to only send 1 DC to private school?

[SchoolFees15]

My husband and I have recently split and he was covering school fees (much better income than me) he refuses to now pay this (he has paid for this term for DS) as you pay termly. I do have a good income and can afford to see DS through primary (he is in year 4) but he won't be going to a private secondary as that's not possible. However, DD starts school school in September (she is at the private school's nursery, but she gets it free as it isn't expensive so just uses her entitlement) and I could just about afford to send her but in reality that means we won't be doing any family days out/holidays, etc. probably no clubs (apart from free ones at school). WIBU to send her to a state school? We do have some lovely ones in our area. Or would you send her and cut back on all those other things. Or take them both out to make it fair? WWYD?

Get your ex to help out. Make him see sense that its not about you or him or the relationship but the children.

I went to state school and brother private. Never gave it a second thought. I did better than him as well.

I'd leave ds where he is and move youngest to a state school.

Yes, I went private and my brother to state school for similar reasons. No grudge was held and he earns several times what I do.

You take them both out. They need to be treated the same.

I went to a private school for GCSEs and A-levels. Older brother went to a truly awful state comp and younger brother went to an out-of-area grammar from age 11. No resentment between the 3 of us.

OP you need to act immediately in respect of your daughter as (if you are in England) the deadline for applying for a place for your daughter is in the next week or so (think it is about next Friday). Tonight, go onto your LEA's website, register, fill out all of the info and put at least one school down. You should be able to re-submit your school choices before the deadline (and add more) but at least you will be registered with the state system and will have some choice as to where your DD will go to school. You then need to urgently research which schools your daughter will get into and which you would like her to get into and, if you can, line up a visit for one or two of them next week.
Once you have done that, you can think more about whether you can afford to continue with your son at the private school & the ethics of educating one privately.
At the moment, you could put your DS on wait lists & see what comes up. However, you might not want to move him until your DD has started reception as he will then be a sibling. This has advantages as in catchment siblings usually take priority over in catchment non siblings & out of catchment siblings take priority over out of catchment non siblings (although rank behind all in catchment children). Unless your local schools are under subscribed, this may be the best way of getting them into the same primary school.
Of course, this will mean you may not know whether your DS has a place until early in Y5 so will probably have to forfeit a term's fees.

I guess it depends on the area, but where I live (London) we've got a lot of rough estates around and the difference between the private and state schools is marked. I'd send them both state.

My sister went to private school and I didn't, she did get a semi-funded music scholarship but I also think my parents thought I would be better suited to the local primary. I can't say I resent it as our parents did what they thought was right for both of us at the time. We've both gone on to have interesting / professional careers although she is in medicine and I'm in media. I wouldn't move your son at this stage in his schooling and I wouldn't send a child into private education at the cost of no holidays / clubs, so think it's a reasonable option. Is you ex likely to continue withholding the money if he realises it means the children will go to separate schools? Was it an amicable split?

could I just say please do not do that.
I went to private school while my brother stayed at state, and our relationship never recovered.
He spent much of our childhood punching me in the face and mocking my 'posh' accent and long words...
Now when i do see him he talks down to me in a fake upper class accent and tells me all about the lovely private schools his children go to...

Either both go or none, it's unfair and will cause huge resentment if they are treated so differently.

I'm sorry to hear about your split from your husband.
I would check out all school options and decide which school is best for which child and go from there. Private doesn't necessarily mean better - especially if there is travel involved. I have twins, and in consultation with them both, one of them prefers our local school to private as he likes it's sports programme and doesn't want to travel. While the other wants to travel to a private school if she can't get into a grammar school. I'm happy with both schools and think they will equally get an excellent education at the school of their choice.

Pull them both out and save the cash

If he is going to be going to a state secondary school id put him in a state junior now so he can make friednships before starting secondary. Youve already said the schools near you are good then do it.

