To not go home for Christmas?

[IsthisMummy]

Bit of background...

I've spent every Christmas at my parents house despite being 37. I've lived in London for six years now and family are up in North East.

Last year my DP and I raced back there on Christmas Eve and had an utterly miserable time. Parents treatment of us was (to say the least) thoughtless and dismissive. It even culminated in DF and I almost physically fighting at one point.

I went NC with them for three months after and to be fair they are much improved now.

We thought DP would be working over Christmas, but he has just gotten a new job and will be off the 23rd to 27th. Mams reaction to news was "Oh, you can come home for Christmas now"

AIBU for not wanting to go? My heart sinks at the thought of the nightmare Christmas eve train journey. I just want to stay in London with DP but feel awful for even thinking it😣

[IsthisMummy]

There's definitely a theme here of patents expecting their offspring to do all the running, and no compromise on their side. to everyone who has had to endure it.

It's amazing how the FOG gets you though isn't it? My parents are retired, my brother doesn't work, but I'm the one feeling guilty about not wanting to gallop around the country right on Xmas with dp and dog in tow

[IsthisMummy]

Patents? Parents even!

[fc301]

You didn't want to go last year. These fears were borne out when you had a shit time.
You're a big girl. You WANT to spend time with 'your own little family'. Please please do. You both work hard and have other worries. You deserve a nice time together x
(You are not responsible for your parents feelings)

[DinosaursRoar]

You have a cat and dog and thought dp would be working? If you aren't feeling brave enough to tell them you don't want to go.... oh what a shame! Called the kennels/person who normally has cat and dog and we're too late - they are fully booked/going away themselves over Christmas and there's no way I could take them on the train journey. Shame, you can't come to them you will be staying at home...

(If you are certain they will decline, you could invite them to you)

Make sure you stop yourself calling their house "home" - every time you do you will be reinforcing your mums belief that your house is just the place you are staying in while "working away", not that it's your home.

(Remember a thread a few years ago by a MN who was so angry her sister was having a destination wedding rather than in their home town, after a bit it emerged the sister and we DH2B lived in this overseas location, it would be getting married in the church she and her DP attended, and the OP couldn't get her head round the idea that she was getting married from "home", that her sister wasn't just working away but lived there now, your mum needs to make the same mental shift)

[TheMaddHugger]

DinosaursRoar
MN who was so angry her sister was having a destination wedding rather than in their home town, after a bit it emerged the sister and we DH2B lived in this overseas location, it would be getting married in the church she and her DP attended, and the OP couldn't get her head round the idea that she was getting married from "home", that her sister wasn't just working away but lived there now,

Do you remember where that post is, i'd like to read it

[VanellopeVonSchweetz99]

Bloody martyrs. Do NOT go. They have made their bed. Time you started creating your own traditions, staying home for Christmas is sooo lovely.

[Frazzled2207]

Don't go. If they have only visited you twice suggest they come and see you after Christmas instead.

[DinosaursRoar]

TheMadHugger - I can't remember all the details now - pretty sure it was an AIBU - the OP who refused to see that her sister's home location was different to hers. It was depressing how many MNers felt the OP was right, that no matter how long you have lived away from the town you grew up in, 'home' will always be where your family consider 'home' - you do'nt get to redefine it by doing something as simple as not living there anymore! It was the mindset that she was just 'working away', not "doesn't live here anymore". Loads of people felt the sister was being terribly selfish for wanting to get married in her new home town.

I found the whole thing bizzare, but also rather a good insight into the mindset some parents/PIL have about their right to have you "home" for key events like Christmas, weddings, christenings etc. Seems lots of people make the defination you are 'allowed' to view where you live/work as 'home' only once you've bought rather than rent and/or have DC.