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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pregnant, the dad has passed...help

58 replies

ColourfulOrangex · 21/11/2016 14:32

Hi I'm not sure if this in the right place but I'll ask anyway...
I am 25 and pregnant with my second child but the dad has recently passed away in a road accident. I have a child from a previous relationship (5) but his dad is not in the picture (hasn't been since my son was 11 months) I want this baby as it was planned and the dad and I had known each other for over 9 years but only got together 2 years ago due to various reasons, I guess I'm scared to go this alone incase people think bad of me having 2 children neither with dad's, is it fair on the baby if I carry on with the pregnancy? Am I doing the right thing? I feel so confused and lost :(

OP posts:

Graphista · 21/11/2016 15:12

So sorry for your loss.

An aunt of mine went through the exact same, she was 3 months pregnant, father died in a work accident.

She had the baby (admittedly Catholic so I don't think she'd have considered an abortion), but mostly it was fine. I asked my cousin once about not having a dad, she simply said you don't miss what you've never had.

Ultimately your decision but given single parenthood is much less stigmatised now (my cousin born in the 70's and aunt did get a few stupid comments from people who didn't know why she was a single parent. But as soon as they did they felt suitably ashamed. Though they should've also been ashamed even if she weren't s widow).

My sister has 3 from 2 different dads. Nobody's business.

Your gp/midwife may even be able to put you in touch with a midwife that sort of specialises in this situation (there's not many but they do exist).

There's also young widows groups (sadly I have 2 friends my own age who are single parents through widowhood, one man one woman), including ones for widows with children/pregnant but depends on where you are.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Rupster · 21/11/2016 15:14

I'm very sorry for your loss. This must be a very difficult time for you.

Another way you could ask your question is: "Is it fair on the baby if I end his/her life?" What do you think your baby would say if he/she could answer?

The likelihood is you will find love again, and your baby will have someone to call Daddy.

But even if you don't, I'm sure you'd be a great mum and would never regret deciding to keep him/her.

viques · 21/11/2016 15:18

So sorry for your loss.

I am now going to say something which you might not want to hear. you are going to be in an awkward situation if you want dad recognised on the birth certificate. I honestly do not know the legal ins and outs, whether or not you would be even be able to apply for his name on the birth certificate or not, but if you were legally able to do so it might be that you would need quite a lot of evidence to prove paternity, ie DNA evidence.Clearly , that is going to be a very sensitive subject, both for you and your partners family and I do not know how you would even start to broach the subject, but IMO it is something you need to think about.

BeckyAndTina · 21/11/2016 15:23

Sorry for your loss. What a dreadful thing to happen. Hope you are taking good care of yourself.

I think you have to make your own decision and not care what other people may say or think. People will judge and comment no matter what you decide.

I can`t imagine anyone thinking badly of you because you decided to have the baby. But if they do, then that is really their problem. And the sooner they get over it, the better.

Buxtonstill · 21/11/2016 15:29

So sorry for your loss. It was obviously something he wanted badly. Don't let his wishes be over ruled by what anybody thinks. People only run down others lives because they don't like to look at their own. You can do this, I'm sure his family will be more than happy to help out.
In the meantime, try and be kind to yourself xx

PattyPenguin · 21/11/2016 15:35

My condolences - it's a very sad situation. If you think you and your extended family will be able to cope, you carry on. And if anyone says anything, remind them that children can lose a parent at any age, from babyhood on. Your baby will be no different to others who have lost a parent.

BlackeyedSusan · 21/11/2016 15:39

and if people judge you because a child's dad has died, then they are despicable.

marriages/relationships break down regularly too. there are a lot of us single parents about. it is normal now. so not unusual for your five year old wither. and if their dad is not inthe picture then people should be judging the dad not you.

LondonRoo · 21/11/2016 15:43

I am so sorry for your loss... what a horrible shock. You are grieving - whatever you feel is absolutely fine.

It sounds like you want this baby and that baby will be loved and cared for... there is nothing unfair about that. The only unfair thing here is that you have lost your partner, your son has lost his father figure and your unborn child will not know his or her dad - that's tremendous loss and grief for all of you.

I am so sorry for your loss but at the same time can I say congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope that it is filled with lots of gentle, loving and kind support.