Just No way that's incredibly unfair! They should both go private or both go state. Can you imagine how awful the one who went to the state school would feel knowing you had chosen not to pay for them but paid for their sibling ? The resentment that could harbour when they're old enough to understand could well be life long Not at all. My brother went off to board at 11, whilst I was at comprehensive in what was then Third Year secondary (Year 9 now). I didn't want to board, and was happy to stay at home.

I turn 51 next week, and don't resent him at all for his education....I think mine was better overall.

Both or neither.

Are your dd's friends in.the private nursery all going to be going to the prep or may some be using the free hours and then going to a local state school. If.you can send her to a decent state school with some friends I think it would be unfair to disrupt your son just to 'be fair'. He has already had years of private ed your dd won't get and it is your dh that has decided not to pay for the same for his dd.

I'd move them both. Your son is only in year 4 and that's plenty of time to make new friends. It will be better for him too as he may go up to secondary with his new primary friends but if you keep him in private, his mates there will go to private secondaries and he will have to start as a newcomer at a state school.

I know loads of families where one child goes to private and others don't. In fact the 2 girls in my daughter's school lift are both in private and their older sisters are in local state schools (excellent schools too). My son't best friend went to private until high school. His older sister went to state. He needed the smaller class sizes etc. She thrived in the local school. She will have done better than him educationally because she is brighter and more academically gifted. She doesn't resent him for the years he spent in a very nice private school in the woods and he doesn't resent her for being brighter and not having adhd.

In most cases I know the child who is sent to private is sent for specific reasons that have nothing to do with favouritism or snobbishness - just needing something the private school can give.

OP, if I were you I might consider moving your son anyway - unless you think this change on top of the divorce will be detrimental to him.

Don't think it matters at primary level with your age gap and perfectly explainable circumstances. I went to private primary, brother didn't due to parents choosing to move to a bigger house and them wanting to save money for secondary. Both were offered private secondary but chose local state school as we wanted local friends. Don't think it occurred to him to be resentful, certainly never mentioned it even as a joke. Has a terrible memory though, probably doesn't even remember we didn't go to the same primary!

Very good point re not moving him during divorce. Unless he's keen to try a new school.

My brother went private prep whilst my other brother and I went to a state school. Different circumstances and definitely no resentment. Both my brothers went to a top state secondary school whilst mine wasn't so great. To be fair I chose not to go to that school.

Most children go to the grammar school (there's 2 close by) from his prep, there is 15 in his year and 8 will go to a grammar school and maybe 2-3 will get scholarships to private the rest will pay to go private or state (this is going by the last 10 year results). My son may go to grammar/ scholarship, but I wouldn't know unless he stayed, but I suppose I want it to be fair, but isn't fair them both being happy? I don't know if removing DS is fair... DD wouldn't know any different (outstanding primary locally) and he is on many sports teams, school clubs, etc. I just don't know. He does cubs, so knows lots of children from local primaries.

With that age gap I'd leave your son where he is till 11 and start your daughter off at a state school. They are both pretty young to develop any sense of "unfairness", unless someone else puts that idea in their head. Arguably you would, in any case, be treating them both " fairly" by doing what you reasonably can to ensure they are both able to spend their entire primary school years at the same school without the disruption of moving.

I was in almost this exact position as a child. My parents were together but they looked at finances and agreed to send my brother to private primary school for the duration then could not afford to do private secondary education and he switched to a state school. I was given one year of private education however this was reception so basically just an expensive play setting and then I was shipped off to state primary for the rest of my time.

The outcome? It just added to an ongoing resentment I have of my brother who happens to think the world revolves around him. He has always been treated like the golden child and whilst my parents could give several good reasons for their decision (including the fact that he is of high intelligence which could also be read as them calling me a bit simple!) really it boils down to him yet again having the best of everything. We are NC now after years of issues.

I realise your situation is not exactly the same and your daughter may not form the same opinions as I did but I felt I should share given I have been in this position.