The surrendered wife

[pestov]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-37861459

So I've just read this article about being a surrendered wife and I'm horrified. We do not need more people encouraging women to be subservient in their relationships, and as for relinquishing financial control?! Tell me IABU and have missed something that legitimises this madness!

She doesn't sound particularly 'surrendered' to me. More that she has stopped being really bossy.

One thing that did strike a chord with me as it's close to home was, 'I had trained my husband to ask my permission for everything. And then complained about it for a year in counselling that he couldn't make simple decisions!'

Whatsername17: It's not her rule, it's part of the philosophy. And of course it is submissive to apply such a rule to any relationship you embark upon.

She was controlling. She is still controlling. She doesn't respect her husband. She is putting on an act to make him think she respects him so she can manipulate him into having sex. Imavine thos article written by a man! He would be accused of being coercive. - That was my view when I read it too. The only thing that gripes is the financial control, which I think should be a joint thing ie they both have their own spends etc

I had a read, she did sound controlling. It's getting a balance and why shouldn't she do the finances.

Yeah I'm not really seeing how she's 'surrendered' herself at all. More that she's stopped being an arsehole to her husband. And relieved herself of the mind-numbingly boring chore of sorting family finances too, clever.

"I'm still a feminist" - did she think that 'feminist' meant dominatrix, or something?

The true 'surrendered' thing is sickening. This ain't it.

She is promoting the philosophy. She chose to bring it into her house. It was her decision. I don't agree with her, but I do think she is controlling and not at all submissive. Her 'submission' is an illusion.

Shocked and disgusted that the BBC are peddling this bullshit. She might have been an awful cow to her husband but the Beeb are effectively promoting female subservience as a solution to marital problems.

I read the article earlier. What I took from it was:

Woman acts like a dick. Realises she has a better chance of getting what she wants if she becomes less of a dick

I'd hardly call her a surrendered wife.

Whatsername That series sounds interesting, puts this into more perspective. As in it's not bullshit being peddled but a look at what women say they espouse... giving us all ample time to ponder, it, dissect it and have a good ranty discussion about bits of it

Sorry Rochelle but your shock and disgust just sounds like on of those "Disgusted from Tunbridge" comments. There is nothing being peddled. Just a wide variety of lifestyles being reported on, elxored. There is absolutely nothing wrong with such reportage. Unless, of course, you want to take away a woman's right to explain exactly who she is (or wants to say she is) !!!

The six principles of being a 'Surrendered Wife'

1. Relinquishes inappropriate control of her husband
2. Respects her husband's thinking
3. Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him
4. Expresses what she wants without trying to control him
5. Relies on him to handle household finances
6 .Focuses on her own self-care and fulfilment

I remember another thread where these were discussed and many agreed that only 5 causes any issue. The others are just common sense, good manners and the compromise you reach in a good relationship, phrased in a slightly quaint, 1950s manner.

I'm glad I'm not her.

I think women are generally far too submissive and subservient in relationships and marriage. I don't think they need encouragement to be more so.

Do you? Women are generally too subservient?? It has never crossed my mind to be subservient to DH. I have always just been his partner, his equal! I have never been all that submissive in work either!

Mind you, as my own DM has morphed into an utterly Surrendered Wife, maybe I have always reacted against that!

With regards to her allowing her husband to manage the household finances, she describes her job as being "chief finance officer for a private school". So she clearly must have a good grasp on finance, so why does she feel her husband should automatically be in charge of household money issues? She really under-values her skills here from what I can see.

I also find it really annoying that the BBC are using her as one of their 100 'influential and inspirational women'. Is this what I am supposed to be inspired by then?

Nearly all the relationships I know the women are controlled by their partners and are just trying to keep the peace most of the time. Some women I know gave up thinking for themselves a long time ago. Witnessing this completely puts me off ever wanting a relationship again.

Why the actual fuck did she equate any of her disrespectful behaviour with being a feminist?
What feminist tries to control her partner, or corrects him in front of the children?

Maybe nothing! But as she is talking about a scarily large 'movement' other women aboviously are! I suspect there are a few others of the 100 that won't inspire some of us, but will resonate with many others.

For those of us who don't get it, knowing the ins and outs of it is good, as we get to be able to set up our arguments, should we ever need them. It isn't good enough to shout "Oooh" That is bad!" or similar. That is childish, silly and only irritates.

Having said that, I would advise aganst trying to dissuade someone set on Surrendering... DM was very very angry when DSIS and I broached the subject! Neither of us has ever seen her that angry before. We, apparently, need to respect her decisions. She married DF, he is the captain of their ship. We needed, basically, to fuck off! 'In Dad she trusts!' it seems!

I'd like her to explain how they resolved this:

We also quarrelled about how to manage our finances, and how often we made love.

She's explained that she relinquished any say in the finances but what about sex? No mention of it in that article. I wonder why.

She hasnt changed at all, just become more manipulative and passive aggressive. Sounds terrible

This kind of primitive non thinking is quite common in america. Trouble is that women like her - boring, no life, no interests, arrogant, no reasoning skills - also breed like rabbits.

She sounds like she got the husband she deserved. She doesnt seem to think she has anything to offer except when on her back, and from what she says, I'm afraid I agree.

She is the female equivalent of the kind of man who can only see the opposite sex in the light of a Madonna/whore dichotomy.

There seem to be people out there who for some reason really cannot handle an adult relationship between equals. Either because of deep seated issues regarding self and other people- or because they are bloody lazy and equality requires using your brain on a daily basis.

I'd have thought, if you are in this situation, a better alternative to swinging between unhealthy extremes would be either to get some help to explore your issues- or stay single.

OurBlanche: They have some subtext though, don't they?

1. Relinquishes inappropriate control of her husband Lets her husband do whatever he wants and doesn't complain
2. Respects her husband's thinking Accepts her husband is always right
3. Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him Grateful for him 'providing'
4. Expresses what she wants without trying to control him Never tries to get her own way about anything
5. Relies on him to handle household finances - no subtext needed - just fucking sexist

6 .Focuses on her own self-care and fulfilment Looks after herself physically/doesn't expect anything of her husband

These principles have to be looked at a bit more critically than the surface meaning when they come under the heading of 'The Surrendered Wife' and only apply to women, don't they?

More barmy nonsense coming out of America.

Just ignore.
I dare say she has been asked to give a good 'puff' to the book. Maybe she even has one in the pipeline herself - How I Learned To Love Being A Surrendered Wife.
I think it might come as a bit of a shock to many here to realise what often goes down well in the Bible Belt. Or the 'Guns and Jesus' belt, as I heard it described during the recent election.

Blanche - typed my comment hurriedly when already in a bad mood. Admit the 'shocked and disgusted bit' sounds a bit reactionary, but sentiment remains the same. Of course I don't 'want to take away a woman's right to explain exactly who she is (or wants to say she is)'. I'm in a bad mood and chose my wording poorly - but I guess it's my right to do that!

YANBU. Surrendered wife thinking is bollocks, what men like is a firm hand.