When you are ready to tell your partner's family, I hope (and suspect) they will be full of joy at the news. What a wonderful legacy he has left you.

Roo

Original poster

ColourfulOrangex · 21/11/2016 15:53

Thank you LondonRoo that's a lovely way to think of it

OP posts:

booandshoe · 21/11/2016 15:57

So sorry for your loss.

Please don't make any hasty decisions, and never feel that you will be judged for having 2 children by 2 different dads. Anybody with a heart will not judge you

PleaseNotTrump · 21/11/2016 16:02

So sorry OP

dowhatnow · 21/11/2016 16:06

What would your DP want you to do? Remember it is also his much wanted child you are talking about.

SoupDragon · 21/11/2016 16:10

think I might go down the route of not caring what anyone else thinks, this was a choice we made together.

Personally, I think that is the right choice. Your baby will have a loving mother and, I assume, grandparents and at least one uncle. Perhaps it will be a small ray of light in these dark times. I certainly wouldn't judge you.

So sorry for your loss

user1479743370 · 21/11/2016 16:20

I'm sorry for your loss. Please don't end your wanted pregnancy for the reasons you state, I think you will regret it. I am not against termination at all, it can be the right decision but in this case I think your words speak for themselves, 'we wanted this baby and I still do' - if you want it then go ahead - let no-one judge you.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 21/11/2016 16:20

I'm sorry for your loss. Personally I feel that if you want the baby have the baby. You sound like you would give him or her an amazing home. Anyone who looks down at you isn't worth your time or attention.

PeppaIsMyHero · 21/11/2016 16:27

I just wanted to add my support, and agreement with PPs that - far from judging you poorly - I think you sound like a wonderful person. How lucky your child is (children are?) to have a mother like you. The very best of luck with whatever decision you make. x

KateInKorea · 21/11/2016 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ColourfulOrangex · 21/11/2016 16:35

Thank you all, yes the unborn child was very very wanted and will stay wanted by myself and his/her dad, myself, my son and family members will make sure that the baby knows about his/her dad...thank you all for the nice comments I will continue with the pregnancy as it is what we both wanted and it's not the baby's fault that this has happened

OP posts:

Dervel · 21/11/2016 16:40

Sounds like the child is very much wanted, if you were my friend I'd say go for it! As I don't know you, maybe book a counselling session to unpack all the emotions going on. Just to be clear what it is that you want.

Anyone who thinks having two kids on your own can go do one. Basically it's all about what you want at this point, and rightly so!

YeOldMa · 21/11/2016 16:50

I would to try to think of the baby as a wonderful gift rather than a worry about what other people think. Your partner's parents will probably be so pleased for you and them so hopefully they will support you through this difficult time. I hope the pregnancy goes well and you are able to talk to the baby about the happy times you had with its Dad.

EreniTheFrog · 21/11/2016 16:55

OP, I am so, so sorry - what a dreadful time to be bereaved, and so young.

I would echo everyone on this thread who says that, if you want to keep the baby, do keep it.

I don't know whether you live within a particularly conservative or stigmatising community - but really, I cannot imagine in this day and age any child feeling that growing up without a father being something sufficient to justify their own non-existence. And if anyone gives you crap, you can tell them: their father died. My father was born not long after World War Two, and many of his classmates had fathers who had died fighting. They managed, and people were kind to their bereaved mothers.

furryminkymoo · 21/11/2016 17:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy and my sympathy for your loss.

If you were a friend I wouldn't think badly of you in anyway for having this baby, I would be thinking of ways to offer my help.

Mumsnet is a place to turn to for support in difficult times and you will find a whole load of us wishing you well, keep talking

GreenPetal94 · 21/11/2016 17:07

Don't make any hasty decisions, but if you want to keep the baby I can't see any reason why not to. You don't have to have a standard family to be happy.

So sorry to hear about the accident.

Original poster

ColourfulOrangex · 21/11/2016 17:24

Thank you all so much, all doubts have gone, this was our baby and will still be our baby I think I just needed a bit of reassurance, I am seeing the midwife at the beginning of December so I will mention things to her then

OP posts:

Temporaryname137 · 21/11/2016 17:28

God no. This is your decision. Not anyone else's. Think about you and your son and not anyone else. You sound like a brilliant mum.

You are very brave and I am so sorry to hear that you lost your partner.

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