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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's best to postpone wedding or am I being selfish

77 replies

Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 10:35

Me and stbdh have been together 10 years and engaged for 2.
We're supposed to be getting married in a couple of weeks but there was an awful bereavement on his side over the weekend.
I think the wedding is to close as people would still be very raw and (here's why I think I'm just being a selfish cow) I want the day to be happy. The family keep coming up with ideas to remember her on the day and now it's just starting to sound like it's going to be a funeral.
The actual funeral will probably take place days before the wedding as well. I just don't want the family to think I'm forcing them to be happy on the wedding day. I'd rather they had proper time to grieve than put on a show iyswim.
Dp doesn't think we should postpone it but I'm really starting to think it's for the best.
Aibu?

OP posts:
carefreeeee · 31/10/2016 11:02

For a young teenager I think I'd postpone, if it can be done without upsetting people (and obviously your dp needs to agree).

For an elderly relative it's a bit different - very sad but not so utterly tragic.

Funerals often seem to take 2-3 weeks to arrange so it might end up being very close together.

If you leave the wedding for 6 months or so it might be easier for everyone in the long run. You can still remember the person at the wedding then. If you do it now it may end up being a sad day with people crying all over the place rather than being happy.

ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 31/10/2016 11:05

How easy would it be to postphone? Have you got guests travelling from afar? Will you lose deposits? I know it's crass to mention money, but if you can postphone then perhaps you can say something like the following to DBIL, 'I know this is the last thing on your mind right now but we're considering postphoning the wedding as the loss is so raw for everyone, but obviously more so for you and DSIL. We'll do whatever makes you both most comfortable'

GinIsIn · 31/10/2016 11:12

I am so sorry for your loss. I have actually been in pretty much this position - we suffered a family bereavement 4 weeks before our wedding and went ahead as it was the deceased's wish that we did. I found it so hard, and really wish I had given us all time to grieve instead.

galaxygirl45 · 31/10/2016 11:16

I would honestly postpone - what an awful thing for you all to be going through. If the funeral is going to be days before, it's an awfully quick change of gear and no matter how hard you try, it's going to just be a revival of the funeral / wake if the same guests are there. And they are all still going to be in terrible shock. I really doubt that your OH is going to fully enjoy it. I've been at a wedding where someone had passed away recently, and the mood was really sombre because they were mentioned repeatedly (prayers in church; then large photos in church, entry to reception, top table and cake table!!!) and the speeches were all about them, not the couple. I'd say everyone needs time to grieve and then something in the near future to look forward to. I'm so sorry for you all, this must be awful to cope with when you should all be so excited and looking forward to this.

FelicityGubbins · 31/10/2016 11:20

If it were me I would postpone, everyone will be still in shock and its not how a wedding day should be.

TheUterati · 31/10/2016 11:20

I'm not so sure that talking to DBIL is a good idea. The parents of the deceased child shouldn't have to be in the position of giving any thought to your wedding right now, and I don;t think it is fair to put the burden of the decision whether to cancel or not on them. If you decide to go ahead, telling them that it's OK if on the day they decide they can't face coming, is one thing. That shows consideration of their feelings, and that you understand if it is all too much for them. But I don't think you can put this decision on them.

If you can postpone, to be honest, in these circumstances, I think I would. An older person, where the death whilst still shocking may not have been unexpected, is one thing. A young teenager is another. Can you speak to the venue, etc? Do you have wedding insurance (no idea if it covers this sort of thing)?

TheNaze73 · 31/10/2016 11:21

YANBU, I'd cancel

steppemum · 31/10/2016 11:22

Having just seen your updates, I am changing my mind.
Young teen, dh neice, unexpected death.
postpone.
If I was those parents and grandparents there is no way I would be abel to be at a family wedding 3 weeks after. Far too new and raw and shocked.

Really sorry you are going through this.

ChuckGravestones · 31/10/2016 11:23

I don't think I could go ahead with a wedding if I had lost my niece to be honest. Flowers to you all.

NothingIsOK · 31/10/2016 11:25

I would lean towards postponing here. Traumatic loss of a young teenager is devastating for a family, like a great big psychological bomb going off. They don't need to be trying pull themselves together to face a wedding in the same week as the funeral. Really. For starters they will be absolutely exhausted and battered physically, never mind emotionally.

Is there someone on the near periphery of the loss that you could run this by? If you do postpone, make sure you are clear that it's done as a consideration for them, not so that's you can have your full moment of glory untainted by death.

If you do go ahead, I would make sure that people know that it's ok for them to choose no to attend without having to worry about offending you, even at the last minute.

We missed a family wedding after a traumatic bereavement, and no one gave us a hard time about it, for which I am very grateful. The timing wasn't nearly so close, but we still couldn't face it. My mum, on the other hand, went t the wedding and did a proper hijack to make it about her and her loss as much as she could. Not nice behaviour to have going on at a wedding, and very difficult to deal with tactfully.

ElspethFlashman · 31/10/2016 11:26

Postpone.

It's one thing for an older person who died of cancer - it's another for a kid dying unexpectedly.

No one could even concentrate. And the funeral a few days before? I don't think I could do it.

