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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's best to postpone wedding or am I being selfish

77 replies

Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 10:35

Me and stbdh have been together 10 years and engaged for 2.
We're supposed to be getting married in a couple of weeks but there was an awful bereavement on his side over the weekend.
I think the wedding is to close as people would still be very raw and (here's why I think I'm just being a selfish cow) I want the day to be happy. The family keep coming up with ideas to remember her on the day and now it's just starting to sound like it's going to be a funeral.
The actual funeral will probably take place days before the wedding as well. I just don't want the family to think I'm forcing them to be happy on the wedding day. I'd rather they had proper time to grieve than put on a show iyswim.
Dp doesn't think we should postpone it but I'm really starting to think it's for the best.
Aibu?

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 31/10/2016 10:41

I wouldn't postpone it. Sometimes a happy event like this is great after a berevemebt or similar. It could be the tonic that everyone needs, to all be together and not in a sad situation.

Especially your DH, he needs some joy in his life! Postponing his wedding isn't going to make him feel better!

However only you know what will be the best thing to do in your situation.

Whatever you decide should be a joint decision though.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 31/10/2016 10:42

Oh dear, that is difficult. I don't think YABU, it is about you and your DH and not about the relative. And the day will be changed because of the situation, it can't possibly be a happy day about you two under the circumstances.

I think if you can cancel them you should, they are all too raw at the moment. Poor you, what a horrible thing to happen.

Original poster
Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 10:45

I just don't want the family to have to force themselves to be happy. My heart is breaking for them all

OP posts:
RockyBird · 31/10/2016 10:47

Yanbu

If you do go ahead and decide to do something to remember the deceased, agree to one thing only not a whole array of things about her. I'd suggest a mention before the prayer if it's a religious service OR a mention in the speeches.

You might find your OH's family will be glad of a break from the mourning.

19lottie82 · 31/10/2016 10:48

I don't think your DHs family would want you to cancel it.

As I already said, anyone on here will just be speculating as we don't know the situation. You need to do what you and your DH think is for the best.

Is there a family member that you trust to give you an honest opinion, and not what they think you want to hear?

Original poster
Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 10:52

Thanks for the replies everyone.
I agree with having a little something to remember. Possibly in the speech.
Lottie. I don't really no. I've asked my best friends but they agree it's a personal decision for me and dp to make. I just don't know what to do for the best. It was such a sudden death that no one was expecting. A very young teenager :(

OP posts:
RockyBird · 31/10/2016 10:53

Oh no, how terribly tragic Sad

PhantomPringles · 31/10/2016 10:53

My MIL was terminally ill and in hospital when we got married (she died on our wedding day). We were going to postpone the wedding but one of the last things she said was that if we didn't marry she would be very upset, and that life goes on - a celebration of life after a tragic bereavement is all part of the rich tapestry of life. It may help those who are grieving to have something nice to look forward to, and would it really be terrible for guests to fondly say "Aunt Doris would have loved this"? It will only be like a funeral if you let it be.

Original poster
Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 10:54

Rocky bird I think you're right about the break and if it was in a few months time then I think it'd be easier but it's still so raw. The funeral may even end up in the same week which is why I think itll be to much for them x

OP posts:
PhantomPringles · 31/10/2016 10:54

Sorry, cross posted and didn't see that it was a young family member. I think it still stands.

steppemum · 31/10/2016 10:55

I woulnd't postpone. Apart from anything else, it would be really expensive and difficult to cancel at this stage.

I think a lot of the raw emotion will have an outlet at the funeral. Then your wedding day will be something else, a chance for the family to have a good day.

But, given that the bereavement is on your dh's side, I would talk to dh and if possible talk to his parents. Ask them, shall we postpone and get married in the spring? See what they say and how they respond.

Original poster
Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 10:56

I'm so sorry to hear that phantom. No of course that wouldn't be a bad thing at all. I don't want anyone to think we've forgotten her. I just don't want it glaringly obvious all day that she should be there. I think it would be to painful. Especially for dps brother X

OP posts:
NightCzar · 31/10/2016 10:56

I went to a wedding in similar circumstances for a work colleague. His mum had died very soon before the wedding. She had cancer and took a sudden turn for the worse.

Because she had been ill and the wedding had been long in the planning, they must have discussed it. The only mention was in the groom's speech, which was lovely and at some point in it, he said something like, "There's a sadness in my family and I can't not mention it. When it became clear that mum might miss today, I said I would postpone the wedding. She said, "Don't do that. You go right ahead. Because whenever you do it I'll be there." And she is".

Not a dry eye in the place but it was lovely, acknowledged her and sort of freed everyone up for an evening of dancing.

I don't know if that's helpful, OP. I think you should be guided by your DH2B.

Littleballerina · 31/10/2016 10:56

Can see your point but it may be just what everyone needs. A happy celebration.
Sorry for your loss.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 31/10/2016 10:57

I think in that situation I would postpone. An elderly relative or someone whose death is not out of the blue is very different to an unexpected death of a teenager.

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 31/10/2016 10:57

With it being a young teenager could you and your dp speak to the parents? Maybe you can figure out between you a way to honour that person without it being a big focus?

A friend of mine who lost her brother had a framed photo of him up in her wedding venue. Another friend lost her dad and at her party there was a photo of him on the bar next to a pint. There are ways to remember people without making a big deal. The joyful occasion may be what the family needs after such a shock.

crje · 31/10/2016 10:58

I would postpone

NightCzar · 31/10/2016 10:58

Sorry cross posted with about 3 OP updates. I can see a teenager might put a different perspective on it. Poor family Flowers

Original poster
Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 10:59

Thank you nightczar. We will definitely make some sort of reference to her. I lost my mum a couple of years ago and have had a picture brooch made for my bouquet and dh was going to mention her in the speech so maybe we could tie something in to remember them both x

OP posts:
GrinchyMcGrincherson · 31/10/2016 10:59

Speak to the closest family members as they are the ones who matter right now.

NapQueen · 31/10/2016 11:00

I think it depends on how close a relative.

Dh's sister or neice I'd be tempted to postpone. However that's because having seen my own MIL grieve the loss of dh's sister at a young age it would have been too much for her to even contemplate being at the wedding.

A cousin of his or a cousins child I'd go ahead but mark her passing with a comment or a toast and maybe have a candle lit for her.

Original poster
Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 11:01

I will speak to the dad. Dps brother. It's just finding the words. He's still in terrible shock and I don't want to come across as cold and selfish thinking about my wedding when he's going through this X

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 31/10/2016 11:01

A close friend of mine's aunt died totally unexpectedly a week or two before her wedding. They went ahead with the wedding and at the beginning there was a little speech saying they wished she could have been there but they knew she would be so happy for the couple getting married. That side of the family still enjoyed the wedding (they were up on the dancefloor a lot) although it was quite bittersweet at times.

There's no right or wrong decision. Personally I'd go ahead and have a little tribute at some point since the funeral will have happened already. If that hadn't taken place I'd definitely have waited until afterwards.

MorrisZapp · 31/10/2016 11:01

I would postpone. How can the parents of a child who has died suddenly possibly feel anything other than wretched at a wedding she should have been at.

Wry smiles and a wee tear don't cover this fresh, awful loss.

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 31/10/2016 11:02

His mum had died very soon before the wedding. She had cancer and took a sudden turn for the worse.

This happened to a family member of mine. The service went ahead and was beautiful. Those of us who knew her could see the touches she had a hand in. She was mentioned in the speech in a similar way and we all raised a glass to relatives who couldn't be there. The family were very grateful for a happy occasion at that time.