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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant, the dad has passed...help

58 replies

ColourfulOrangex · 21/11/2016 14:32

Hi I'm not sure if this in the right place but I'll ask anyway...
I am 25 and pregnant with my second child but the dad has recently passed away in a road accident. I have a child from a previous relationship (5) but his dad is not in the picture (hasn't been since my son was 11 months) I want this baby as it was planned and the dad and I had known each other for over 9 years but only got together 2 years ago due to various reasons, I guess I'm scared to go this alone incase people think bad of me having 2 children neither with dad's, is it fair on the baby if I carry on with the pregnancy? Am I doing the right thing? I feel so confused and lost :(

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 21/11/2016 14:34

Oh you poor thing.

How many weeks pregnant are you and how recently did your partner die? Are his family aware that you're pregnant?

Autumnsweater · 21/11/2016 14:36

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
ColourfulOrangex · 21/11/2016 14:38

HeyRoly I am only 7 weeks and he passed last Thursday, his brother knows I am pregnant and so do some of my family

OP posts:
Captainladder · 21/11/2016 14:38

So sorry for your loss. I wouldn't think you were bad for having 2 children neither with dads.Flowers

SmellySphinx · 21/11/2016 14:41

Firrst of all of course, sorry your partner has passed away x

Second of all, sod what people think of the situation. It is you who is in this position, not them and their thoughts nor their attitude will have any physical bearing on what you actually do.

What position are you in as far as a place to live, family etc as someone else has asked?

Original poster
ColourfulOrangex · 21/11/2016 14:45

I'm in a good position as in I have a 2 bedroom flat, stable job, some family live 15 minutes away...I just don't know if it's fair on the baby to have him/her knowing they won't grow up with a dad

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 21/11/2016 14:47

I'm so sorry for you.

To hell with what other people think. This baby was planned and wanted. It will be bittersweet, but you will have a little piece of your DP in this child. Something to cherish

Original poster
ColourfulOrangex · 21/11/2016 14:48

HerRoyalNotness thank you, I know it's early days but I needed to make a decision quick...think I might go down the route of not caring what anyone else thinks, this was a choice we made together...thank you x

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 21/11/2016 14:50

I think you have to focus on you. Do YOU want this baby? Lots of children grow up with absent dads - they cope. And if you have family and your partner's family is around, the child will at least know that s/he had a dad...

So sorry for you loss. Can you wait a few weeks before coming to a decision? And get some counselling? I think you need to talk it all through with someone independent.

Flowers
Evilstepmum01 · 21/11/2016 14:52

I;m so sorry for your loss. But if you and your DP planned and wanted this baby, then sod whatever anyone else thinks. It'll be tough but you seem well set up and I;m sure your families will help.
Feel for you though, such an exciting time but so sad too. Bittersweet as one pp said.
Good luck OP, hope all goes well.

notfromstepford · 21/11/2016 14:52

First of all, sorry for your loss, you poor thing, an absolute tragedy.

If you want the baby, then go ahead, it doesn't matter what people think of you - the ones in your life who truly matter will not judge you or think bad of you. There are plenty of single parents and the support available on this forum is amazing.
Good luck and Flowers for you.

Atenco · 21/11/2016 14:53

Do you think his family will emotionally support you and his child?

beccabanana · 21/11/2016 14:54

Please don't make any quick decisions especially as you're grieving yourself. The last thing you want to do is end up regretting finishing a pregnancy based on other people's opinions or what you feel they may think of you, especially since your partner has now passed away.
You poor thing, wishing you all the strength and positivity right now xx

baconandeggies · 21/11/2016 14:54

I'm so sorry OP - how awful.

What other people think of you is none of your business. Really.

Plus if anyone judges someone in the way you describe I also think it says more about them. My friend is a single mother with 2 under 6yrs. She finds her circumstances a fantastic tool for weeding out the arseholes!

If you want your baby, have your baby. If you don't, that's fine too - but please don't base any decisions on what "people will think".

