The surrendered wife

[pestov]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-37861459

So I've just read this article about being a surrendered wife and I'm horrified. We do not need more people encouraging women to be subservient in their relationships, and as for relinquishing financial control?! Tell me IABU and have missed something that legitimises this madness!

Well, my gob is truly smacked.

She sounds awful both before and after her 'enlightenment'.

I read this too - she did sound like a very controlling women in her relationship though. All those years of counselling and it took a book to make her see herself how her husband must have viewed her.
Now it seems like she has gone totally passive - what's wrong with equality?
Total madness!

Yeah, true 'surrendered wife' stuff a la the duggars and a lot of other hardcore Christian groups in the US is truly horrifying, but this kind of sounds like she just stopped being really bossy?

Yy to pp suggesting unique novel approach of EQUALITY.

It's gross, isn't it.

I saw the headline and thought 'I'm not fucking reading that, my BP can't take it'.

I respect my husband, relinquish control on matters I have no knowledge in and take care of my own fulfilment. I don't see myself as surrendered, but I do see my husband as an equal with strengths I don't have. To be honest, there is a reason why she was divorced so young. She is probably still horrible but in a different way.

I am surprised that she was surprised to find men like being treated respectfully. Here's a revelation - everyone likes being treated respectfully .

Here's another revelation. We don't have to give up control of our own finances to show respect .

That 100 women thing is weird...there are some really amazing women out there and they picked her???

A lot of that article got my hackles up but I really didn't like the aspect where the woman is supposed to hand over financial responsibility to the man.

DamsonGinIsMyThing: Exactly - why would that be a prerequisite for a mutually respectful, equal partnership? It is just a glossed over way of telling women to let their partners have control over them.

This article is so ridiculous. She seems to assume that men have some sort of intrinsic knowledge of finances. Should my qualified accountant cousin make her husband do their tax return?

I'm not sure why she thinks treating her husband with respect is such a revelation. I treat mine with respect. He treats me with respect. That's how relationships are supposed to work.

To be fair the 6 principles aren't wrong. Apart from automatically relinquishing control of finances to the husband. That should be run how works for your household. Rather that on what's in your pants.

No one should have control of their partner, We should all respect our partners thinking
And be in charge of our own self care ect.

That goes for both men and women.

Imo that article is essentially 'I was quite controlling and now I have chilled out' .

I haven't read the book so can't comment on it. Relationships should be about love and respect. Not either party surrendering.

I don't thing the magazine is trying to promote submissive women. The 100 women series has been really interesting even if some of the women do seem a little bat shit. I like the fact is is provocational because it makes you really think. I read about the Chinese women who had created an app to help gay men and women find sham marriages to keep their families happy. I found it both tragic and clever, it stayed with me for days. Reading this article, I don't think there is much in the way of submission really. She's handed over the family finances to him and decided to treat him with respect instead of being controlling. I agree with the pp - she sounds awful both before and after. The whole 'accept his gifts graciously' thing...well that is just manners. When dh has bought me something not to my taste we've laughed about it. I've still thanked him, and he graciously hands over the receipt so I can exchange it without taking offence. Really, this woman holds no secret formula (despite clearly wanting to market her 'methods') she just let's herself down by not bothering to acknowledge these things should be mutual. She comes across like she has figured the silly menfolk out and this is how you manipulate them. Nothing submissive about that at all. Ridiculous women and method!

Woman not women

Scooby20: There is nothing wrong with the principles, no, until you start applying them assymetrically to women - just as you say.

Whatsername17: You don't think a 'rule' that says men should have financial control in a marriage is promoting submission?

You never get the surrendered man as a way of life recommended by Americans. It's always americans we hear this kind of stuff about. However people can live however works well for them.
I would say to all women however always know what in on both of your P60s and tax returns and always know what savings you have and your other half and all that stuff. It does not take long to check and it makes a massive difference in the 50% of MN relationships and marriages which WILL fail. Most posters will be sure their marriage will never break up but half of them will and then many women wish they'd never given up work and knew more about what their other half earns and has in savings and where it is.

She was controlling. She is still controlling. She doesn't respect her husband. She is putting on an act to make him think she respects him so she can manipulate him into having sex. Imavine thos article written by a man! He would be accused of being coercive.

80schild,from my point of view that's fine - as long as he respects you as an individual with strengths he doesn't have,and as long as both of you are seeing the strengths of the individual they are actually with. I say that as most of the people I know who would say what you said in your post come from a religious viewpoint and see men and women as having specific and different strengths based on gender...
Woman in article sounds unpleasantly controlling,and if you reversed the situation it'd be equally unacceptable.
But the idea that the man should be responsible for the finances - what's that about? I think if there is a serious asymmetry in knowledge in a marriage in an area like that you should be aiming to balance it up a bit - at a pinch both partners should be able to do the money stuff.

*imagine this

donald That's an excellent point.

It's her 'rule' though, that she has imposed. I read it more like 'give him a big important job and that will keep him happy and then go off and do what makes you happy'. Her husband mightbnot wants that sile responsibility. But shes there saying 'darling you are the man, you sort these things out'. I think it ties in with the whole idea that she now 'allows' him to make decisions about the children. I don't think she comes across as truly submissive (thankfully - no one should submit to anyone) I think she is promoting this idea that you let your man think you are submissive to keep him quiet and happy. Ludicrous, obviously and utterly stupid, crap 'advice'. I don't think it undermines me as a woman though.

Women - Improve your marriage by becoming a domestic slave - yes. I can see how that would work. For your husband.

There goes centuries of women's striving for equality. I hope she's proud.

Giving financial control to the man? What's that on about? That will only happen here when hell freezes over.

Well, she is American. Enough said.