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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU of keep quiet?

76 replies

WildRoses · 03/11/2016 16:18

My step son came home from school in a disgusting mood. Started calling everyone names and generally being nasty, so I told him off, took his toy off him, he screamed in my face, then pushed me over in front of my youngest daughter. The shock of it made me cry. I haven't told dh as it causes problems and arguments. My exh was very violent towards me. I don't know what to do about this or if it was a one off. Dss is verbally aggressive all the time. He's 10. I'm devastated.

OP posts:
WildRoses · 04/11/2016 13:51

I have talked all day to dh whilst dss is at school. Dh says that he talked to dss last night and he feels really embarrassed about it. Clearly not as dss got up today with exactly the same attitude as last night towards me. Dh did tell dss before school that he was upset at how he'd treated me. Dss response was he didn't care. Dh exw won't get involved at all as she only seeshows them one night a week and refuses to spend it disciplining them. (Words straight from her). She also won't have the children to live with her as she works shifts all week and won't have them unless she books a week off work.
I am seriously considering leaving with my children as I'm so unhappy and so are they. I'm concerned at the effect this will also have on dss at another mother abandoning him. As it stands today I can't even bear to look at dss or be in the same room as him. I feel like I'm in my previous relationship all over again even this time it's worse as my dh is supporting him and I'm battling against 2 of them.

OP posts:
ItsJustNotRight · 04/11/2016 14:00

You can only tackle it as a united team. You need to know that your DH has your back every time no matter what, that's what a relationship is for, you & he together, raising children. Please don't collude with the child, you cannot let him get away with this. Does your DH behave like this with you? If so you are unlikely to make any progress. You need to stand up for yourself and refuse to tolerate it. He'll be even bigger soon and hormones will kick in too in the near future, if you don't get this sorted your life will be hell.

ItsJustNotRight · 04/11/2016 14:05

Flowers I feel for you I really do. It sounds like you need some advice from experts on strategies for getting this sorted. Can you try Parentline and talk to someone?

user1478257085 · 04/11/2016 14:24

Very unhealthy situation for you and your children.

If DH won't listen to reason, you have no choice.

This boy will only get bigger and stronger. His parents are really letting him down here.

Unfortunately, you are a lone voice in the wilderness and sounds like you've gone as far as you can with this situation. If you show your DH that you are 100% serious, he may wake up and listen to you, but you have to be prepared to walk if needs be.

WLF46 · 04/11/2016 14:31

You need to sort your stepson out. If he is abusive towards women now, what will he be like in a few years if his behaviour is not corrected? You have a ticking time bomb on your hands, how will you feel if he abuses his partner in a few years time? If you feel your husband is not supporting you, you need to contact the authorities - kick up enough fuss until they take your stepson's behaviour seriously.

Your comment that he is fine around men and bad around women clearly shows he has not forgiven his mother. This is a classic child reaction to a parent who, for whatever reason, abandons them when young, especially if they are of the opposite gender to the child. I had a housemate years ago whose father had died when she was five, as a result she had a huge chip on her shoulder towards men in general and was unable to form non-abusive relationships (with her as the abuser). As with your child, she needed help from a psychologist to sort her views out. (Incidentally, when the child is the same gender as the parent who left them, anger is more likely directed towards the individual rather than the sex as a whole.)

Needing to see a psychologist is not weak or an illustration of a failed human being. Mental illness needs appropriate treatment, just as a physical illness does.

I think that, not being biologically related, you have a much more dispassionate and realistic view of the child's actions. If you are concerned about him, there is probably a good reason. Trust your instincts, and don't rest until his behaviour is properly addressed, for the sake of his future partner(s). You don't want their blood on your hands in a few years time.

WLF46 · 04/11/2016 14:32

I should add, your first responsibility is to yourself. You need to stay safe and sane, and be prepared to take time away from the situation if you need to.

WLF46 · 04/11/2016 14:52

My first post makes me sound like a right XXXX. Sorry.

The behaviour is not your fault.

You are doing your best to address it and no doubt will continue to do your best. You need more support from your partner and I don't think he truly realises a) the extent of the child's problem behaviour, b) how the child makes you feel, and c) how your husband's response makes you feel.

Stay safe.

YouTheCat · 04/11/2016 15:05

You can't address this behaviour if your dh is minimising it at every turn.

You and your children are at risk from this boy. I'd get out. You say your dh is caring but I don't see it. He's fine to allow his son to hurt you and just not deal with it at all.

WildRoses · 04/11/2016 16:37

So the latest update everyone is that, after picking him up from school, more under breath comments and general obnoxiousness all directed at me from dss, resulting in dh forcing him to apologise. He refused. As soon as his mum turned up to take them for the night he yelled sorry upstairs and left. Again advice needed. I don't feel I should accept it as he's apologised at the point where he doesn't have to modify his behaviour towards me in any way as he was leaving and all he has done is manipulated to situation to pay lip service to his dad, so now if I don't accept the apology, he looks good because he's tried to apologise but I won't accept, leaving me the bad guy again. Then follows a weekend of arguments between me and dh. This by the way has happened on numerous occasions before, not with aggressive behaviour but just rudeness and as soon as i accept the apology dss goes back to being rude again. On a positive note he got all his spellings right this week and asked me what I was buying him as a treat???!!!!!

OP posts:
Velvian · 04/11/2016 16:48

It's not about you accepting the apology OP, if he immediately resumes the same attitude towards you then it wasn't an apology. You could say to DSS that you will be able to tell by his behaviour towards you from now on whether he realises his behaviour was wrong. It's time for you to wait for the results of refusing to tolerate this. You should not be worrying about whether your DH thinks you genuinely accept DSs apology as soon as it's out of his mouth.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 04/11/2016 17:02

An apology without a change in behaviour means nothing. A shouted apology up the stairs means even less.