Original poster
ColourfulOrangex · 21/11/2016 14:58

Thank you all, we did both want this baby and I still do, having some other people opinions has helped thank you so much, I do think his family will support us and I will try not to worry about what other people think or say x

OP posts:
SpecialStains · 21/11/2016 15:03

Really sorry about your situation Op.

If you want the baby, then please don't worry about other people at all.

Wishing you all the best. Flowers

HummusForBreakfast · 21/11/2016 15:03

I wouldnt worry about what people think or say.
And I wouldnt also worry about the baby's dad not being around. Its a very different situation than with your ex and hopefully the baby will still be able to be regular contact with your DH's family. This will be make a big difference for hiim/her.

I would also be very careful abut talking about a termination and having to deal with the grief coming from it AND the grief of loosing your partner. Esp as this child was very much anted by both you and your partner.

Would you be able to get some counselling around that? Maybe go and see yur GP and explain the situation and they might be able to refer you sharp ish for that.

Dont forget too that you might want to think about taking an appointment with the MW if you want to carry on with the pregnancy.

SlottedSpoon · 21/11/2016 15:03

I think as the father of this child you are carrying would presumably have been willing to parent your five year old and be a family altogether then apart from immediate friends and family who will already know, nobody needs to know they had two different fathers.

The answer to where their Dad is is 'he died in an accident when I was pregnant with child 2.' No need for you to explain further than that.

If you planned and wanted this child together then you should have it. Life will be hard of course but you've managed alone before and you can again.
And it might bring you and his family some comfort to have a child of his to look forward to, as a way of helping everyone over their grief.

But the point is that you should do what feels right for you and not feel pressured by anyone else.

228agreenend · 21/11/2016 15:05

I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

Plenty of children grow up without their dad. Why don't you compile a book of photographs so he/she will some 'memories' of thier dad.

I don't think any one will judge you for being a single mum. It's not uncommon nowadays.

Leopard12 · 21/11/2016 15:06

To new people you meet I'd just refer to him as their dad especially if he was a father figure to your older dc, unless they're a close friend or relative, who would already know anyway, it's none of their business.

Don't get rid bc of other people's opinions but if you choose to because of how you would cope mentally, physically or financially then its understandable given your circumstances.

Flowers
Benedikte2 · 21/11/2016 15:07

OP, if you want this baby then I feel you will regret it if you terminate the pregnancy. The recommendation is not to make any quick decisions after a bereavement. What would your partner's attitude have been? Did he know about the pregnancy? Was he looking forward to the baby?
You have a perfectly legitimate reason for why DC2's father is absent and in my experience generally children who have never known their father because of death do much better than those whose fathers have abandoned them. The answer is to make every effort to have some male role model/father figure for the child so they are able to relate well to males. I daresay you have done this for your DC1 who will now be grieving the loss of your DP.
Most people say it's the things that they didn't do in this life that they regret most. You can take comfort in the fact that your baby is a visible symbol of the love you shared with your DP, that he will be remembered for another generation.
You appear to be well placed to nurture another child so good luck to you.

ohtheholidays · 21/11/2016 15:08

Anyone with any heart will not judge you, if anything I would imagine anyone that cares about you,your DC or who cared about your partner will want to support you all.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers it must have been an awful shock,If you want your baby then you have it and the best of luck to you and your DC.

2kids2dogsnosense · 21/11/2016 15:08

What beccabanana said. You are in n emotional position to make any life-affecting decisions at the moment.

Take your time, speak to your GP and perhaps ask for grief counselling if that is available (not sure if Cruise accept self-referrals). You have a lot to cope wit and don't want to make any decisions . You have few weeks thinking time yet.

Original poster
ColourfulOrangex · 21/11/2016 15:09

Thank you all so much you have made me think a bit clearer and realise this is my decision and not to worry about what anyone else may say or think, the child will be able to see my partners family and I will definitely do the memory book idea, I think referring to him as both of their dad's would make sense considering he was bringing my son up as his own anyway

OP posts:
MissVictoria · 21/11/2016 15:11

Having the baby may actually help you and his family feel close to him, to know that a part of him is living on in your child. A partner leaving and a partner dying are totally different, nobody could or should judge you for keeping a baby that was planned just because the father died.
I'm so sorry for your loss.