Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's best to postpone wedding or am I being selfish

77 replies

Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 10:35

Me and stbdh have been together 10 years and engaged for 2.
We're supposed to be getting married in a couple of weeks but there was an awful bereavement on his side over the weekend.
I think the wedding is to close as people would still be very raw and (here's why I think I'm just being a selfish cow) I want the day to be happy. The family keep coming up with ideas to remember her on the day and now it's just starting to sound like it's going to be a funeral.
The actual funeral will probably take place days before the wedding as well. I just don't want the family to think I'm forcing them to be happy on the wedding day. I'd rather they had proper time to grieve than put on a show iyswim.
Dp doesn't think we should postpone it but I'm really starting to think it's for the best.
Aibu?

OP posts:
MrsMook · 31/10/2016 12:53

There isn't a right or wrong answer.
What would be the logistics of postponement? Are there many guests who have committed to transport and accommodation costs etc etc. Some weddings are more viable to delay than others (e.g. smaller, local, single venue, well insured). I'm sorry if that sounds crude, but it could be a significant additional stress to you and the family.

If the logistics are fairly straightforward, then I would be more inclined to postpone so that there is less shock and numbness. Also it removes the two anniversaries overshaddowing eachother in future years.

My sincere condolences xxx

GiddyOnZackHunt · 31/10/2016 13:08

Yes I think these circumstances merit a postponement. There's no way bil can plaster on a happy face and be distracted by a family celebration. It's too much to ask from everyone on your stbh's side.
Flowers

Allthewaves · 31/10/2016 13:15

In your situation I'd want to postpone. Selfishly I wouldn't want everyone being grief stricken on my wedding day and having to put on brave face. Imo the death will eclipse the wedding being so close together

MrEBear · 31/10/2016 13:16

I think you have to take a lead from the childs parents?
You are stuck if you cancel and they don't see the need then its insensitive, if you don't cancel without talking its selfish.
After a sudden shock bereavement in my family the closest bereaved wanted life to carry on. I cancelled a night out as I didn't feel like it / it didn't feel appropriate but I was ordered to go days after the death.

Is there other kids involved, brothers, sisters. Children do grieve differently from adults they tend to have short very intense spells of grief but over a period of time. They might benefit from the wedding going ahead.

I think I would tell them you are going to postpone and see what they say, they might be really against the idea of postponing.

crayfish · 31/10/2016 13:18

Gosh how awful, I'm so sorry for your loss.

There is a big difference between a child and, say, an elderly grandparent. In this case I would definitely postpone. I find it a bit odd that your DP doesn't want to to be honest, I know I couldn't go ahead if my neice had just died. I think it's too much to expect the family so paint on a happy face after such a tragic incident so close to the wedding, the best thing would be to wait. They will never get over it but right now the pain and confusion will be incredibly raw.

RubbishMantra · 31/10/2016 13:50

What an awful decision to have to make OP.

Slightly different situation, but DH committed suicide 2 days after his/our niece was born. Her birthday will always be entwined with DH's death.

I would postpone, I think. I hope I'm not being naive in thinking (hoping) that venue, hotel bookings etc. will be empathic to your situation. My heart goes out to all of you.

Original poster
Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 14:21

I'm so sorry to hear some your stories and I appreciate you sharing them and offering advice. Dp has spoken to his parents and they won't hear of us postponing. But I think they're saying that for our benefit and because of the shock don't actually realise how hard the day will be X

OP posts:
Andylion · 31/10/2016 15:06

Also, by postponing you run the risk of some family thinking you're making the tragedy about you and your wedding day...

Isn't there also the risk that, if they go ahead with the wedding, people might think they're being insensitive?

If there is a possibility that the wedding and funeral are in the same week, I would think that some family members just wouldn't be up tp attending the wedding so soon after.

I don't think there is any right choice here, OP.

Andylion · 31/10/2016 15:08

I should have RTWT. OP, if your DP has consulted his parents, I think you have done all you can do.

RubbishMantra · 31/10/2016 15:25

You're right, Notso. They'll still be in shock. And they won't want to "put you out".

Could someone whom BIL is particularly close to very gently enquire about how future BIL would feel about attending a wedding (not asking BIL for a decision on whether your wedding takes place, just enquiring how he feels about attending), which will in all likelihood take place in the same week as his daughter's funeral. Somebody empathic and tactful enough so he doesn't blame himself if you postpone your wedding because of their deep sorrow? And if you do postpone, ensure he knows it was your decision.

That way, you're not passing the decision onto future BIL, yet could find out how he feels about attending your wedding.

Death is awful, cruel, especially with one so young, do you want your wedding and future anniversaries to remind you of such a sad loss?

I wish I had the right words to make it all better for you all. I really do.

Original poster
Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 17:09

Mil has said under no circumstances are we to postpone the wedding. She thinks it'll be good to have something to celebrate even if it is so close and that the family need it. They are my main concern but if that's what they want then I'm happy to carry on with it X

OP posts:
stayathomegardener · 31/10/2016 19:29

I think unfortunately even if you postpone your wedding will always be linked to the untimely death so I would go ahead if the families think it for the best.
My DH's brother (father of three under 8) was diagnosed with terminal cancer a week before we married, didn't make the wedding and died the day afterwards.
We did check with family before we went ahead and the DB was referred to by the vicar and again during an impromptu speech.
I don't look back 21 years and just remember the sad parts a wedding is just a day, I look at DH sat opposite me now as I type and am happy today which I guess is more important.
So sorry for your loss and that your wedding day will not be as you planned.

mintthins · 31/10/2016 19:36

One of the loveliest weddings I've been to was held less than a week after the bride's mother died. Although a child's death is obviously different, the bride very much wanted something positive and lovely to focus on. There were of of course moments of sadness, and the death was both known by everyone, and acknowledged in the speeches, but the over whelming feeling was one of love.

