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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to really take against H's new friend?

54 replies

Bogeyface · 26/11/2016 14:33

I just dont like him. I think that he is manipulative and not to be trusted, but I cant base that on anything concrete that he has done, its just a gut feeling.

I met him properly for the first time last night after an initial "this is so and so" and the odd hello when I picked H up from work, and seeing him interact with the rest of their work colleagues just made me feel odd about him.

I have googled him and he has a conviction for a major theft a few years ago, and maybe that is influencing my feelings, but I just dont trust him.

He has served his time (well almost, his sentence still has a few months to run but he is out on certain conditions, is it time off for good behaviour or something?) so H feels like I should give him a chance.

AIBU to not want to do this? I am not concerned about H being persuaded to get involved in crime, he wouldnt do that, but I dont want him unwittingly being used by this guy if he did decide to go back to crime such as an alibi or whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 20:36

Yes, my first thought was that it was a test of some sort.

I dont think he does find it weird. He takes people on face value so if they are being friendly then he assumes that they are friendly, it doesnt occur to him that there might be more to it.

I wish I knew was his agenda is....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/11/2016 20:43

I have a feeling you will find out before too long

Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 20:52

I wonder....

Maybe he is just a dick and doesnt like the fact that I am not falling for his bullshit as everyone else has. I hope its just that.

OP posts:
Interestingangelfish · 27/11/2016 20:52

Apologies for my earlier post, as reading your up-dates this guy does sound proper weird.

Somerville · 27/11/2016 20:54

I have found in my life that my initial impressions of people aren't always accurate. I can meet someone and they're a bit ill or drunk or going through some shite or whatever, and don't give the best impression of themselves. I used to do this when I was younger a lot - just take against someone based on one meeting and not give them a chance. It was probably mainly my own insecurities coming out, actually. So I try really hard these days not to judge someone based on most initial impressions, and keep an open mind for longer.

But sometimes there's that prickle down your spine around a male that you just know means steer clear. It's happened to me very rarely but when it does I refuse to give them another chance: just get it of the situation as quick as possible, even to he point of rudeness.

Probably everyone's experience of instincts is different, but I feel like you're describing something between the two? But you've given it more time and gathered more information, and still feel the same, right? So yeah, I agree with everyone else, Bogey, trust your instincts here. Will DH listen to you about it?

Doublemint · 27/11/2016 20:55

He probably just wants to test your relationship with DH. He knows you're not buying his act, and that your DH is.
He might just be telling you things like the nickname thing to see how knowing DH is buying it and that they are (apparently) on a "nickname" level to gauge your reaction and see what you do.
Honestly he sounds like he's playing a part and you've seen through it. So now you're an unknown entity and he finds it entertaining in a way.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/11/2016 20:56

It could just be that he's trying too hard. I suspect if I'd been sent to prison for theft and had somehow managed to find myself another job, I'd try too hard as well. And I know when I do try too hard I come across as false and brittle and really a bit of a PITA.

That doesn't mean you should disregard your gut feelings, just that there may be a slightly more innocent explanation for the way he's coming across.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 27/11/2016 20:57

I'm not impressed that your h has got so involved with this weirdo.
The texting thing is way too much, too soon.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2016 21:06

This is a little weird. On one hand , yes sometimes we just dislike people and they dislike us, so fair enough. On the other hand I actually think you sound a little jealous. Or something I can't put my finger on, are you concerned that's he's such s big personality your husband might follow suit, start flirting etc?

Genuinely I don't see though the issue with him wanting people to think of him as a lovable rogue and not a convicted criminal. That sounds kinda natural to me. Why would you want people to think of uou as a convicted criminal in this context?

Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 21:21

No Blunt, its the falseness, the......arghh...I cant describe it!

I am not jealous but I do feel that I might be being pushed so I act jealously iykwim

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/11/2016 21:36

Don't let him pull your strings, bogey

Speak to your H

At this point your H's relationship is more important than his mancrush ?

Right ?

Tbh , my eyebrows would be raised off the top of my head at the daily morning texting

My H would back right off from that, deciding it was a bit weird. Are your H's boundaries a bit fucked ?

Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 21:40

AF I am not sure if you remember my issues from a few years ago but I think that we can safely say that yes his boundaries are fucked! If I said that I thought it was weird he would be pissed off and say that it is just a laugh.....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/11/2016 21:50

I have a vague memory bogey (sorry, lots of MN posts since then...)

Do you feel like you have to police him ? He doesn't sound like he protects his boundaries well.

Honestly, my H would write this guy off as weird and pushy. (As you may know, I rarely say stuff like "my H thinks x, yor z" but I think it is relevant here)

If a bloke was texting him daily, giving him pet nicknames and getting digs in with me about it he would absolutely stonewall this bloke. No aggression required, just simple deadpan face and non reactionary ignoring of the communications

This is what your H should be doing. Why isn't he ? If it carries on I would have a very uncomfortable feeling that he was complicit in the piss taking and my wrath would know no bounds

ConfusedRabbit · 27/11/2016 21:53

YANBU to go with your gut. I rarely get a strong negative feeling about a person but when I do, they're usually right!

