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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DP booked these flights without consulting me?

61 replies

milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 14:56

DP and I are going away to Europe next month. We decided last night to cut the trip short as money is a bit of an issue at the moment. DP said he would sort earlier flight home (hes obsessed with planes and flying) and I went to bed as had to be up early for work.

He's just informed me that the flight he's booked will be a stop over flight. Now this wouldn't be an issue if I wasn't terrified of flying. It takes me all my courage to get on a plane once and the thought of having to do it twice in one journey has me in an utter state of panic.

I'd happily have paid the extra £50 it would have cost for a direct flight. Anything to avoid taking off and landing anymore than strictly necessary.

He's saying that AIBU and that "nobody is really scared of flying" [hmmm]

OP posts:
Graphista · 21/11/2016 15:33

Ok I'm reaching here but

As a hypochondriac how would he feel if you booked a holiday to Chernobyl area? Or the modern equivalent of a leper colony? Would he just suck that up?

Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:34

I'd love to save it and spend it on booze, but it's not really an option given we're ttc.

I think he's been really selfish. He loves flying so therefore my fears are irrelevant.

OP posts:
Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:35

Haha Graphista. I might do that.

Actually he has a phobia about scrunched up tissue. I might leave loads of it lying around on his side of the bed tonight.

OP posts:
AlmaCogansFrockFan · 21/11/2016 15:43

OP I'm incensed on your behalf - does he have no empathy at all? My late husband would never fly so any foreign holidays were by car/ferry and latterly cruises from the UK as I respected his fear of flying. And as for saying that nobody is really scared of flying!!! what a nasty piece of work - surely there are websites you could show him about this condition - and the various therapies available -people wouldn't be offering those if the fear didn't exist. Could you get advice from your doctor about alleviating your fear - and possibly any leaflets to show your horrible husband that it really exists?

Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 15:45

He's not normally horrible. That's why I can't believe he's done this. It's so out of character. He thinks because I flew before and survived then that means I'll be OK this time.

I'm going to send him every link I can possibly find on the subject. I honestly don't want to go on the holiday now. All I'll be thinking about is the journey back.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 21/11/2016 15:47

He's still maintaining that nobody is really scared of flying sad

He's being a dick, then - he doesn't get to decide that. Also, I was imagining that he'd been with you on quite a lot of flights before, and therefore maybe thought it was getting better because he can read you a bit. If you've flown once with him, he doesn't have enough info to make that call.

Definitely hide scrunched up pillows between his pillows and in his side of the duvet tonight and then tell him nobody is scared of tissues when he complains. It's silly and he'll probably say as much but hopefully it'll drive the point home.

Then change the flights, if you can. It's your phobia, and you get to choose how to manage it.

QueenMortificado · 21/11/2016 15:47

OP I used to be terrified of flying but read this amazing book which was recommended on here and in feel soooo much better about it. I'm not 100% cured, I still feel uncomfortable but I am not scared any more

Let me see if I can find it for you

Graphista · 21/11/2016 15:47

Definitely at least threaten the tissues! So he can see your point. And change the flights if you can.

TroubleinDaFamily · 21/11/2016 15:50

Ask him what he would like to wear.

When he says for what, reply when the undertaker lays you out. Grin

I would be really annoyed with my DH if he pulled a stunt like that and money aside it feels like a stunt to me.

Stick to your guns.

brightnearly · 21/11/2016 16:04

I can empathise, too - I'm not at all scared of flying, I have a deep trust in planes and pilots and think air is quite similar to water in many ways - but I still don't like flying.

Yes, it's beautiful to, say, see a glorious sunset above the clouds, it's also lovely to leave a miserable, rainy day behind and have a cup of tea in the sunshine above the clouds. It's amazing to see mountain ranges from high up.

But it's just that feeling of not quite knowing what's going to happen next - on a boat, you can feel the wind/see the waves etc, but on a plane you never know. I don't like that!!!

But: Diazepam has really helped me with this (I think I actually got something slightly different), I've used it a few times and it conditioned me into some sort of (more or less) relaxed mode when on the plane - which meant I could actually enjoy a flight!
This also helped during stopover flights; once relaxed and ok with the whole setting, it wasn't such a problem to do two takeoffs in one day.

However - it all depends on your current state! If you say that you're currently feeling delicate, and flying stresses you out - your OH was unreasonable and should be told to change the flight to a direct one or cancel the holiday and spend a long weekend in Norfolk instead!

rookiemere · 21/11/2016 16:08

YANBU.
I know people who always travel premium economy because they hate flying so much, or indeed my friend has booked her DH into Premium whilst they go economy as he is so frightened of flying he is in danger of passing that fear onto the DCs.