Best wishes to all of you.

Joinourclub · 31/10/2016 19:42

I'd postpone. A child's death is terrible and there is no way that those that loved her will listen to a touching speech, wipe away a tear and then get up to boogey. Most parents would probably be sat at home in their pyjamas, quietly (or loudly) grieving, days after the funeral of their child, not attending a wedding. If you do go ahead with the wedding then I'd let the parents know that you'd understand if they didn't want to be there.

BackforGood · 31/10/2016 19:48

I think that if it is a sudden and unexpected death of a young person, then it is perfectly possible they won't have even had the funeral if your wedding is in just 2 weeks time. Unfortunately it can take time to investigate the death. I don't know if that affects your decision?

EveOnline2016 · 31/10/2016 19:52

I think let your dp take the lead, he knows his family better than anyone.

Bumplovin · 31/10/2016 22:38

I actually think it would be worth speaking to dh's parents and as for the brother I presume your husband knows him well enough to know whether he should ask him. Sometimes in a tradegy people cling to something positive it will obviously be very raw for the side of the family affected but if dh's parents support you it would be them Id be guided by. Postponing the wedding won't bring her back but on the other hand may give people time, it's a very tricky one I am sorry for your loss xx

Bumplovin · 31/10/2016 22:42

Sorry just read what you said about MIL. Id go along with her wishes and just ask the vicar to say some prayers for her in the church or the two of you could light a candle for her after the vows?

SavageBeauty73 · 31/10/2016 22:55

How awful. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I can't imagine your BIL and SIL will be able to attend your wedding. I would definitely postpone.

YouCanShoveYourOtherGranny · 01/11/2016 00:27

I am so very sorry you are all going through this. There is no easy answer. I will just tell my sad tale.

Best friend/cousin's only son's wedding scheduled for mid September. She was battling cancer but determined to be there. Horrible deterioration, and we lost her middle of August. Such a shock. The funeral was held on the day the bridal shower was scheduled.

Son had a church wedding one week and big destination wedding the next week and I have to say both were really, really difficult for everyone who attended. So much crying. So much sadness, and so many moments when the loss was so very obvious and so very terrible. The groom broke down so many times, as did all of us - family and friends. Yes, there was tremendous happiness, but the sadness was overwhelming. I know secretly most of us said we wished it had been postponed, but we know we surrounded that lovely groom and his bride with as much love as we could.

I wish you the best whatever decision is made. Remember, the wedding is the first day of the marriage - that's what really matters in the long run.

Bogeyface · 01/11/2016 00:33

I was going to say dont, my grandma passed away and my wedding was between her passing and her funeral and we still managed to have a happy day. But a young teenager is a different thing altogether.

I would postpone.

Yuckky · 01/11/2016 00:44

I'd postpone it if possible. Even a week or two delay would make a huge difference. The family will still be in shock and will be exhausted both physically and mentally.

If you do have it then check with the girls parents if they mind how their DD is remembered. They may or may not want her mentioned in the speeches etc. You just don't know.

I don't think it will be possible to get an 'honest' answer from the family about whether you should postpone the wedding. I think they might be saying that you should go. ahead but not really thinking it.

If you can postpone it for a week or so I would just present it to them as a done deal.

I'm so sorry for you and your new families loss. Thanks

Vandree · 01/11/2016 09:30

I don't think you can go ahead even with your MIL saying to to be honest. The loss of a child is unbearably tragic. They aren't thinking straight and they cant be expected to be rational right now. I couldn't go ahead with a wedding if my niece had just died and the funeral would be the same week. I would either go ahead with the wedding on a smaller scale and a party down the road in the new year with all the families or postpone the whole thing. I feel for you because I know how special weddings are but it would be a very difficult day.

Not the same at all, but my nana died on christmas eve. My dad kept things going for us kids while my mam was with her sisters. We did 9pm mass where the four of us sobbed our hearts out and he tried to keep gift giving and xmas day the same. But honestly i wished we had postponed the day and had our xmas day when things weren't so raw and my mother wasn't in the right frame of mind for it at all. I remember giving her gold earrings I had saved for months for but she never wore them because they were tainted with the memory of the day.

You might have to take the decision out of their hands and tell them its for your sake not theirs

AmpleRaspberries · 01/11/2016 09:47

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

I'm afraid I would postpone. Mil will be thinking of both her sons and will be doing the typical thing of not wanting anyone to put themselves out.

Is bil with Sil? If I had lost a child and my ils went ahead with a wedding I'm not sure I would cope with that. I think sometimes how you feel about what your immediate family do is different to how you feel about extended family or in laws.

Im so sorry for you all that you are in this position, but I think if you postpone it you may all feel it was the best thing in hindsight.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 01/11/2016 09:55

In this case I'd really postpone. Doesnypur Dh realise his DB amd SIL wonmt be likely to attend anyway?