Your DH is watching all this happen and not doing enough to stop it. Being embarrassed by it does nothing to help the situation.

I'm not surprised you and your children are unhappy.

RetroImp · 04/11/2016 17:09

You mentioned how your DH puts his DS first. Should you not do the same for your DC? They are suffering and are potentially at risk from an abusive step brother. Aside from the abuse you're getting. Instead of worrying about the impact of you leaving might have on him, worry about the damage to your own DC if you stay.

WildRoses · 04/11/2016 17:14

Dh used the excuse that his ds is just stubborn!!! Bullshit.

I've got a couple of days grace now to be able to think. I do know something has to change. I'm not burying my head in the sand, it's just such a big, scary step.

OP posts:
RetroImp · 04/11/2016 17:32

One positive thing is that you sound more determined to stand up for yourself. You don't deserve this abuse due to the lack of parenting by your DH and his ex. It's all very well to suggest parenting techniques for DSS to you but they are being undermined by his DD. Hope you get some peace this weekend.

Chocolatecake12 · 04/11/2016 17:42

Oh poor you. It sounds like you have put up with so much.
Could you possibly take him out for a hot choc, away from the other kids and have a Chat with him about his behaviour and how it affects you and his dad and the other children.
You need to be very clear that pushing shoving etc will not be toletated and neither will mumbling under his breath. Also tell him that you will always love him, that no matter what he does you will still love him, just not his behaviour.
I wonder if he behaves in that way towards you, the stable women in his life to see how far he can go, to see how much it will take before you leave like his mother.
It does sound as though he could use some counselling to make sense of the past - his mother left and he will have memory of that and how he feels.
And no reward for spellings if behaviour isn't good either!

baconandeggies · 04/11/2016 17:47

It's not about what DSS is doing though is it? It's about what DH isn't doing. I'd insist that DH takes DSS for counselling or some other agency for help - otherwise me and the kids would be outta there. Life's too short for violence apologists.

NoFucksImAQueen · 09/11/2016 18:10

Hope you're ok op
Been thinking about you

itsgottabeblackorwhite · 09/11/2016 18:27

What are going to do when the DSS gets bigger and more angry? the boy needs help, your husband needs telling. can your DSS go somewhere else after school until your DH gets home?

Chilver · 09/11/2016 18:43

Wow, poor you, difficult situation!

You seem to have a stepchild growing up thinking that abuse towards women is acceptable, a husband who enforces that thought by inaction and other children who by seeing that no-one in their house stands up for their mother and women are going to unfortunately come to believe that women are second glass citizens too.

Is that how you want your children brought up? I realise it's not that simple to rectify from the inside, but I would be having some serious thoughts about what YOU want and need and what your children want and need and then laying it down to your DH. He then has a choice whether to take action or whether to lose you. I would also be stating quite clearly what behaviour would be acceptable from the stepson and that you expect DH to discipline accordingly himself.

hazell42 · 10/11/2016 06:58

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I do think you and your husband need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting or your children will run rings round both of you.
Also, we do kind of insist that children are in a good mood at all times, and if they aren't we need to force them into it, which is daft, if you think about it. If I came out of work in a foul mood, I might expect someone to ask if everything was ok, or at the very least, give me a bit of space to get over myself. If someone told me off and tried to punish me for it, I might kick off too. Do try thinking about it from their point of view.
Also, as step parent it might be wise to leave discipline to his dad. He is clearly hurting. His parents divorce must make him feel that his mum has abandoned him. You don't really want to be in the middle of that, do you?

hazell42 · 10/11/2016 06:59

I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I do think you and your husband need to be on the same page when it comes to parenting or your children will run rings round both of you.
Also, we do kind of insist that children are in a good mood at all times, and if they aren't we need to force them into it, which is daft, if you think about it. If I came out of work in a foul mood, I might expect someone to ask if everything was ok, or at the very least, give me a bit of space to get over myself. If someone told me off and tried to punish me for it, I might kick off too. Do try thinking about it from their point of view.
Also, as step parent it might be wise to leave discipline to his dad. He is clearly hurting. His parents divorce must make him feel that his mum has abandoned him. You don't really want to be in the middle of that, do you?

Velvian · 10/11/2016 09:06

How are you op?

WildRoses · 10/11/2016 17:29

Velvian, thank you for asking. Things are a lot better. I sat both dss and dh down and told them both that under no circumstances would I accept abusive behaviour again in a marriage, whether it comes from a partner or child. I made it clear that if it ever happens again, I will leave. I can't go through the physical abuse again and most definitely not the emotional abuse that goes hand in hand with it. I told my dh in private that I didn't feel I had his support and that if out marriage is to work, the support must be there from his side and from my side regarding both sets of dc. He agreed and said he would shown a united front. So far this has been happening. Dss apologised and I accepted it.
Hazel, sadly I have to be involved in the discipline as I do look after all the dc on my own from time to time. I do, however leave as much of the disciplining to dh with his dc. Also a lot of the rude comments and nastiness happens out of earshot of dh which means I either just let him get away with it and ignore him or deal with it.
I do understand and know that dss feels abandoned by his mother and even more annoyingly she is still doing it!
She's meant to have them from Friday after school until Sunday night. Every weekend she either brings them back a night early or takes them to her parents for the night whilst she goes out and picks them up the next day, then brings them back home to us not bathed or having had a meal. I do feel for the kids but I still won't accept violence towards me because she isn't there for dss to take his anger out on.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 10/11/2016 18:22

Oh my good God - he told you other people have assaulted you and therefore you shouldn't mind when his son does? I would be out of there, or he would. That is outrageous, frankly.

Trifleorbust · 10/11/2016 18:23

Just realised this is an update. Glad you tackled it and hope your DH is supporting you.