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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU of keep quiet?

76 replies

WildRoses · 03/11/2016 16:18

My step son came home from school in a disgusting mood. Started calling everyone names and generally being nasty, so I told him off, took his toy off him, he screamed in my face, then pushed me over in front of my youngest daughter. The shock of it made me cry. I haven't told dh as it causes problems and arguments. My exh was very violent towards me. I don't know what to do about this or if it was a one off. Dss is verbally aggressive all the time. He's 10. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
SeafrontDreams · 03/11/2016 16:21

Why keep quiet? Surely his behaviour is a parenting issue that you and your husband need to discuss and tackle together? How do you and your husband normally deal with rudeness or bad behaviour?

LemonBreeland · 03/11/2016 16:23

You absolutely shouldn't keep it quiet. And if it causes arguments then you need to look at your relationship.

Mynestisfullofempty · 03/11/2016 16:25

Of course you shouldn't keep quiet. What good would that do?

pipsqueak25 · 03/11/2016 16:31

you need to talk to dh about this behaviour, why does it cause arguments ? if this relationship doesn't make you happy are you scared of your husband and if so does that not suggest that something needs to be done about it ?
a big talk about dss behaviour needs to be addressed first and fore most along with your relationship with your dh. why is dss so angry ? remember your dd is also witnessing all this...

pipsqueak25 · 03/11/2016 16:32

tbh we might need a bit more back ground to this one,

RiverTam · 03/11/2016 16:34

This needs sorting, if he's 10 then that's the age of criminal responsibility and if something isn't done about his behaviour he could find himself in deep shit with the police. You yourself could call the police this minute (I'm not suggesting you should, btw, but you could easily report him for assault).

Don't you have house rules about this kind of thing?

OurBlanche · 03/11/2016 16:35

You CANNOT keep quiet.

Your DH needs to parent his DS and his DS needs to be shown how to manage his temper. Most of all you have no need to be intimidated by a 10 year old or take it upon yourself to be the one who soaks up all the 'bad stuff'

Unlearn that behaviour in yourself...

Good luck.

Original poster
WildRoses · 03/11/2016 17:14

Background is dss mum left them all when he was 3 years old. He's always been angry and aggressive towards women. Great with men.
My dd came down and told my dh. He asked dss who said he just barged past me but didn't push me.
The other kids are angry. My dh just told him dss embarrassed him which followed with a barage of insults from dss. Dh generally accuses me of overreacting and then we argue and then I'm the one in the wron, this is why I decided to leave it and keep quiet.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 03/11/2016 17:19

Then, as the MN saying goes, you have a DH problem!

What do you want to happen?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/11/2016 17:21

Jas your DSS ever had any counc

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/11/2016 17:22

Sorry, pressed too soon.

Has your DSS ever had any counselling at all?

Original poster
WildRoses · 03/11/2016 17:44

No there's been no counselling. DH and his exw would never admit there is a problem with their 3 children as a result of they're divorce. Dsc see their mum every weekend now and dss is growing closer to her and very loyal to her. Even though she walked out of their lives with very little contact for the first few yrs, so all the anger and aggressive behaviour is being directed at me for some reason. I love my husband so much. After being in an abusive marriage before, he is so loving and caring, until it comes to his dc then he defends them every single time. I want my dss to stop being to angry, rude and aggressive to me but I don't want it to affect my relationship. I've tried to talk to him just now and he denied it first, then said "so! I know you've had worse than that, just get over it and let it go."

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 03/11/2016 18:11

So I know you've had words than that just get over it and let it go Shock My first ever LTB! Op you let one abusive relationship and now you are in another, how very dare either of them treat you like that. Leave, or rather make your dh leave.

baconandeggies · 03/11/2016 18:11

He'll always put his DC first. By not taking action and minimising it he's as good as abusing you himself though. These are not the actions of a loving partner OP. No wonder your children are angry on your behalf. Please stand up for yourself - can you access counselling for you?

Nanny0gg · 03/11/2016 18:11

he is so loving and caring,

No he's not. He's putting his son first, which should be the right thing, except he isn't dealing with him or helping him, he's burying his head in the sand.

The other problem is the fact that it's happening in front of your other children. Do you have any together?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 03/11/2016 18:11

Worse not words sorry

yellowfrog · 03/11/2016 18:35

WildRoses - You don't deserve this treatment, and your kids don't deserve to grow up either thinking this is normal and/or being frightened for your safety or theirs. Any man who can throw your previous abusive relationship at you in spite is NOT a nice man, and his parenting clearly sucks. Seriously, LTB because this is not going to end well

abbsismyhero · 03/11/2016 18:38

I would leave him for that sorry

Stormwhale · 03/11/2016 18:40

He doesn't sound loving and caring op. You posts have made me sad for you actually. You shouldn't have to live like this.

missmollyhadadolly · 03/11/2016 18:40

"so! I know you've had worse than that, just get over it and let it go."

Definitely not the words of a loving and caring man. He does not value you enough to challenge DSS's behaviour to you.

JoJoSM2 · 03/11/2016 18:42

Have you tried parenting classes? Don't want to be presumptuous but if he's in a foul mood and you respond by telling him of and taking toys away, then that's just winding him up more... And there is clearly something wrong if you're not the grown up in the household and he dares to barge past or knock you over or whatever happened. Counselling would be good too.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 03/11/2016 18:48

Your DH is doing your DSS no favours at all if he keeps brushing this sort of behaviour under the carpet. Is he going to wait until he "barges past" a female teacher or loses it with a girlfriend and ends up in really serious trouble.
Your DSS needs help to deal with the damage that his parents have caused and they can't keep pretending there isn't a problem to make themselves feel better.
Do you think your DSS is trying to drive you away because he thinks his parents might get back together?

baconandeggies · 03/11/2016 18:51

Actually, he's not even putting his son first - he's putting his refusal to admit that his son has a problem first. Lalala everything's fine. Because the alternative is too hard to deal with.

You don't have to buy into it, especially now you've been assaulted by his son, and brushed off by his dad. As well as that, he's also showing complete disregard for your other dcs too.

He's not a catch OP.

baconandeggies · 03/11/2016 18:52

X-posted with Chazs!

Inertia · 03/11/2016 18:54

Your husband is not a lovely man. His comment was appalling.

And by refusing to acknowledge that there's a problem, he isn't helping his son either.