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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really take against H's new friend?

54 replies

Bogeyface · 26/11/2016 14:33

I just dont like him. I think that he is manipulative and not to be trusted, but I cant base that on anything concrete that he has done, its just a gut feeling.

I met him properly for the first time last night after an initial "this is so and so" and the odd hello when I picked H up from work, and seeing him interact with the rest of their work colleagues just made me feel odd about him.

I have googled him and he has a conviction for a major theft a few years ago, and maybe that is influencing my feelings, but I just dont trust him.

He has served his time (well almost, his sentence still has a few months to run but he is out on certain conditions, is it time off for good behaviour or something?) so H feels like I should give him a chance.

AIBU to not want to do this? I am not concerned about H being persuaded to get involved in crime, he wouldnt do that, but I dont want him unwittingly being used by this guy if he did decide to go back to crime such as an alibi or whatever.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/11/2016 14:37

No YANBU (albeit possibly prejudiced after googling him) - trust your gut instinct.

I used to have lodgers in my home, and I foolishly went against my gut instinct with one of the first of them. He wasn't bad, he wasn't untrustworthy or anything, but I knew we wouldn't get along and after he'd been there a year I came to hate him, pretty much. It took me another year to ask him to leave though, so that was a whole year of my heart dropping whenever I came home and he was there.

Your DH might be being a bit soft, but you don't have to play along - just say you don't want to socialise with him.

Thattimeofyearagain · 26/11/2016 14:40

YANBU, gut instinct is usually body language queues that we process unconsciously.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 26/11/2016 16:24

Thanks.

I do trust my instinct, having ignored it to my cost in my much younger days. Now if something is telling me that someone cant be trusted or should be avoided or whatever, then I go with that feeling and it has never been wrong.

The issue is if H wants us to socialise more with him, which I suspect he will. I dont want out and out say that I dont like him, but I may have to if he pushes it.

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 26/11/2016 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/11/2016 06:29

bogey - I think you do have to say so, yes. Just tell your DH that you don't want to see this man, you have a bad feeling about him and have no wish to hang out with him, but your H is welcome to do so on his own. You trust your DH not to get into any bother with him, so that shouldn't cause an issue (unless your DH starts insisting that YOU have to give him a chance - no, you don't)

ExploraDora · 27/11/2016 06:38

It's a mumsnet cliche, but seriously, read 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin de Becker. Gut instinct isn't imaginary, it's you reading clues subconsciously and being unable to consciously express them because we're so discouraged from voicing these 'unkind' or 'impolite' thoughts that we never learn to articulate them.

You not wanting to socialise with him is entirely reasonable and I wouldn't want him in my home either.

beresh · 27/11/2016 07:00

I have a male friend who is one of a group of friends from my uni days. My dh on meeting him after uni 20 years ago had a strong instinct he didn't trust him. I respect my dh's view and don't invite him to our home but it is sometimes awkward though and I think he is wrong!

goddessofsmallthings · 27/11/2016 07:03

Whatever the length of sentence he was given for the major theft, he will have served half of it (or less if he was remanded in custody prior to the trial) in prison before being released on licence to serve the remainder in the community. This means that he is subject to immediate recall to prison if he offends again before the time is up.

From your posts on this site I have no reason to doubt your judgement, Bogey, and I would hope that your dh is of the same mind and heeds any warning you give him in relation to not getting too close to this man.

Out of curiousity, did it seem to you that he was trying a tad too hard with his colleagues, that he was turning the spotlight on himself too often, maybe presenting himself as full of 'hail fellow well met' bonhomie, and did you sense a certain 'falseness' to his behaviour - almost as if he was laughing up his sleeve at them?

Ahickiefromkinickie · 27/11/2016 07:38

No YANBU (albeit possibly prejudiced after googling him) - trust your gut instinct.

Thumb, you googled the guy?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/11/2016 07:56

No, Ahickie - bogey googled him, which increased her feelings against him.

IminaPickle · 27/11/2016 08:02

Oo- why did you google him?

Interestingangelfish · 27/11/2016 08:10

Just to put the other perspective, but DH has taken against a few of my friends over the years, been quite outspoken (to me) about his dislike for them, and refused to socialise with them, and I've found it awkward and embarrassing.

I'm not saying he's been altogether wrong in the faults he's accused them of, either, but to to me we are all a mixture of good and bad - I don't expect my friends to be flawless.

