to only send 1 DC to private school?

[SchoolFees15]

My husband and I have recently split and he was covering school fees (much better income than me) he refuses to now pay this (he has paid for this term for DS) as you pay termly. I do have a good income and can afford to see DS through primary (he is in year 4) but he won't be going to a private secondary as that's not possible. However, DD starts school school in September (she is at the private school's nursery, but she gets it free as it isn't expensive so just uses her entitlement) and I could just about afford to send her but in reality that means we won't be doing any family days out/holidays, etc. probably no clubs (apart from free ones at school). WIBU to send her to a state school? We do have some lovely ones in our area. Or would you send her and cut back on all those other things. Or take them both out to make it fair? WWYD?

Have you applied for state school for your DD? Applications have to be in very soon. I'd move my son to a feeder school for his favoured secondary, IF there are places, so he doesnt go up not knowing anyone (and being "the kid from private school").

I definitely wouldn't move your ds now with so much change already going on in his life - unless you can't afford to keep him there for the next year and two terms.

I agree that with your changed circumstances and large age gap it is perfectly reasonable to let your ds finish his remaining five terms at private school but go state for dd (and state for both for secondary).

Yes there's more to this than money. Assuming your ds is happy and settled jeep him where he is until a natural transition point (end of y6) and settle your dd into a state primarym

Of course you don't take him out. He's settled and happy and is enduring a divorce. What reason would you give him? That his baby sister might possibly someday feel resentful if you don't? Surely he will feel resentful if he's told the truth. Leave him be and send her state and top up with tutoring if needs be. It would be bonkers to move him when they will both go state for secondary anyway.

Can you pay your sons fees for the next three years and then use the money to get tutoring for your daughter if the grammer would be the right place for her.

You cannot treat them both the same because you cannot afford to send your DD to private school through to Year 4. She will be going to state school regardless (make sure you get that application in)
It makes sense to leave your DS where he is until the end of primary.
You are not treating one more favourably than the other, just giving both the best opportunity that you are able to at the time.

I would say both or neither

It still rankles (decades later) that I was the child selected to go state (local comprehensive) while my brothers went private as my parents could not afford 3 sets of fees for private school. The decision (not overtly but implicitly articulated) was based on me being younger and also me being a girl. So be very wary of the message that will be sent to DD if you spend thousands on educating one child and not the other. It also had a knock on effect with school trips - I couldn't go as we were "short of money" but my brothers' were sent on expensive skiing trips as the rest of their class were going (parents felt the need to "keep up" with the other private school families).

Could you not use the money saved on DS private school fees to pay for equal tutoring, trips and activities etc for both chiildren?

Your DS is more likely to be resentful of his sister if when he asks why he has to leave his school right away he is told it's because you can't afford to send her to a private school and "it's only fair".
Both children need consistency at this point and you will achieve this by DS remaining where he is and DD starting at state primary. If DS is able to go to grammar from his private school then there will be no problem there. Presumably DD will have the same opportunity when she reaches that stage.
If you treat your DC equally in accordance with their needs in every other respect they will have a good relationship and your DD will not feel resentful.

Hard decision but I would put them both in the state system. I think otherwise it will send out the wrong message to the one who is not privately educated and you will be setting yourself up for stress in later life if you keep one. I'll probably get flamed but I think it's really important to treat all siblings exactly the same. Good luck .

I went to state and my brother went private. It made sense due to the circumstances at the time. I have no grudge about it.

I think if your ds only has 2 more years, then keep him where he is then send him to a state. Doesn't make sense to upheave him.

If you have lovely state schools in your area, then it's not at all unfair to send your dd to your be once she finishes nursery.

I went to state primary and secondary, whilst my younger sister was educated privately from secondary.

I don't feel any resentment about it. She is however, a massively entitled prick - though I think that's a reflection on her, not private education. 🙃

I think it would be extremely unfair on your son to take him out of his school and away from his friends and routine at a difficult time for him anyway i.e. when his parents are separating.

I agree with PP that you should speak to your solicitor about this and see if there is a possibility for your husband to continue to pay the fees until end of year 6. Then you can decide if you want to pay your daughter's fees or send her the local state school. I don't think you are being unfair on her. It is your husband that is being totally unreasonable as presumably he would have paid for two sets of fees if you had stayed together. At least you have a good state option.

