To feel weird about transferring money

[Happyhippy45]

Myself and DH are self employed though I have been unable to work for the best part of a year due to illness.
I recently had a back payment of just over £1000 in ESA.
He wants me to pay it into our savings account which I have no access to. I have no access to any of our business/household accounts. Only mine which I get my benefits paid into and occasionally some money from our business when needed.
We used to have a joint account years ago before we started a business and I agreed that given our need to control our finances one person should be responsible. So he has been doing this for about 8 years (been together for 24.)
I had a wee buffer of 4K which has dwindled due to caring for a family member to 1k. I no longer need to care for this family member so it has stuck at 1k for a couple of years now.
My point is, he has 16+k in savings that I have no access to as of yet. I don't need it, I'd just like to be able to access it in case of emergency.
He has agreed to give me passwords etc for all accounts if I transfer anything over 1k once Christmas is paid for. This is ok isn't it?

If you are business partners, have you actually seen the business accounts? Is there enough cash stashed away to pay your tax bills? You could be held liable for debts incurred by the business, so you must not continue to be treated like an irresponsible child. Speak to your accountant to find out the real financial position of the business, hang onto your savings & get joint accounts asap.

You can open a savings account in your own name. He doesn't have his name on the world's only savings account.

This sounds like financial abuse.

why should u have to ask for anything

my husband work i dont and we have a joint account i can take when i want for household/gifts and he doesnt say a word

This situation is not right, not at all. One person can be "in control" of the finances whilst it is all in joint names and both still have the ability to access to view them or take money out if needed.
You only have his word for it that there is 16k in savings. Those savings are "joint" but you can't access it or even look at it, and it is in his name only, so how do you know he's not lying? In the eyes of the bank and the law, that 16k is "his" money and you have no claim to it whatsoever. The fact he's asking for the 1k of your back payment (which if it had been paid when it was supposed to would be in your current account and he wouldn't ask for any then) rings major alarm bells with me. Why is he allowed "16k" of savings in just his name and expect you to put yours in there too instead of your own savings account?
Get the passwords to all joint access accounts NOW, and insist if he has nothing to hide, that he logs in to the savings account, shows you the balance is actually there, then either get it made into a joint account, or open a joint savings account, move the majority there, and both of you keep a small personal savings account each separate to eachother.

My cousin turned out to be hiding a gambling addiction, he ran up THOUSANDS of pounds in debt in his now ex wifes name by doing things like this, and she's still suffering the consequences more than 5 years on despite having a well paying job. She lost her house, and got lumbered with paying off those debts because they were in her name she was legally liable, despite her having nothing to do with it, because he lied to her.
The fact he wants the 1k from you, would make me suspicious that the business is actually failing and you're in debt, or he's frittered away all the money in the savings account and wants to do the same with yours.

Thank you. You have given me motivation to fight for my corner.
He's OK. Just sounds worse than it is.

I think, actually it's worse and you're minimising.

On top of your ESA, you should be getting a monthly income from the rental property and an income from the business (wages or dividends).
These 3 are your 'wages'...you shouldn't have to dip into your savings to help your family member or pay for day to day stuff.

He is being abusive but i guess you can't/won't see it right now.
Your neurological condition should NOT be used to manipulate you. Who the hell tells someone with memory problems that they can't write anything down? And why should you be kept ignorant of your finances just because you're not in charge of bills?
It's classic manipulation to accuse you of something when you stand up for yourself. My reply to him would have been 'if me wanting access to my money means i want to leave you, does that mean you denying me access means you are abusive and controlling?

I would get in touch with an independent 3rd party to help you manage your finances, cpn or support groups?

Open a new account in your name only and pay any money into that account.

and if you can;t remember your passwords then set up 1password or similar. then you only have to remember one password.

And him controlling the finances because he runs the business doesn't mean him controlling them to the exclusion of you being able to access. One of you taking primary control is fine, excluding one is not fine.

And yes it is every bit as bad as it sounds. You've just got used to it - he thinks its his money and lets you have some when he agrees you need it.

Simple answer: you will put the money into 'your' (collective) savings account when it is 'your' account, ie when it is in both your names and you have the account details. Barring that, you won't. Why should you?

You claim you "fight your corner" but in a healthy relationship you shouldn't have to. You've also admitted it's "demeaning" to ask for money, you shouldn't have to.

