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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about transferring money

69 replies

Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 22:09

Myself and DH are self employed though I have been unable to work for the best part of a year due to illness.
I recently had a back payment of just over £1000 in ESA.
He wants me to pay it into our savings account which I have no access to. I have no access to any of our business/household accounts. Only mine which I get my benefits paid into and occasionally some money from our business when needed.
We used to have a joint account years ago before we started a business and I agreed that given our need to control our finances one person should be responsible. So he has been doing this for about 8 years (been together for 24.)
I had a wee buffer of 4K which has dwindled due to caring for a family member to 1k. I no longer need to care for this family member so it has stuck at 1k for a couple of years now.
My point is, he has 16+k in savings that I have no access to as of yet. I don't need it, I'd just like to be able to access it in case of emergency.
He has agreed to give me passwords etc for all accounts if I transfer anything over 1k once Christmas is paid for. This is ok isn't it?

OP posts:
peppermac · 15/11/2016 22:11

So anything less than 1k you can't have the passwords?

It's like he doesn't trust you
.

sparechange · 15/11/2016 22:14

Are they joint accounts and you don't have the passwords?
Or are the accounts just in his name, and he is going to keep it that way but just let you 'hack' into his account from time to time?

Both sound like appalling set ups! And why does he need more cash to top up the savings all of a sudden?

228agreenend · 15/11/2016 22:14

Seems a bit onesies to me. Why don't you ring up the bank and see if you can change it into a joint account (he will need to,sign documents to,approve this). Why wait until Christmas is paid for? Can't he give you the passwords now. Alternatively, whyndon't you suggest a new joint saving s account and transfer the money to,that. We have joint accounts, but I'm the no,I ate responsible money person.

Kewcumber · 15/11/2016 22:14

Bollocks to that. You're not a child. Unless you have form for wasting money, you are an adult who should access to the family money.

MoggieMaeEverso · 15/11/2016 22:14

Based on what you've written here, no it's not okay. It takes two minutes to sit down and give you the passwords. What is his rationale for waiting?

On the other hand, if you were financially irresponsible in the past, like you gambled away thousands or ran up debt, then I can see why he'd be wary.

Vixxfacee · 15/11/2016 22:15

He sounds financially abusive and controlling.

228agreenend · 15/11/2016 22:15

One sided, not onesie.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 15/11/2016 22:15

Hang on - so you can only have access to your joint savings if you do as he says? Bugger that!

BusStopBetty · 15/11/2016 22:15

No, it's not ok. You should have equal access to family money.

goddessofsmallthings · 15/11/2016 22:16

Why do think it's OK when he could change the passwords as soon as you've transferred the required sum?

RandomMess · 15/11/2016 22:17

No you should have a joint savings account, one where you both need to sign to move money out of it...

dementedpixie · 15/11/2016 22:17

Why on earth do you not have access to the accounts and why did you stop taking an interest in the joint account?? And tell him the money is staying where it is. Why should he have access to everything and you have nothing?

AndShesGone · 15/11/2016 22:19

Yes it's totally fine

Once he's given you access to all your money you will transfer it over yourself. And not until then. And only when you've checked you're a full signatory to the accounts.

harderandharder2breathe · 15/11/2016 22:24

He's being abusive and controlling.

Why can't you have access to family money? Unless there's a massive backstory where you racked up debts and gambled and were a financial disaster.

It's ok for you both to have separate savings. But they should be the same amount or made of separate money like if you'd had a big inheritance before you met or something.

But that's not what this is. You should both be able to access family money. You can set it to require both signatures but it should definitely be joint not just his

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 22:27

The business accounts are in both names, (but I don't have access to them,) the personal savings are in his name, the account for our property we rent out is in his name and our personal current account is in his name.
I have a current account which my benefits get paid into an now I have 2k in savings.
Our savings have dwindled because I've not been working.
I told him I would like to have a safety net incase he was in an accident/we split up (he then said "Oh so I'm planning on leaving him then.")
He is a bit controlling and a twat. I don't put up with his shit and give as good as I get but this has me "not feeling right."

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 15/11/2016 22:27

Are the savings acconunt and/or business accounts in joint names?

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 22:28

And I don't have prior for being frivolous or gambling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 22:30

andshesgone yeah thanks.....that's what I was thinking

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 15/11/2016 22:30

May I suggest you use the 'report' button to ask mumsnet to transfer this thread to the Relationships board as it appears you may be a victim of financial abuse.

IrregularCommentary · 15/11/2016 22:32

You say dh. Are you actually married? You're in a very precarious position financially if not.

What reason has he given for you not having access to joint money?

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 22:32

He's planning on giving me the passwords anytime......but I'm not allowed to write them down. I have a neurological condition which effects my memory.........might have to do a sneaky one.......

OP posts:
Mistletoekids · 15/11/2016 22:33

Maybe he has spent the money and doesn't want you to know?

RubyGoat · 15/11/2016 22:33

Your account is for your benefits etc to be paid into... and the £1k is a back payment of ESA, whixh a benefit, so how is that different from if you'd built it up gradually? If your have separate finances (a valid option, DH & I do, FWIW,) it's "your" money. Your DH has "his" money. And he sounds rather controlling.

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 22:35

We are married irregular
We agreed when we started a business that he would control finances. Kind of made sense at the time as we had to tighten our belts.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 15/11/2016 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.