Ex-DP had the same situation. A colleague got weirdly close. They called each other every day more than once (if DP didn't pick up, he would call over and over until he did). This is after working together all day! Colleague was very similar to your DH's friend - cheeky chappy, attention seeking, flirty, wants to be everyone's favourite person...and, as it turned out, has a criminal record. He turned out to be mentally unstable and quite aggressive. The gut doesn't lie except when it fails to mention DP is a cheating sociopath but that's another story

Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 22:27

The problem with H is, as I said, he takes people absolutely at face value. So if his mate is joking then H takes it as joking, he doesnt really see undercurrents. So if I said anything about the texting thing he would see me as over reacting to a joke, not to put me down but because it wouldnt cross his mind that it could be anything else.

Ironically, he is very very trusting, which can be a problem. I believe that a healthy level of cynicism is essential to ones well being!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/11/2016 22:28

Nah. Not buying your husband's wilful naivety. Sorry.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 22:31

It has hurt him far more over the years than me, believe me. He has trusted people who have well and truly fucked him over, one person in particular I remember really really hurt him. H had gone out of his way to help this old friend who had had a bad time of it. He believed the bullshit, helped him get a job, helped him find a place to live by advocating for him with another friend.

Friend stole from H, stole from their employer and left a mountain of unpaid rent and debts behind him that our other friend had to sort out.

Drives me mad that he never even considers that not everyone is all they seem.

OP posts:
Somerville · 27/11/2016 22:33

If he's naturally trusting and takes people absolutely at face value... shouldn't that include you Bogey? It sounds like his new best bud gets to get away with whatever he wants and you can't even object to a joke...?

There's something a bit off about it all. sorry, Can't put my finger on more than that. Do you have a really trusted friend who doesn't know either of them as well as you do, who can hang around and see if she can pick up on what the vibe is?

Original poster
Bogeyface · 27/11/2016 22:42

Its not that he would get funny with me, he would just write it off as a misunderstanding. What I cant do is get him to understand that I dont think it is a joke at all, thats the frustrating thing.

OP posts:
Somerville · 27/11/2016 23:06

He's been hurt before by friendships that were really about a user wanting stuff from him - he needs to learn from experience that he's not good at recognising the red flags but that luckily he has a wife who can...

It must feel like banging your head against a brick wall.

AnyFucker · 27/11/2016 23:52

Bogey, complete this well known MN saying...

You don't have a creepy friend problem, you have a......

If this pushy guy wasn't allowed to get near, there would not be an issue.

AnyFucker · 27/11/2016 23:55

And I guess it's always you that "misunderstands" right ?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/11/2016 02:18

As my dad used to say 'Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas'. I'm assuming that DH's employer knows this 'gentleman's' background, but even so I don't think it'll do DH any good to be seen as being all 'palsy-walsy' with him. And if he should resort to his prior behaviour, DH will be at the least looked at askance, at the most be suspected of being involved.

People like this man are very canny and can spot naiveté a mile away! Whether or not he'll take advantage of DH or if he just wants someone to be his sycophant for his own amusement, who knows? Either way, I wouldn't like it and I wouldn't facilitate it.

But here's your danger, once this man realizes that you see him for what he is he will 1-hate your guts because you know exactly what he is and 2-see you as a 'danger' to his relationship with his sycophant. So you can expect him to start trying to undermine your relationship. It'll start with little remarks like "The old ball-and-chain calling again, eh?" and "Can't meet up tonight? The little woman cracking the whip again I see" accompanied with the male equivalent of 'tinkly little laugh' (whatever that is). The next step will be encouraging behaviour unbecoming to a man in a committed relationship. Strip clubs, playing 'wingman', you get my drift. Not that your relationship will break down or that your DH will stray, but it still causes strain.

Been there, done that with an ex-friend of DH's who was a serial philanderer.

Atenco · 28/11/2016 03:22

Just another one saying about the usefulness of gut instinct. I haven't always had it about wrong'uns, I'm a bit like your DH, but when I have had it has seldom let me down. I had it about someone who sounds a bit similar to this fella. He was the adoration of very dear friends of mine. I had it for all of ten minutes then I fell under his spell myself. Unfortunately a friend of mine fell even more under his spell and had a romance with him which ended up in his royally ripping her off.

goddessofsmallthings · 28/11/2016 06:37

Men can be as beguiled by "the lovable rogue" as women for the reasons outlined here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lovable_rogue

However, as he's set your alarm bells ringing, I very much doubt that this particular 'lovable rogue's' code of ethics favours anyone except himself, Bogey, and to that extent he could be said to be something of a wolf in sheep's clothing, disarming the unsuspecting with a roguish charm that disguises his true intent.

I'd hazard a guess that he's a recidivist, but not clever enough to be termed a 'career criminal' as he's unable to accurately calculate the odds of sufficiently profiting from his crimes to offset the amount of time he's sentenced to serve if caught.

If this is the case, he will have broken the law on numerous occasions and will continue to offend into ripe old age. In all probability he has committed further crimes since his release, but these will have taken the form of petty pilfering and other misdeamours that he knew he could get away with/talk his way out of in the unlikely event he was caught in the act.

I'd be interested to know whether the 'major theft' was a sophisticated heist or a silver-tongued con. Either way, your dh is best advised to keep his distance because many moths will have been burned by this man's flame.

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