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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel weird about transferring money

69 replies

Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 22:09

Myself and DH are self employed though I have been unable to work for the best part of a year due to illness.
I recently had a back payment of just over £1000 in ESA.
He wants me to pay it into our savings account which I have no access to. I have no access to any of our business/household accounts. Only mine which I get my benefits paid into and occasionally some money from our business when needed.
We used to have a joint account years ago before we started a business and I agreed that given our need to control our finances one person should be responsible. So he has been doing this for about 8 years (been together for 24.)
I had a wee buffer of 4K which has dwindled due to caring for a family member to 1k. I no longer need to care for this family member so it has stuck at 1k for a couple of years now.
My point is, he has 16+k in savings that I have no access to as of yet. I don't need it, I'd just like to be able to access it in case of emergency.
He has agreed to give me passwords etc for all accounts if I transfer anything over 1k once Christmas is paid for. This is ok isn't it?

OP posts:
Manumission · 15/11/2016 22:37

It sounds like financial abuse.

I can't see any reason why splitting savings between two sole-name savings accounts wouldn't work fine, even if one buys the line that one person needs control of day to day finances (I don't actually).

But stop buying into it by referring to his sole-name accounts and assets as 'ours'.

They're in his name, are essentially his and in the immediate event of a split he could do anything he liked with the money.

Why do you want to be with a 'twat' who is 'controlling' anyway? Are you stuck because of health and money?

dementedpixie · 15/11/2016 22:38

You either need to be on the accounts or he needs to transfer money monthly to cover your outgoings (I mean more than just pocket money). Tell him to keep his grabby hands off your £1000 too

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 22:39

Yeah lego he tries to be is a bit controlling.....I honestly don't give a crap and as hard as he tries he doesn't have control. I fight my corner well

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/11/2016 22:40

Just to check - have you declared the business and accurate amounts in each account to ESA? They won't care if you can access it or not, if your name is on it, they'll count it as being yours and could investigate you for failing to declare. Are you sure you know exactly what is there to declare? I can't see him rushing to fix this if it turns out he's inadvertently made you commit fraud...

If that's all fine, I still wouldn't go ahead with this. It's time that you both had equal knowledge and access to all the money.

Manumission · 15/11/2016 22:40

Yes that's right zzzzz let's leap to accusing her of benefit fraud 🙄

ESA can be contributions based.

Parker231 · 15/11/2016 22:40

What reason does he give for you not having access to your bank accounts. This sounds like major financial abuse - what to you do when you want to go shopping, book theatre tickets, have lunch out with friends!

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 22:41

zzzzzz my benefits are not means tested

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 15/11/2016 22:41

There is a massive difference between one person being in charge of the family finances and the other person not even being allowed to see them!
It can make sense for it to be the job of just one person to pay bills etc (in case things get missed because you both think the other one is doing it, that kind of thing) - but there is no reason for you not to have the ability to check the statements at any time of your choosing.

titchy · 15/11/2016 22:42

But you're not fighting your corner well are you? He has thousands and thousand of pounds of your money and you have virtually nothing.

He's getting away with financially abusing you. Wake up!

Benedikte2 · 15/11/2016 22:42

You need to keep control of this money for emergencies. If he was in a fatal road accident etc you'd find yourself without access to ready money.
If you did split up he can move the money he has control of and deny there is any matrimonial savings. It would cost you more than it's worth to prove he was committing fraud.
Stand firm
Good luck

Manumission · 15/11/2016 22:43

and as hard as he tries he doesn't have control. I fight my corner well

Feistiness is all very well. Feistiness is great. But feistiness can sometimes, nevertheless, be futile.

And the fact is he DOES have control of most of the family money. If he was run over tomorrow and ended up in intensive care for weeks, how much could you access? Could you pay the bills?

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 15/11/2016 22:44

Don't get me wrong, if I need cash he'll transfer money to my account with little to no hassle. I just find it demeaning to have to ask for money.

OP posts:
Manumission · 15/11/2016 22:47

You won't be able to ask him at all if he's in a coma or dead or buggered off somewhere.

This is risky like not having contents insurance or smoke alarms is risky.

