To not go home for Christmas?

[IsthisMummy]

Bit of background...

I've spent every Christmas at my parents house despite being 37. I've lived in London for six years now and family are up in North East.

Last year my DP and I raced back there on Christmas Eve and had an utterly miserable time. Parents treatment of us was (to say the least) thoughtless and dismissive. It even culminated in DF and I almost physically fighting at one point.

I went NC with them for three months after and to be fair they are much improved now.

We thought DP would be working over Christmas, but he has just gotten a new job and will be off the 23rd to 27th. Mams reaction to news was "Oh, you can come home for Christmas now"

AIBU for not wanting to go? My heart sinks at the thought of the nightmare Christmas eve train journey. I just want to stay in London with DP but feel awful for even thinking it😣

[DinosaursRoar]

TheMadHugger - I can't remember all the details now - pretty sure it was an AIBU - the OP who refused to see that her sister's home location was different to hers. It was depressing how many MNers felt the OP was right, that no matter how long you have lived away from the town you grew up in, 'home' will always be where your family consider 'home' - you do'nt get to redefine it by doing something as simple as not living there anymore! It was the mindset that she was just 'working away', not "doesn't live here anymore". Loads of people felt the sister was being terribly selfish for wanting to get married in her new home town.

I found the whole thing bizzare, but also rather a good insight into the mindset some parents/PIL have about their right to have you "home" for key events like Christmas, weddings, christenings etc. Seems lots of people make the defination you are 'allowed' to view where you live/work as 'home' only once you've bought rather than rent and/or have DC.

[Frazzled2207]

Don't go. If they have only visited you twice suggest they come and see you after Christmas instead.

[VanellopeVonSchweetz99]

Bloody martyrs. Do NOT go. They have made their bed. Time you started creating your own traditions, staying home for Christmas is sooo lovely.

[TheMaddHugger]

DinosaursRoar
MN who was so angry her sister was having a destination wedding rather than in their home town, after a bit it emerged the sister and we DH2B lived in this overseas location, it would be getting married in the church she and her DP attended, and the OP couldn't get her head round the idea that she was getting married from "home", that her sister wasn't just working away but lived there now,

Do you remember where that post is, i'd like to read it

[DinosaursRoar]

You have a cat and dog and thought dp would be working? If you aren't feeling brave enough to tell them you don't want to go.... oh what a shame! Called the kennels/person who normally has cat and dog and we're too late - they are fully booked/going away themselves over Christmas and there's no way I could take them on the train journey. Shame, you can't come to them you will be staying at home...

(If you are certain they will decline, you could invite them to you)

Make sure you stop yourself calling their house "home" - every time you do you will be reinforcing your mums belief that your house is just the place you are staying in while "working away", not that it's your home.

(Remember a thread a few years ago by a MN who was so angry her sister was having a destination wedding rather than in their home town, after a bit it emerged the sister and we DH2B lived in this overseas location, it would be getting married in the church she and her DP attended, and the OP couldn't get her head round the idea that she was getting married from "home", that her sister wasn't just working away but lived there now, your mum needs to make the same mental shift)

[fc301]

You didn't want to go last year. These fears were borne out when you had a shit time.
You're a big girl. You WANT to spend time with 'your own little family'. Please please do. You both work hard and have other worries. You deserve a nice time together x
(You are not responsible for your parents feelings)

[IsthisMummy]

Patents? Parents even!

[IsthisMummy]

There's definitely a theme here of patents expecting their offspring to do all the running, and no compromise on their side. to everyone who has had to endure it.

It's amazing how the FOG gets you though isn't it? My parents are retired, my brother doesn't work, but I'm the one feeling guilty about not wanting to gallop around the country right on Xmas with dp and dog in tow

[EweAreHere]

Just say no.

You're a grown up. Act like one. Say no if you don't want to go.

[GenerationX2]

Gosh don't go. I stopped traveling back (I'm in the US) for Christmas years ago - no one complained good excuse to be a 8 hour plane trip. Anyway My wonderful IL embraced me changed their traditions to include mine and we have really turned Christmas into a wonderful event here. This year my DM asked us to come home and we agreed I was really looking forward to my first British Christmas in nearly 10 years. That is until I started talking about it with my family - and asking to include traditions that MY family have and that would make my DH and kids happy and I pretty much got 'NO we DON'T do that' , 'I've done it this way all my life and I'm not changing it for anyone' and it was clear they would not be doing anything for us.

I'm now dreading it and wishing I'd never agreed to make the trip.

Sorry to hijack the thread - but the venting sure feels good

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Don't go.

Christmas shouldn't be something to endure.

Or they come see you. I've started this two years ago- "Oh, we're doing Christmas here and it would mean SO SO much to us if you could be here."

They don't come.

It hurt, initially. But now we spend Christmas with our friends and neighbours and family who do come, and it's great.

I've had them gripe about it, but I repeat to them "all that matters is we're together."

Enjoy your holidays

[harderandharder2breathe]

Don't go!!!

My family is laid back about Christmas (I LOVE it but have spent it with various people and alone in the last decade) and my parents are divorced and I'm NC with my sister so it started by alternating who was where for it. Some years I go to my mums, some years my sister does , some years neither of us do. Ditto my dad.

I've spent Christmas with mum, dad, two different friends and their family, and on my own. And apart from one in a shared house I enjoyed all of them.

Do you own think with DP, enjoy four days of relaxing and visit your parents at a less fraught time of year

[popcornpaws]

Forgot to add, stay home and sort this nonsense out with your parents so it doesn't happen each Christmas.

[popcornpaws]

My DD is 20 and lives in another town for uni, since she left home i always ask what she is doing for Christmas.
I know there will come a day when she wants to make other plans and not come home, but i never want her to feel its expected that forever more she can't do what she fancies!

