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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DP booked these flights without consulting me?

61 replies

milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 14:56

DP and I are going away to Europe next month. We decided last night to cut the trip short as money is a bit of an issue at the moment. DP said he would sort earlier flight home (hes obsessed with planes and flying) and I went to bed as had to be up early for work.

He's just informed me that the flight he's booked will be a stop over flight. Now this wouldn't be an issue if I wasn't terrified of flying. It takes me all my courage to get on a plane once and the thought of having to do it twice in one journey has me in an utter state of panic.

I'd happily have paid the extra £50 it would have cost for a direct flight. Anything to avoid taking off and landing anymore than strictly necessary.

He's saying that AIBU and that "nobody is really scared of flying" [hmmm]

OP posts:
Mebee · 21/11/2016 14:57

YANBU

I'm petrified of flying so I'd be exactly the same as you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/11/2016 15:00

Not great. But having got mostly over a fear of flying, maybe this is the time to try to help yourself get over yours.

griffinsss · 21/11/2016 15:01

Wow, YANBU.

I'm not afraid of flying at all but I do have my own fears. I'd be so angry if my OH belittled them and booked for me to do something that he knew would make me panic. You have every right to be angry.

Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:01

Thank you Mebee.

I can't believe he has been so insensitive. I actually feel sick at the thought of it. I've said on more than one occasion that the only time I would subject myself to it would be for a long haul, once in a lifetime holiday. I've never flown long haul and my fear of flying is the main reason.

OP posts:
Graphista · 21/11/2016 15:02

Also terrified of flying (take off and landing the worst parts)

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Does he have any fears?

Costacoffeeplease · 21/11/2016 15:07

I used to have a fear of flying, it came on quite suddenly in my 20s and lasted 10 or 15 years, and then went again. My husband totally ignored it and booked many holidays for us, long and short haul. In retrospect, he was right, although I used to curse him at the time, the more you fly, the more confident you become and you get to know all the noises the plane makes

I'd see it as an opportunity to get a grip on your fear - I used to think of all the pilots and cabin crew who went to work every day to get on a plane, sometimes several, as a completely routine job

I also found long haul flights much easier than short haul as there's more to do, you're generally going to somewhere quite exciting, and there's a very long time of not a lot happening, so you can relax more than on a one or two hour flight where so much time is taken up with the take off and landing

You'll be fine, good luck

Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:08

I've flown loads within Europe and I'm still not over my fears.

Taking off absolutely terrifies me. It is the worst feeling in the world. The thought of doing it twice in a short space of time makes me feel utterly ill.

He has no fear of flying. In fact he loves it. Getting on two planes in a short space of time is his idea of a great day.

OP posts:
Mebee · 21/11/2016 15:10

He sounds like he's been completely disrespectful & selfish to me.
No way would my DH do that to me as he knows how scared I am of flying.

I've flown loads, long and short haul and it never gets any better.

Sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel, see if you can change the flights.

Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:11

To be honest it really isn't the time for me to be getting a grip of my fears. It's our only holiday this year and I've just been diagnosed with fertility problems, so frankly already stressed to death. This is now just stressing me out even more.

He's still been totally dismissive. He thinks I'm completely over reacting.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/11/2016 15:12

Getting on two planes in a short amount of time may be part of what you need. If you want to try to get over your fear. Your body can't keep producing more and more physical reactions to fear over and over again. Eventually you have to start to feel better if you find coping mechanisms and try to work through things.

However, if all you do is very short flights, what might happen is you get scared, land, feel better and your body never has a chance to 'get over' the fear while you're still flying.

Do you want some tips? While still acknowledging that your DP is a knobber Grin

Costacoffeeplease · 21/11/2016 15:12

I know, I understand - my husband has had to physically push me down the corridor onto the plane while I cried and told him what a bastard he was and that I was never doing it again. I used to work out how I'd get home by train and boat rather than fly back, and spend the last 24 hours before any flight throwing up

I'm now too disabled to fly, so I'm glad I did it when I could

Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:12

I'll see if I can change the flights.

OP posts:
Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:13

It's the taking off that scares me. I honestly think the plane is just going to drop out of the sky at any moment. I almost feel like dissociate from what's going on, the fear is that bad.

OP posts:
mamatiger2016 · 21/11/2016 15:14

I hate flying, so much so that the doctor now gives me a couple of diazepam to take if I have a long haul flight to do. Might be worth getting yourself to the doctors to see if they will prescribe anything. It's the best thing I ever did

Costacoffeeplease · 21/11/2016 15:15

Download the flightradar app and watch how many planes are taking off all over the world every minute of the day. Follow them - follow your flight between now and when you go

CockacidalManiac · 21/11/2016 15:16

Is he usually not empathetic?

Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:18

He's usually really emphatic. I can't quite believe he's done this tbh.

OP posts:
Graphista · 21/11/2016 15:18

I meant fear of anything not just flying - point being how would he feel if you did same to him?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/11/2016 15:18

DP and I are going away to Europe next month. We decided last night to cut the trip short as money is a bit of an issue at the moment.

Did he book the flights because they were cheaper, or because he likes flying? If he was genuinely trying to save money and you're hard up enough to be cutting holidays short to save some, that's understandable.

I've flown loads within Europe and I'm still not over my fears.

Is he aware of how bad it is? As he's seen you do it lots, is it possible that he thinks it's a manageable fear?

If the answer to both of those is no, then he was being a knob, and I don't think I'd want to go on holiday with him. If it's yes, then he was saving money and he probably didn't realise it'd be a big deal for you if you do choose to fly a lot and usually cope okay. In that scenario you probably need to talk to him and reiterate that you can fly in some conditions, but that taking off twice in the same day is too much, or something.

Fear of flying is common, but I think most people with the fear either avoid flying at all costs or lose the fear, it seems relatively unusual to be able to fly fairly frequently but still be very scared - so maybe that's caused confusion. Not that it should have; but if he's usually a nice guy, it's much more likely to be a breakdown in communication and understanding then a deliberate act of hostility.

RhiWrites · 21/11/2016 15:22

It's so horrible insensitive to tell you that your fear isn't real. That's just really horrible and cruel.

Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:24

I think he booked them because they were cheaper. I don't think he was deliberately being a knob. I suspect he's secretly thrilled at the prospect of all the extra plane time though.

I've only flown with him once. I was sort of OK on way out because I was drunk! On the way back though I was really scared and he knows I was.

Is he scared of anything? Not in the same way, although he's an utter hypochondriac so I guess you could say he's scared of illness.

OP posts:
Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:25

He's still maintaining that nobody is really scared of flying :(

OP posts:
RosieSW · 21/11/2016 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbaraofSeville · 21/11/2016 15:29

Spend the money saved on a fear of flying course, or lots of booze during the stopover.

I quite like stopovers, after changing at Amsterdam last year. I only wished the stopover had been a bit longer, as I didn't have quite enough time to look round the airport shops, of which there are loads of really good ones.

Graphista · 21/11/2016 15:32

Difficult, I was hoping to be able to suggest wording s scenario in which HE feels scared but is forced to do the thing he's scared of. I've done this with several people to explain my (far too many) fears.

I even have an ex that's a pilot! So I know how planes work still hate flying! Even he didn't have the attitude your dp does, he's seen how people very afraid of flying can be so certainly knows it's real!

Phobias especially of flying are very well known he's being a big of a knob saying it's not real!