Until you have access to these accounts (official access via the bank not just him sharing his passwords with you!) i.e. Them being in joint names you are at risk. You also have no idea if these savings really exist! He could have spent them secretly and not told you.

We were speaking about this last night for quite a bit.
Before I got my back payment I had been thinking about the possible scenario of him being incapacitated and me not being able to access our finances.
For this reason alone I think we need to make all the accounts joint accounts.
He doesn't spend money on anything really either. We don't have much, so it's not like he's depriving me of anything.
He manages all the finances now because he is better qualified. He is used to running businesses. I'm not. I used to run our household finances before we started our business.
I suppose I have just gotten used to it.
If he objects to making the accounts joint accounts I will accept the opinions here that he is financially abusive.

Good luck. Stick to your guns

If your name is on the account, go the bank or building society with ID and ask them to arrange to provide passwords to you. He doesn't need to give them or you permission.

It can be useful to have bank accounts in joint names where both have to sign to withdraw the money but it's not foolproof. My parents had an account like this and my father was still able to get the money out and hide it, although I suspect procedures are a bit more watertight these days.

Definitely keep hold of that £1K.

The issue isn't really the practical one of whether you are being deprived of anything. It's the power imbalance entailed in him being able to treat your money like joint money but his own money like his own money. Don't let him make you his lovely assistant. Demand equal status in your relationship.

If you run a business together, you are both equally liable for the debts that business runs up. It doesn't matter whether or not you have been ill, you are still liable and being ignorant of the business' financial affairs will not get you out of trouble if there is a problem . As an accountant, I'm advising you to get a grip of the finances, speak to your bank and your accountant if your DH keeps trying to hide things from you.

We used to have a joint account years ago before we started a business and I agreed that given our need to control our finances one person should be responsible

This is sensible IMO. Having the two of us involved in transferring money to joint and savings accounts and keeping track of paying things was a PITA - so we decided years ago that only I would do it. I'm the only one that moves money about, I have a file of all bills/statements, I keep track of our insurance renewals and all the rest.

BUT that doesn't mean than DH doesn't have access - he still has access to all of our accounts to view, he just doesn't touch any of them (because it would mess up my planning and i'd kill him). Sometimes he'll ask what the £350 in X savings account is for, for instance, and i'll tell him it's to cover the new car tyres we need soon or whatever.

Not having any access whatsoever to any of your joint money is crazy - your dh could still be the financial organiser with you having access as well.

My mum used to control all the money and give my Dad "pocket money" (back in the days before cash point cards!). Perfectly reasonable.

SHe didn;t treat him like a child and refuse to give him access to his own money though - he had access and she trusted him to let her know if he spent anything above his pocket money so she could keep track.

This needs sorting - hopefully it won;t be anissue once it's pointed out to him how it makes you feel and how impractical it is.

He manages all the finances now because he is better qualified

Is that what he told you?

It's not rocket science OP. You need to be aware of both the business and household finances. He's treating you like a child.

Don't allow him.

He is better qualified because he used to manage a business. I used run the household finances. I'm not incapable. It just makes sense for one of us to manage them.
He doesn't treat me like a child.
I can spend my money on what I want to, he doesn't control that.
He does like to "be in charge" so to speak but not in an an abusive or controlling manner.
I am aware of our financial situation, he doesn't hide anything from me.
I trust him to manage our finances.
I just was a bit put out and being asked for "MY" money.
He has been watching the savings dwindling over the past years because of me not being able to work. He doesn't like to go on about it because he knows I get stressed out about not being able to contribute to the finances/household over and above my ESA.

The plan now is that I am going to pay for Christmas (my suggestion as it means I can buy what I want without needing to ask him for money. My regular ESA payment wouldn't be enough.) I'm going to buy some hiking boots for myself and some stuff for my allotment. £1000 will remain in my account and whatever is left will go into soon to be joint savings.
He will also get my name put on the accounts. (I'm already on the business account and have a card for it, I just can't access it online.)
He hadn't thought about having an emergency situation and me needing to access finances if he was unable. So it was a genuine oversight and just something neither of us had thought about until I did fairly recently.
I'm sure some of you negative folks will be disappointed that me and DH discussed this issue like two adults and resolved it and I'm not leaving him for being financially abusive. Fucks sake.
Thank you for all you helpful input.