[newyorker74]

My MIL once told us she was cancelling Xmas because we weren't going to theirs. And Xmas was all about "family getting together". The fact that both her husband and mother were going to be with her appeared to not matter...

[mumeeee]

YABU. DD2 is now living with her boyfriend and for the first time won't be coming home for Christmas.
Yes it will be strange for me and DH.
But we are used to it with DD1 as her and my Sil alternate Christmas with his parents and us.
We will have a very quiet Christmas as only 3 of us. DD3 will be with us
Anyway what I'm trying to say that DD1 and 2 have got their own small families now and while we miss them at Christmas we are happy for them to spent time with their DH and DP.
They are all coming for the weekend before

[HearTheThunderRoar]

Stay home! Your an adult and your parents need to accept that you won't be around for every Christmas.

I use to have Christmas most years with my mum and dad back in my 30s (just a roast really and a couple of cheap pressies, pretty boring!) but that because we lived in the same town and it was convenient for all of us, also Dh often worked christmas.

When we relocated, my mum was most put out that we weren't coming for Christmas. By that point she was well over Christmas and rather miserable about the whole thing, and I had DD by that point and I couldn't be arsed to travel 200 miles just for a roast dinner and my mum's moaning.

[Ragwort]

I find it incredible that parents behave like this - we have an 'only' child but I can honestly say now that I would never, ever put any pressure on him having Christmas with DH and I.

Maybe I am lucky in that my own parents (now in their 80s) have always made it perfectly clear to my siblings and I that they never expected to host Christmas 'at home' for ever and now that they are older they do not expect their grown up children to invite them every year. My mother even confided in me that she would just love to spend Christmas quietly at home and finds 'family' events too noisy and frantic. .

We made sure when DH and I got married that we never got into a 'routine' regarding Christmas - we have had some wonderful Christmasses - but doing lots of different things.

Please, OP, stop NOW or you will never be seen as an 'adult' by your parents.

Make it clear that you have other arrangements this year, arrange to meet half way for a small Christmas get together and maybe next year invite them to YOU - you are an adult, you don't have to go back to Mum and Dad for Christmas.

[PaulDacresConscience]

The trick is to keep it breezy and no-nonsense:

I won't be back for Christmas this year but I will be up X day to X day to see you all and bring you your presents.

If you get emotional blackmail about it not being Christmas without you there:

Oh don't be daft! You'll have a lovely time as you always do. Anyway....

[IsthisMummy]

I'm not sure why I still call it home to be honest. You've all got me thinking now. I do consider London my home now. I love our little (rented) flat. We have a cat and a dog. My own little family now really😊

You've all persuaded me to put on my big girl pants and tell them I'm not going. DP and I are having a stressful time right now (ttc and fertility issues) I just want to spend Christmas with him. Walk to Greenwich for lunch, take dog to park in afternoon. Blissful. Plus it's my birthday on boxing day and there's bugger all to do back home on that day!

I'll try and get hone for a few days prior to Christmas to keep the peace. I want to see my friends anyway.

I'm sorry about your mum pipistrelle. The thought of something happening to them does cross my mind, but I don't feel I can live my life always with that in mind. It is emotional blackmail to say it's no Christmas without me. I'm expected to go home and put on a show, but my 40 year old brother ( who has aspergers I think) get's praised for managing to sit at the table until lunch is over. That's not even a joke. My mam actually made a comment to my DP last year about "how well my brother had done"

[PaulDacresConscience]

Pipistrelle - it's not really fair to project your own issues onto the OP. I'm sorry to hear about your Mum, but not everyone has the same relationship with their parents.

[Rachel0Greep]

Just re-read how you described last Christmas, and ask yourself why would you put yourself through that again? Have your Christmas where you WANT to be. Arrange a short visit either before or after Christmas, if you WANT to.
Just ask them do they remember what last Christmas was like if they keep saying 'you can come home'. It must have been quite bad, from what you say.
Personally, I wouldn't have told them what days you were free, but I guess you know now to keep such things to yourselves from here on.

[PaulDacresConscience]

The first time you do this it's hard. I had tears, emotional blackmail, flying monkeys deployed to tell me how much I was upsetting my parents and how selfish I was being for not going to them for Xmas. That was age 22. Then DP - now DH - backed me up and said that if I wanted to go back then fine, but he was working so couldn't join me.

In those days I only had the statutory bank holidays off and didn't have any other leave. Parents live a day's travel away - so most of Christmas would be spent on the road. I put my foot down and it was really hard - and I didn't really enjoy Christmas that year TBH because I felt guilty for not going. But it broke the tie and the obligation, and now at age 38 I still haven't been back there for Christmas.

You don't have to go. That's what I struggled with, and what DH pointed out to me. What feels like something you have to do is actually just a sense of obligation. It's fine to say 'fuck it' and do your own thing - you don't need their permission.

[sonjadog]

No, don´t go. You are entitled to spend Christmas in London with your DP. If you don´t want to tell the truth to them that you just don´t want to go, say that there has been a change in his work plans and he´s working Boxing Day.

Ignore the emotional manipulation "there will be no Christmas if you aren´t there". For one thing, that´s their choice and for another, it probably isn´t more than a way to manipulate you into doing what they want. My mother has tried this on me several times in different forms - when it comes to it, she isn´t sitting there looking sad like she says she is going to.

[TheMaddHugger]

Pipistrelle40
I didn't have a particularly wonderful Christmas with my DM last year. She passed away in the summer and i would give up anything to have another with her.
Soft Soft (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))).
I do understand. My Dad dies 3 yrs ago and my Mum in September this yr.

I really do understand.

It isnt really fair to the OP to post this on OP's thread. Her thread didn't ask for this
More ((((((((((hugs)))))))