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AIBU?

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Original poster

to only send 1 DC to private school?

68 replies

SchoolFees15 · 05/01/2017 18:47

My husband and I have recently split and he was covering school fees (much better income than me) he refuses to now pay this (he has paid for this term for DS) as you pay termly. I do have a good income and can afford to see DS through primary (he is in year 4) but he won't be going to a private secondary as that's not possible. However, DD starts school school in September (she is at the private school's nursery, but she gets it free as it isn't expensive so just uses her entitlement) and I could just about afford to send her but in reality that means we won't be doing any family days out/holidays, etc. probably no clubs (apart from free ones at school). WIBU to send her to a state school? We do have some lovely ones in our area. Or would you send her and cut back on all those other things. Or take them both out to make it fair? WWYD?

OP posts:
Motherofhowmany · 05/01/2017 18:48

...absolutely do not do that.

Original poster
SchoolFees15 · 05/01/2017 18:48

Do what?

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 05/01/2017 18:49

Take them both out.

Newtssuitcase · 05/01/2017 18:49

If you were starting from scratch I'd say you must treat them both the same but in your situation I would probably leave your DS where he is rather than move him now.

On the other hand, if you move him now then he won't be going into a new senior school not knowing anyone and so there are benefits to moving him now.

Motherofhowmany · 05/01/2017 18:51

Don't send one and not the other. It sends all kind of wrong messages.

beautifulgirls · 05/01/2017 18:51

Why not look at the schools available first and then make the decision.

PancakesAndMapleSyrup · 05/01/2017 18:53

Can you speak to the school re finances and see if they would be able to support you with a bursary? Also for DD. What are your state options like?

ToastieRoastie · 05/01/2017 18:55

Look at the admissions criteria for your DS next school. It could be based on feeder schools, in which case you need to get him on waiting list for the feeder school and moved before you apply for the senior school. Otherwise I'd leave him at his schoool and move him at the next academic year, so he has some stability over next 9 months following your split.

Your DD would be fine going to state. In an ideal world you'd send both to private but life got in the way. Don't treat it as a big deal then she won't think anything of it. If you go round saying you wish she could have gone to private then she will feel aggrieved.

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 05/01/2017 18:57

I think you need to discuss this with your solicitor. In the olden days judges used to take a pretty dim view of kids being pulled out of a school they were settled in. I imagine they would feel the same way about siblings being treated differently but my experience is 30 years old.

Newtssuitcase · 05/01/2017 18:58

MY BF has three DC. The first two have been in private school since reception. The third has just started a state school because they simply can't afford three lots of school fees. Their intention is that he will go private at senior level. If they'd had triplets then clearly they wouldn't have done that but the reality is that they're all different ages and circumstances have been different for each at the point at which they started school.

I'm not sure that in the OP's situation her daughter will realise. By the time her DS has left his current school to attend the state secondary school her daughter will be year 2/3 which is probably about the point that they start to realise about school fees. It's not like she intending to keep her DS in private school throughout his school career.

AndNowItsSeven · 05/01/2017 19:00

The court can order him to pay school fees, I would go down that route first.

willconcern · 05/01/2017 19:00

Send them both state. You say you have lovely ones in your area. I don't understand why you wouldn't do this anyway. But then I'm a lefty idealist Grin

Fluffy24 · 05/01/2017 19:01

I'd hesitate to split them and you'd have two different school runs as well as the inequality.

I'd maybe leave your DS until the end of the school year but no longer.

It's not all about school, if they were both at state schools and you could afford to do things together that had a lot going for it in itself.

Patriciathestripper1 · 05/01/2017 19:01

Can't you ask him to keep covering it and you pay for DD?
If not take them both out. Would be massively unfair otherwise.

MatildaTheCat · 05/01/2017 19:01

Of my two ds one went to state secondary the other private. It was fine and due to life circumstances at the time. I wouldn't move ds just to make it fair.

One thought though, is his school a traditional prep until 13? If so I would move him to state secondary at 11 so he starts with all the other new pupils at the same time. If you have local grammars perhaps prepare for 11+ if he is able.

No guilt.

WriterNeedsHelp2017 · 05/01/2017 19:01

I agree with waiting to see what a judge has to say about it.

Otherwise, I'd let my son stay there until the age of 11, then move him to a state secondary. I'd put my daughter into a state primary. This might mean you moving house to find the right schools, something your ex husband might not have considered.

Scholes34 · 05/01/2017 19:02

Why should the school give a bursary if the fees can't be paid purely because the child's father is refusing to pay?

ReturnoftheWhack · 05/01/2017 19:08

They must both come out. You cannot offer one child this privilege without the other. It's not right on any level and you know that.

justanotherusername0 · 05/01/2017 19:16

No way that's incredibly unfair! They should both go private or both go state. Can you imagine how awful the one who went to the state school would feel knowing you had chosen not to pay for them but paid for their sibling ? The resentment that could harbour when they're old enough to understand could well be life long

ToastieRoastie · 05/01/2017 19:24

OP has already said she won't be sending her DS to private secondary. Why should her DD feel resentful of not going to private primary - circumstances have changed. They'll both be going to state secondary.

It's unfortunate but things can't be kept exactly the same for DC when parents split if funds won't allow - there are now two households to fund.

OP see a lawyer about whether you can get some form of interim maintenance order that includes payment of school fees.

4amKnitter · 05/01/2017 19:58

Assuming that your ex continuing to pay is not an option I would keep your DS where he is until age 11 then transfer to state secondary and start your DD at a different school. It's only a couple of years and she'll still be very young (year 2?) by the time he leaves. I went to state school and my parents educated my sister privately. It never caused any resentment or ill feeling - circumstances change and siblings are individuals. They don't have to be treated exactly the same.

DesignedForLife · 05/01/2017 20:05

I went to a private primary and my brother didn't. Don't think we ever have bought anything about it. It evened out in the end as I refused to go to the private secondary, and in the end my brother went to a different private secondary.

if you do send to separate schools be aware you'll have issues with different half terms, holidays, two separate drop offs, etc.

Have only recently questioned why, not brace enough to ask!

DesignedForLife · 05/01/2017 20:05

*thought not brought

ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO · 05/01/2017 20:07

t

TheMysteriousJackelope · 05/01/2017 20:10

Assuming your solicitor can't persuade a judge to get more money from your ex-husband:
I'm trying to work out when UK children switch to secondary school. If your DS is in year 4 then he only has about a year and a half left at this school? I would let him finish at this school and then send him on to the state secondary. Everything will be shaken up at that point including friendship groups as people come and go so it will be easier than sending him with a year or so to go when groups are already established and he may find it hard to fit in.

I would send your DD to the state school as you think they are good in your area.

As someone posted earlier though, do check on feeder schools and ensure that your DS will be eligible for a place at the desired secondary.

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