It's difficult, because you shouldn't have to spend lots of time with someone you dislike, but perhaps if there was a group outing situation, or you were having lots of people over for a party, you could show willing to invite this guy, just to avoid making it embarrassing for your dh by your dislike becoming too obvious? I'm aware this might be slightly hypocritical, but I think an occasional bit of benign deceit to spare the feelings of those we love is ok.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 19:38

Out of curiousity, did it seem to you that he was trying a tad too hard with his colleagues, that he was turning the spotlight on himself too often, maybe presenting himself as full of 'hail fellow well met' bonhomie, and did you sense a certain 'falseness' to his behaviour - almost as if he was laughing up his sleeve at them?

No to the laughing up his sleeve, but yes to the rest. He is Mr Popular, everyone loves him, thinks he is hilarious, flirts with all the women and plays up to the men. If he was a woman I would be thinking "This is an affair waiting to happen" honestly! Its like a full on man crush....

I googled him because H mentioned the prison sentence and it was a major theft that netted him several years, not sure if it was his first offence but I doubt it due to the nature of the crime and the way he was dealt with in court (from what I read in the local paper online anyway).

I think he portrays himself as a lovable rogue iykwim. I think that he got the message that I wasnt falling for it too, not sure why I know that, again just a vibe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 19:39

Interesting this is the only friend of his that I dont like, the rest I get on really well with, I think an awful lot of all of them. I would say that they are my friends too now.

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Laiste · 27/11/2016 19:56

So, checking your OP bogey; so H feels like I should give him a chance. AIBU to not want to do this?

You're not being U to not want to do this IMO. But how will you handle it? You can't forbid him to socialise with the guy. But you can stick to your guns about having him in the house i guess.

I know how you feel btw. I used to dislike one of DHs work mates. I used to be honest about how i felt about him and said he wasn;t welcome in the house. They were in each others pockets 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Sometimes DH would spend an hour after work with him having a pint at his house. He was into drugs (using and selling) and although DH had nothing to do with that side of it i hated him being involved with the bloke at all. It was 2 years before SH got sick of him finally and now they never speak or see each other. Hoorah! Grin

Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 20:07

Well thankfully there is very little socialising at his work, the weekend thing was an early Xmas party and there wont be another one. H and I tend to socialise together with other friends, this person lives in another city so getting together for the odd pint is unlikely, at least at the moment although next year that may change.

If he does want us to go out with him again then I will explain how I feel but hopefully his man crush will have passed a bit by then!

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ManonLescaut · 27/11/2016 20:11

I'd never have anything to do with someone who'd been to prison full stop.

You're under no obligation to have anything to do with him just because your husband's got bad taste in men crushes.

AnyFucker · 27/11/2016 20:16

I would have no compunction about refusing to socialise with him and making it clear that if H does so, my approval will be seriously stretched

Trust your instinct. I trust yours and I trust mine.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 20:17

I have a friend who has been to prison so I am not biased in that respect.

He had a gambling addiction and embezzled from his employer. It broke him, he has had treatment, served his time and is a changed man. I have a lot of respect for him, he has never hidden what he did and now helps other addicts.

This man......no, he is different. His charm offensive, his way of trying to be everyones favourite, its as if he needs people to believe that he is a lovable rogue rather than a convicted criminal.

I just remembered something he said to me. He made a point of saying that he texts H eveyr morning when they are on their way to work (seperarely) and calls him a made up nick name. A) how fucking childish and b) why make a point of telling me that? As I say, if it was a woman I would say that she was after stealing my husband!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 20:20

And no, he isnt gay!

OP posts:
JellyBelli · 27/11/2016 20:21

YANBU, and I'd recommend you read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It will help you listen to that gut feeling, and verbalise it.
Most of us manage to go a whole decade or more without committing a serious crime. Confused

I'll also point out that a few weeks ago someone had their car stolen, a visitor had taken the keys and driven it away and the police were not very helpful about it. It made me realise that I leave things like my purse just lying around and have never thought about it.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 27/11/2016 20:24

Gawd, I don't like the sound of him either.
He texts him everyday, with a made up nickname? Weirdo. Hopefully it'll burn out like the er brightest stars.

AnyFucker · 27/11/2016 20:24

He is testing you

Doublemint · 27/11/2016 20:25

Seconding what anyfucker said. Sounds like a sociopath getting a kick out of being rumbled by you

birdybirdywoofwoof · 27/11/2016 20:26

Surely h finds that weird? Surely he does!