I don't know what your budget is like, but the £1-2k you have access to wouldn't keep this house going for more than 2 or 3 weeks MAX.

Ameliablue · 15/11/2016 22:47

Eh no, not ok. He should not be putting conditions on giving you access.

MigsSlippers · 15/11/2016 22:49

Half the savings should be in your name. There is no need for just one person to control the money, you just need a set of ground rules.

When he gives you the passwords, check them regularly. He may change them and forget to let you know...

Parker231 · 15/11/2016 22:49

If he will transfer money without any hassle, why don't you have joint access to all accounts.? You are living in a very unequal relationships. I could not live like this and thankfully it's not something that DH would ever suggest.

gillybeanz · 15/11/2016 22:49

You need to be able to access all money, this is ridiculous.
I manage all the business and personal family finances but dh has access whenever he wants.
He knows the passwords but always has to ask because he's forgotten Grin
He doesn't get involved as chooses not to/ doesn't have the time, so wouldn't do anything without asking first.
It sounds like Financial abuse OP, his behaviour isn't normal. I'd seek legal advice, it doesn't sound right, especially him asking for your ESA

MargoChanning · 15/11/2016 22:51

It feels demeaning because it is demeaning. And you say you "fight your corner" but you shouldn't have to. That's not how marriages should be. Even if he did relent and give you access to all the accounts, is it really worth staying with a man who is so controlling? You don't sound very happy.

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 15/11/2016 22:51

I think you both need access to some savings in case Bad Stuff happens. If one of you falls under a bus, it takes a while to sort things out, even if you are married. If you have enough money for even a little bit of savings, you should each have some.
Are you worried about making mistakes in paying with your neurological condition? Is that why you thought it was a good idea your husband managed everything?
My DH ears shedloads more than me but I've run the money for years. He was reckless and unthinking as a young man and I got pissed off with nagging him for his share of the rent. Now we are older and better off I still pay all the bills and dish out the spending money! I'm not abusive as whenever there is extra he gets more (as he earns very well).

JustWoman · 15/11/2016 22:53

Your joint savings are in an account of his name only which you do not have access to?

The joint income from renting a joint property also goes into another account that is only in his name?

He's now saying that he will let you have access to joint savings and the joint income that's half yours but only if you transfer the £1,000 you were underpaid in benefits?

No, I don't think that's ok. Fair enough if your savings really were joint and you had equal access and equal say in how they are used. if you needed money from the "joint" accounts do you have to ask and explain why to him? If the answer is yes, does he ask you if it's ok and tell you why when he's taking cash out of them himself?

Why can't he just let you know the passwords now? Assuming his no writing passwords down rule apply to himself, they are just in his head and he can give them to right now, he doesn't need to arrange to give you them.

Joint savings are fine, except yours isn't joint, he has it all in his personal account. I think it makes sense for him to out half of the joint rental income and half of what's in the joint savings into your account, you can access it anytime and won't need to worry about passwords as you'll only need one. (There's many brilliant apps that store multiple passwords safely)

Make sure you see statements so you know it actually is half too.

ijustwannadance · 15/11/2016 22:56

Why isn't your name on the house you rent out?
He is in control. Of everything.

ScarletForYa · 15/11/2016 22:56

You're 'not allowed' to write them down?

What kind of bullshit is that!? What does he propose to do to stop you?

Fuck that. Financial abuse. Half of everything is yours. You say the business accounts are also in your name but you don't have access? Why not? Phone the bank and get cards.

pipsqueak25 · 15/11/2016 22:58

no, no, no, you are a grown woman ? you're money your choice, this sounds very iffy on one than one level, this sounds a bit controlling tbh

ijustwannadance · 15/11/2016 23:00

Also, if there is 16k in the savings account, why should you give him another1k to hide from you?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 15/11/2016 23:00

You have your own account and savings account. No reason at all to have to transfer the money to him. I wouldn't do it. I'd also want the passwords straight away.

DH and I have separate accounts and the savings is in my name but that is purely for emergencies and big stuff, like when we needed a new boiler or when DH needed a new car. He has his money and I have mine, neither of us have access to the other's. But it works for us and he would never demand I handed money over to him that was paid to me.