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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go home for Christmas?

58 replies

IsthisMummy · 12/11/2016 08:18

Bit of background...

I've spent every Christmas at my parents house despite being 37. I've lived in London for six years now and family are up in North East.

Last year my DP and I raced back there on Christmas Eve and had an utterly miserable time. Parents treatment of us was (to say the least) thoughtless and dismissive. It even culminated in DF and I almost physically fighting at one point.

I went NC with them for three months after and to be fair they are much improved now.

We thought DP would be working over Christmas, but he has just gotten a new job and will be off the 23rd to 27th. Mams reaction to news was "Oh, you can come home for Christmas now"

AIBU for not wanting to go? My heart sinks at the thought of the nightmare Christmas eve train journey. I just want to stay in London with DP but feel awful for even thinking it😣

OP posts:
Original poster
IsthisMummy · 12/11/2016 08:19

Off 24th to 27th I mean.

OP posts:
madmother1 · 12/11/2016 08:19

No!! Just say you want a quiet Christmas on your own!!

Crispsheets · 12/11/2016 08:20

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't even have told the DP was off.
Don't be a Xmas martyr and feel you have to do what your parents want. Stay and have fun in London

BusterGonad · 12/11/2016 08:22

Stay home with your partner and have a lovely chilled out Christmas.

Chocolatecake12 · 12/11/2016 08:22

Christmas can be such a stressful time. My parents have always said to me that whatever I want to do it's fine by them.
Could you say that you had already made plans to go to a friends and now dp is joining you?
Or that he has to be on call for his job?
Or that as you only have a few days together you just want to stay at home?

Thinkingblonde · 12/11/2016 08:23

Don't go. Not if you don't want to. I certainly wouldn't after what happened last year.

heron98 · 12/11/2016 08:25

I am 35 and have also never missed a Christmas at my mum's.

To be honest I don't really like going and would love just to have xmas with DP, but it pleases her that I go and Christmas is the time of goodwill and all that so I make the effort.

CruCru · 12/11/2016 08:25

Stay in London. Have a lovely Christmas.

Hassled · 12/11/2016 08:25

Why are you feeling awful? Is it about their feelings or you not having the same routine for Christmas? If the former - ignore. It doesn't matter and they'll be fine. I have adult DCs - they still come home but I'm very aware that one year they won't, and I'm prepared for that. Your parents will cope.

wobblywonderwoman · 12/11/2016 08:30

I am married now and still get asked/expected to go home for Christmas (2dc ) and then get the usual negativity from dh. So I stopped

At 37 (so am I ) we should be allowed our own lives

wobblywonderwoman · 12/11/2016 08:31

From dm ... Not dh

ChocolateBudgeCake · 12/11/2016 08:31

Good God no! Don't go.

Similar situation with DSis and family last year. BIL was a miserable git, they complained about the food we provided, they didn't contribute in any way to cooking, cleaning or entertainment. We even paid for them to stay in a hotel for their comfort (our house is too small!) and received no thanks for that. It was just a bit of a shit time for us so that's it, no more invites.

Plan a lovely peaceful Christmas just as you want it.

Original poster
IsthisMummy · 12/11/2016 08:39

I'm feeling awful for my parents mainly. My dad especially will be really upset. Last year I made vauge murmurs about not going home and got told it wouldn't be Christmas without me there!

ChocolateBudgeCake. That is unbelievable. They didn't even thank you for putting them up in a hotel? Wow!

I just get a bit put out at the assumption I will go to them. I've been home countless times since moving to London and they've been to visit me twice!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/11/2016 08:42

Well, your dad is reaping the consequences of being so unpleasant to you last year. It might be worth telling him straight, when he says he's upset, that actually you found last Christmas very upsetting and you don't want another one like it, so for this year you're going to have a change. Definitely do it.

ImAMoving · 12/11/2016 08:47

Stay at home or go to you DPs parents. Say to them what do they expect you to do when you have children and why should in laws miss out? Even if you want to stay at home the entire time and not go anywhere they don't know that.

