-tempered parent is incredibly difficult, and I say this as a person who has worked HARD on strategies to control my own terrible temper. It's not fair or right to inflict it on kids.

corythatwas · 10/01/2017 08:10

Oblomov, I don't think, with the previous posters, that it's about swearing in general: several of them have specifically stated that they think a "for fuck's sake" directed at the world in general is normal. Again, I suspect it's not about calling a child an idiot- at least, it wouldn't be for me. That, again, can be done in a loving context and the child will know it doesn't mean anything. The question is whether the OPs dh swears aggressively at the child. The OP seems to suggest he does.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 10/01/2017 08:16

Again, I suspect it's not about calling a child an idiot- at least, it wouldn't be for me. That, again, can be done in a loving context and the child will know it doesn't mean anything.

Idiot used in a loving context?

Oblomov16 · 10/01/2017 08:17

I get that Cory and Dutch.

I do see that my situation and OP's are different. Hers has history.

But even then, some of the earlier posters were a bit too keen to LTB, I thought.

And yes I have a least twice sworn at ds1. Was it aggressive. Yes, I guess it probably was. Not exactly proud. But not a deal breaker to me, as it is to op and pp.

Depends on the relationship for the other 99% of the time aswell.

Strongmummy · 10/01/2017 08:28

He needs to take ownership for this problem and get it sorted. He also needs to apologise to his children for being so disrespectful and cruel. If I were them I'd have zero respect for him

Strongmummy · 10/01/2017 08:32

It's not about using swear words in front of kids - not great, but that's RL - and it's not about teasing a child with a silly, playful word for being daft , e.g. "Do-nut, silly Billy etc", it's about deliberately and aggressively swearing AT a child and calling them an aggressive hurtful name directly. Not playful, not lovingly chastising, just being an emotionally abusive arse

Richteadipped2 · 10/01/2017 09:07

It is the intention, which matters more than the words themselves.

He would have been just as cruel and damaging if he had shouted "you utter idiot. You are stupid" etc.

The effing is something of a red herring.

Richteadipped2 · 10/01/2017 09:11

I said "for fucks sake" in front of the kids this very morning when the washer leaked all over the floor. Blush

That's not great, admittedly, but it wasnt about them, and i would never insult them. We are very careful if reprimanding, to refer to the behaviour, not the person.
Eg "that was silly" not "you are silly."

myfavouritecolourispurple · 10/01/2017 09:53

I'm surprised that you even have to come on here and ask. Of course swearing at children at wrong. In fact swearing at anyone is wrong. If my DH swore at me I'd be outraged.

Swearing muttering under your breath (eg in the car) is ok. Not in the kids' earshot though.