My brother went private for his last two years of primary, then state for secondary - along with several of his friends. If you have good secondary schools around you, you may find that other children in his school will go state for the next stage - perhaps worth talking to other parents in his year?

I was the younger child, parents couldn't afford to send me too. I never resented it because they were always open about the reasons (he was struggling in state, I wasn't) - we both knew we were loved equally and that being given different things didn't change that. I'd say yanbu to keep him where he is and go state with your daughter; she'll understand your position when she's older.

There's a massive difference between the experiences of posters who are talking about their experiences of being treated differently at secondary level and the likely experience of your daughter, who is still tiny and has no idea that some schools cost and some schools don't. There's no reason why she should resent going to state school - pick a good one where she will be happy and let your son finish his time at his existing school, where he is also happy. Two happy children = fair.

Achicken - I agree with you to a point however ultimately whether there's resentment of not can boil down to whether there is subsequent preferential treatment too. In my case not only did my brother get full primary private education, he had his praises sung about how clever he was to take exams early and this that and the other. I am not stupid and currently work in a highly regarded professional role yet I to this day have a complex that I am of average intelligence compared to him and have to work hard to get anyone. Whereas in reality had I had the highly focused input he had I probably would have also achieved earlier like him.

My parents also constantly allowed him to do more than me socially and freedom wise and the goal posts changed for me (eg at 14 he could stay out til 10pm whereas I had to be home by dark at that age). Then when he did all sorts of behavioural crap including virtually being expelled from school, getting into fights in the street and having police involvement and being downright nasty to all around for years he was constantly forgiven and excuses made. On the other hand, I was hauled over the coals for mild behaviours and opinions to the point where I was scared to express myself.

This preferential treatment has continued into adulthood and even when given glaring examples my parents still cannot see it. That combined with my brother being a manipulative, deceitful self entitled moron has led to becoming NC (ironically with him telling me I'm the constant letdown and he's fed up of making allowances for me).

Now quite clearly this is my experience and not necessarily the path which OPs children will follow however in the light of an obvious disadvantaged start for their daughter in comparison to her brother I think it is important the OP considers ongoing attitudes and trying to demonstrate equality. If the children are treated equally there is every chance there will be no resentment and I only give my experience as a cautionary tale.

Sorry excuse typos!

I'd keep your DS where he is for primary and send your DD to state school. As other posters have said, with the age difference and the fact that your local primary is outstanding then she's unlikely to recognise any difference and they will both get a great education.

You're then fixing the disparity at secondary anyway, so don't have any stress or guilt about it. Though I went to state (grammar) secondary and my brother went to a private secondary and it didn't matter at all to us at the time nor in the nearly decade since we both left. We both got the education that worked for us.

There is no answer to this, only the best you think for your kids.

Firstly your ex should be paying. I would revisit this.

If not, don't remove your son if he is happy & you are happy with the school. With the divorce, being older etc you could make him very distressed.

Check out the state option for your daughter and apply immediately. Buy yourself some time.

Remember you can always change things if it doesn't work out so don't heap too much pressure on your shoulders. Nothing is fixed in stone.

You could send your daughter state til 8 although don't mention it on here as you'll get lynched!

You could speak to your sons school about the situation - they may offer you a significant discount. Reception to Yr3 can be tough years to fill for prep schools, they may prefer to keep her at a discount to keep figures up.

Don't mention school fees In front of your kids. I don't think it's good to chat with them about it anyway, 'we were lucky enough to have a choice to pick the best school we thought for you' is about the limit I think.

Loads of people use a mix of state and private for all sorts of reasons so don't worry about that. I use both, not because of cost but because of moving and finding the best fit for my kids. They don't see it as more money being spent on one or the other, they see it as me trying to make them all happy!

Don't kill yourself to send them both private. Its not worth it and will make you all unhappy.

Personally I would start looking at the state options for my youngest and leave the eldest alone. But do check that he loves it there before agnosising over it!! In 3/4 years your life may look very different so you can reassess then.

Best of luck!