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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU of keep quiet?

76 replies

WildRoses · 03/11/2016 16:18

My step son came home from school in a disgusting mood. Started calling everyone names and generally being nasty, so I told him off, took his toy off him, he screamed in my face, then pushed me over in front of my youngest daughter. The shock of it made me cry. I haven't told dh as it causes problems and arguments. My exh was very violent towards me. I don't know what to do about this or if it was a one off. Dss is verbally aggressive all the time. He's 10. I'm devastated.

OP posts:

Msqueen33 · 03/11/2016 18:54

Could he possibly feel guilty about the divorce? Regardless though you need to parent together and that means he's listening to you and you work out how to help you dss. He shouldn't be abusive physically or otherwise. Helping him and supporting him to change his behaviour is what he need his parents to do.

ImperialBlether · 03/11/2016 18:59

I think your boundaries are still skewed, OP. He's so clearly not lovely - he doesn't give you any importance or value within the family - he should be teaching his children respect and he's not. This is the start of it now with your DSS - he's learning that he can be violent and there will be no consequences.

Original poster

WildRoses · 03/11/2016 19:08

Sorry, my mistake. That is what my step son said to me. Not DH.

OP posts:

Msqueen33 · 03/11/2016 19:13

You need a chat with your dh to sort out a strategy. It's not acceptable that you're talked to like that and your dss needs to learn to be respectful and your dh needs to enforce the behaviour he wants to see. Not comment that you're over reacting. He needs to back you up and set appropriate punishments.

baconandeggies · 03/11/2016 19:13

You shouldn't be the one talking to your step son about it - your DH should. What has your DH said to YOU? What's he going to do about it? Has he made is clear that this was unacceptable and he's going to do everything he can to make sure it doesn't happen again?

What's he said to his son other than something like "you're an embarrassment"? (have I got the gist of that right?)

Original poster

WildRoses · 03/11/2016 19:23

We don't have dc together. We have 3 each, all of whom live with us. Dss said previously he thinks his parents would get back together if it wasn't for me. DH told him they wouldn't. His exw left him for someone else who didn't want to be involved with the dc. That's the reason she left them all.
Jojoba you could have a point that perhaps as dss was already in a mood I should've just left him. Hindsight.

OP posts:

missmollyhadadolly · 03/11/2016 20:05

That comment by your DSS is unacceptable OP, just as unacceptable as pushing you over.

How does he know about your abusive ex? He seems to think you're an easy target because of the abuse you suffered.

Your DH needs to urgently challenge DSS on his behaviour, or things will get worse.

QuiteLikely5 · 03/11/2016 20:11

I really don't know how you put up with this crap.

A 10 yr old pushing you over? Your partner doing sod all about it? Please stand up for yourself, don't tolerate this sort of thing.

Original poster

WildRoses · 03/11/2016 20:11

Dh has been hugging dss all evening and chatting away to him like nothing has happened!

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 03/11/2016 20:18

Guessing dh has lots of guilt involving his children, hence pants parenting.

Is dss having the same problems at school with agressivness?

Original poster

WildRoses · 03/11/2016 20:23

Dss did have problems with aggressive behaviour towards female teachers last year but he has a male one this year and his behaviour has been perfect. DH was initially really guilty over his exw departure but I thought he'd got over it by now. 7 years later.

OP posts:

MrsHam13 · 03/11/2016 20:30

If your dh won't seriously discipline him for his anger, aggression and violence towards you and you stay, then you are essentially showing all six children it's acceptable behaviour and you should just put up with it.

When will your dh stand up and discipline him, when he's eighteen and punches you right in the face. A ten year old pushing over a grown woman is absolutely not normal or acceptable.

Ohyesiam · 03/11/2016 20:37

Have you heard of Hand in Hand Patenting? Really effective for this sort of behaviour. And there's a massive emphasis on of patents/ step patents being given support. Lots of it on face book, and the web in general.

Original poster

WildRoses · 03/11/2016 20:43

Thank you Ohyesiam. I'll have a look now.
I just feel completely gutted and deflated tonight. I can't face another marriage failing.

OP posts:

missmollyhadadolly · 03/11/2016 20:50

Who did your DSS insult when your DH told him he had embarassed him?

So your DH knows your DSS pushed you over but has done nothing? Does DH know about the 'you've had worse' comment?

If DH had seriously tried to discipline DSS, and it hadn't worked, I would suggest that DSS goes to live with his mum for a while.

But your DH isn't trying, which unfortunately does mean you have a DH problem as well. DSS will only change when he receives the message loud and clear that you and his dad are a united front.

IreallyKNOWiamright · 03/11/2016 21:13

You have to teach him right and wrong. You have to speak to your dh. What might he do next. Push you down the stairs because that will not be ok!!!!!

MyWineTime · 03/11/2016 23:24

Your DSS clearly needs help. There are underlying issues here that have been ignored for so long they have now become a major problem. Punishing him will not help at all, he needs help to deal with how he feels about being abandoned by his mother.

OzzieFem · 04/11/2016 05:05

Your DSS is showing aggressive behaviour to you and female teachers at his school. He is ten years old! This kid and dad needs urgent counselling before it goes beyond control and police get involved.

Yes, you may have aggravated things when he first came home in a bad mood, but the very fact that he is aggressive to his previous female teachers, and despite having a male one this time around he is still angry at something shows he needs help badly.

Perhaps you can talk to the child's GP or to the school pastor. Other mumsnet threads have mentioned the book "The Explosive Child" to be helpful. You need a serious hard think about your marriage. If you husband remains more supportive to his son but does nothing to treat his behaviour to you than you do not have a partner in RL Your other children and especially other stepchildren seeing that this boy gets anyway with aggressive behaviour and disrespect may start copying him.

You are then in a situation with an unsupportive husband, an aggressive and abusive stepson 10 yrs old plus potentially other children starting to copy him. After being in a previous abusive relationship do you really want another? Saying you love your husband is besides the point which is does your husband love you enough to do something about his son?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/11/2016 06:45

I agree, and I would guess that the real aggression started when his DM came back into his life.

NoFucksImAQueen · 04/11/2016 06:53

"so! I know you've had worse than that, just get over it and let it go."

He's going to turn into an abusive woman beater if his parents don't pull their god damn fingers out and stop this behaviour

Cucumber5 · 04/11/2016 07:02

On the surface it looks like your DS is beginning to be abusive and yet his behaviour is backed by his dad.

I think everyone is at fault though. When your DS came in, he probably needed someone to say 'oh I can see you've had a rubbish day. What's upset you?'

Your DH needs to have clear consistent boundaries and punishments about stuff

Your DSS needs support with modelling good behaviour towards women. He has huge issues and probably needs therapy to give him a chance of a healthy female partnership in the future.

Cucumber5 · 04/11/2016 07:04

He's clearly picked up his poor attitude to women from his dad.

rollonthesummer · 04/11/2016 07:09

Your dh has just shown you what sort of man he is-I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship with a man like that.

Velvian · 04/11/2016 07:38

Can you have a serious talknow with your DH? Tell him very firmly how you expect to be treated in your own home. If he won't accept this you can tell him that ifor this continues you will be asking for outside help. Get some information on the sort of outside help available; you could have an anonymous conversation with your local council's Safeguarding team.

Velvian · 04/11/2016 07:46

Stand firm op; you do not have to put up with it or leave; your DH needs to parent; or consider his options.

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