Therefore whilst it's a fear I don't have, I'd never make someone who didn't like flying do an unnecessary journey for the sake of £50. Besides which layovers are an absolute pain in the ass, we only fly from our local airport and direct - unless it's long haul of course.

I know with some flights they are non refundable but can be changed/cancelled within 24 hrs of booking - worth checking if these tickets are like that.

user1471446905 · 21/11/2016 16:13

Where on earth are you flying to in Europe that requires a stop over?

Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 16:17

I might have used the wrong terminology there. It's a connecting flight, not a stop over. We have to land in Brussels and then wait two and a half hours for our flight back to London.

I seriously cannot be arsed with the whole thing any more. We've already has a load of crap with DP's employer threatening to not give him enough annual leave. Then we had to cut it short for money reasons and now this.

OP posts:
blankmind · 21/11/2016 16:20

I'm going to take a different line to everyone else and say okay I accept you have an overwhelming sense of fear and panic, but what techniques have you tried to overcome your fear OP?

Google fear of flying EFT, there are loads of free videos and descriptions, pick one that you can identify with and have a go, over and over, just try.

Or there's hypnosis, or valium or loads of other things that ordinary afraid/terrified people do to get themselves airborne. Why should you be different, is your fear worse than theirs?

Ask yourself, do you want to live with a crippling fear that restricts your choice of holiday destinations, or do you want to try and do something about it?

dowhatnow · 21/11/2016 16:21

If you can't cancel or amend, can you get the euro tunnel train from Brussels? That could work out cheaper.

user1471446905 · 21/11/2016 16:22

Yes but where are you coming from? Surely the flight time can't be worth the saving as most flights in europe are pretty short, if you add on a 2.5 hr transit your are probably at least doubling the time. Unless it was a huge saving it can't make sense.

WouldHave · 21/11/2016 16:22

Book yourself as soon as possible onto a fear of flying course - e.g. this one. And go and see your doctor about getting tranquillisers prescribed for the journey.

Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 16:25

It's not a case of not facing my fears though is it? I will face my fears and fly. I know you have to suck it up. I usually use either valium or booze to get me through.

It's the fact that I'm not going to have to suck up my fears twice and totally unnecessarily. This wouldn't be happening if DP hadn't just merrily booked these flights! He's saying he didn't realise, but when we booked the original flights I explicitly said that we weren't booking ones which meant a connecting flight.

OP posts:
Original poster
milkandmorewine · 21/11/2016 16:25

We are flying from Vienna.

OP posts:
Cromwell1536 · 21/11/2016 16:28

dowhat, that was my first thought when I read they were stopping in Brussels. Get on Eurostar and enjoy the last leg of your journey. Don't know what the transfer from the airport to the international rail station is like, but the train journey to London is lovely.

BarbaraofSeville · 21/11/2016 16:29

They probably won't be able to change the flights without losing all the money paid so far.

Airline pricing is madness. DP went to Berlin earlier this year and the cheapest way was to go via Brussels. Even more bizarrely, booking the UK-Brussels legs without the Brussels to Berlin legs, but otherwise the same flights for UK-Brussels was a lot more expensive than the whole thing.

I looked because I knew it had cost something like £120 return each and I thought, if he's getting 2 flights to Berlin via Brussels for that price, the UK-Brussels bit must be very cheap, but no, that was something like £400, which makes no sense at all.

user1471446905 · 21/11/2016 16:29

Vienna - in that case he was very unreasonable. He has turned a 2.5 hour journey into a 5.5hour journey for little benefit. Madness

BarbaraofSeville · 21/11/2016 16:31

Following on from my previous post, it is likely that if you don't get on the UK-Brussels flights and go via Eurostar instead, your other flights will be cancelled, or they will charge your card with a load more money (read the small printing on conditions on connecting flights).

Cromwell1536 · 21/11/2016 16:33

Ah, OK, OP. You will fly, but you want to stay pissed off at thoughtless partner. Fair enough. But in your shoes, I"d just book Eurostar home from Brussels, so that partner knows damn well in future that you really, really meant it about not taking off and landing more than once. I don't know when you're booked, but there's a good chance the ticket will be covered by the £50 saving made on the flight. Enjoy Vienna anyway - I saw it briefly on the telly last night and it looks lovely.

Donatellalymanmoss · 21/11/2016 16:37

Maybe he just thinks if you were that scared you wouldn't fly at all.

My advice. Have a rant. And then work on ways to tackle your fear.

I'm not a massive fan of flying and used to be quite scared, but when I spent a lot of time thinking rationally about what there actually is to be scared about I came to the conclusion that flying is actually extrodinarily safe and that I should just get on with it.