Seriously knock it on the head now. Ask them if they spent every Christmas with their parents, no I do t think they did.

freethebiscuit · 12/11/2016 08:51

Easier said than done when you are a people pleaser and put yourself through the ringer to not upset others, but all the advice here seems sensible- try to take heed and have your own lively stress free Christmas in London. If your parents have this Christmas without you maybe they'll reflect more on the effort you do usually put in and make more of an effort themselves to come and visit you/make it more special when you do go back to them. Good luck!

happypoobum · 12/11/2016 08:53

I don't understand why you would feel guilty to be honest. Does every single person you know go home for Christmas?

Just tell them that you and DP need time to relax at home and won't be making the journey this year.

ConvincingLiar · 12/11/2016 08:54

You say that you've decided you want to stay home, in London with your partner. Where your parents live is not home anymore. If your parents complain you can mildly say that you did not enjoy last Christmas. Don't argue with them, it's not worth it. Tell her now so she can get over her sulk soon.

JustSpeakSense · 12/11/2016 08:56

I'd explain DP's new job very demanding, and you've decided on a quite Christmas at home.

Try to make plans to visit a week or two before or after to swap gifts and have a nice meal together.

Enjoy a lovely relaxing Christmas at home, starting your own Christmas traditions and making your own Christmas memories, it will be lovely

diddl · 12/11/2016 08:56

"Parents treatment of us was (to say the least) thoughtless and dismissive."

No, I wouldn't bother.

My dad was like this, said not to bother & when I did I wished that I hadn't.

llangennith · 12/11/2016 08:56

Have Christmas where you will be happiest. Your parents will have to learn to enjoy Christmas without you. I know you feel guilty and may well end up going there for Christmas anyway. If that's the case, book yourself into a B& B or hotel for the time you're up there so you can choose how much time you spend at your parents' home.

Stilltryingtobeme · 12/11/2016 08:59

My mum is moving away and is very close to our children. My husband finds her, difficult.... For some reason she only listens to me, even other members Of The family get short shrift. I've told her that my husband is working Christmas eve, And I don't want to spend four hours in the car with small children both ways for a few days. I'd rather wait until the new year and go up for a long weekend. Less pressure for all involved and husband is happy he's not getting a stressful Christmas. Mum doesn't mind, she gets it. I think she'd like us to visit her new home her first Christmas there but it's really more about what's best for us.

When I say mum I mean my surrogate. My real mum and I have been NC for years (abusive). I feel no guilt whatsoever!

OurBlanche · 12/11/2016 09:01

Just tell them that you and DP need time to relax at home and won't be making the journey this year Be a bit stronger than that or they will try to wiggle through the gap that they will perceive in 'need'!

"No! We are staying at home this year"

YANBU. You are entitled to make your own decision and, as is always said, "A family is for life, not just for Christmas" - so there's nothing special about a couple of days in December Smile

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 12/11/2016 09:09

I'm fairly sure that my parents would give up limbs to avoid spending Christmas with me! That's okay though, I had enough joylessness when I lived with them.

If your parents have a picture in their heads about how Christmas has to be, there is nothing you can do do change that, but you certainly don't have to go along with it.

kaitlinktm · 12/11/2016 09:14

How many Christmases have they spent away from their home as adults - especially since they married? I'll bet it's very few - if any. You aren't responsible for their happiness at Christmas or at any time. Believe me, I have been where you are - carting kids and pets across the country. When we moved closer, I thought it would be easier, but no, we were expected to visit both sets of grandparents on Christmas Day - one set was OK, but two meant the kids were tired, couldn't play with their presents, got grumpy and had to be told off - happy Christmas. I used to spend all Christmas Day driving and then on Boxing Day it was my turn to cook and entertain. I used to go back to work knackered - both of us did.

Eventually my SIL and BIL moved back from abroad and announced that they would not be moving out of their house on Christmas Day - people would be welcome to visit them but not the other way round. PIL were aghast at first and then realised that if they visited, they wouldn't be able to drink. Oddly enough I think it was that which made them realise - although the not drinking hadn't been a particular problem for me.

Sorry to meander off into reminiscing. My point is that I wish I had said what SIL and BIL had said years before - this is your opportunity. You should take it and set a precedent for future years.

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