Original poster
Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 11:28

You've all made such good points. I agree that it's a massive gear change from the funeral to the wedding. And yes it'll be all the same people just my side would be there at the wedding.
Dp really doesn't think we should postpone but I don't think he's seeing it as I am. And I feel it'd be to insensitive to speak to his parents about it though they have mentioned it. Thank you for you messages of condolence aswell X

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 31/10/2016 11:28

its up to you at the end of the day if u can afford to postpone mayb e u can organise a different date at same venue

i know money isnt important but will be if your losing thousands

my dad lost my dgd 2 weeks before his wedding he said he had to carry on as that what he wold have wanted even his dm said to go ahead but i guess this is different

RumbleMum · 31/10/2016 11:32

I'm so sorry OP - how dreadful Flowers

I'd postpone too, and I think you're right in your instinct not to discuss with DP's brother.

YellowCrocus · 31/10/2016 11:32

I'm sorry for your loss. I would cancel for several reasons.

  1. I imagine that it would feel like a burden to your OH family in their time of grief.

  2. You and your OH should be able to enjoy your wedding without a huge shadow hanging over it.

  3. I can envisage under the circunstances it would be very sombre and this will have a profound effect on your big day.

I agree with the posters above who have said not to burden your in-laws with the decision. Best wishes whatever you decide.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 31/10/2016 11:33

What a terrible thing to have happened.

I think it's a bit off that your DF thinks you should go ahead actually. As others have said, an elderly or very sick person, yes. A child dying suddenly, no. Not that you shoukd ask him but how does he think his brother will feel about that? If something happened to one of my children and my SIL went ahead with her wedding in the same week as the funeral, I'm not sure I'd think too fondly of them tbh. Same if one of my siblings went ahead with a wedding after the loss of their niece or nephew. I certainly wouldn't want to think of my close family all having fun and celebrations a wedding after such a tragic loss.

SpookyPotato · 31/10/2016 11:38

God this is awful, I'm so sorry about your niece Sad In this situation I would postpone, it's totally different when its an older relative. On the day people would be able to find some happy moments and enjoy the short break from grieving, and talk about the person in a "so and so would have loved it" fond way. Losing my dad was really awful but in the days after I still managed to laugh and smile at memories etc.
Losing a child is totally different.. raw, unable to function, don't know what day it is. There are no happy moments to be found.

GreyHare · 31/10/2016 11:44

I too would postpone, but please don't ask you DBIL about it as not fair to burden him with your worries at this time.

ByAllMeansMoveAtAGlacialPace · 31/10/2016 11:46

Yes on second thoughts, don't ask you DBIL - that was thoughtless of me to suggest, aplogies. I'd postphone but also would feel guilty if other guests had booked hotels/trains/planes etc. I'm sure a lot of the vendors would be ok to move the date, but the venue may not be so easy to change. God, what a terrible situation for all involved.

Original poster
Notsowifeymaterial · 31/10/2016 11:54

Dp is adamant we shouldn't postpone. He said he's going to visit his parents and brother later and mention it. I've told him not to say anything to his db but maybe speak to his parents in private about it

OP posts:
mammybops · 31/10/2016 11:56

Notsowifeymaterial I'm terribly sorry for your loss.

Speaking as someone who lost a very close relative in sudden and tragic circumstances when he was just 19 I'd lean towards not postponing.

A few months even a year isn't going to make much of a difference if our experience is anything to go by and as soon as the alcohol flows or someone mention their name tears will start again.

Also, by postponing you run the risk of some family thinking you're making the tragedy about you and your wedding day (I'm not suggesting this but I had this levelled at me for cancelling my 21st birthday celebrations which were due to take place a week later when it couldn't have been further from the truth).

Definitely acknowledge the loved one's passing but I'd refrain from a memorial aspect to the wedding except maybe a prayer if a religious service to those who are loved but no longer present.

Hope you manage to find a way to still have a happy wedding day Flowers

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 31/10/2016 12:16

I'd be guided by your DH's family. Ask your PIL for advice so you don't need to burden BIL.

lalalalyra · 31/10/2016 12:24

I think you need to be guided by your DP's family on this one. Yes it your wedding, but they may not want the added sadness of a postponed weddng.

Also your DP's niece being missing from the wedding is something that will still be raw for her parents in 6 months or next year because they'll likely have been talking about your wedding, have bought an outfit etc so postponing might not help in that respect.

If your DP and his parents think the wedding should go ahead then I think it should. They know their family best. Just be understanding that on the day there might be a few tears (as there very well might be for your own Mum) and that the parents of DN may sneak off early if the dancing etc gets too much for them in the evening.

Vandree · 31/10/2016 12:25

Im so sorry for your loss. A close friend of mine lost her young teen child a while ago and I while they weren't a relation I found myself wrung out for a long time after. It was a desperately sad situation and so tragic. I saw how much they struggled to keep things going for the others in the family especially xmas and birthdays. They wouldn't have been able to contemplate anything other than their other childs need and definitely not a wedding. Personally if I could postpone until the new year without losing out too much money wise I would. Most people will have no problem changing a booking because of the situation. Im not sure if your dh to be is thinking clearly and he should definitely not be speaking to his brother about the wedding as he may feel under pressure to go and be jollied along for the day for the sake of your wedding. If postponing is not an option you could speak to your pil's and say to them the wedding is going to go ahead but on a quieter scale and they and your BIL are welcome to the ceremony and you have no expectations for them to attend the day. Even in saying that though im not sure how it would work and your dh will miss out on his family being there. If you can postpone. I know life goes on but with such a tragic loss I think its different.

Thally · 31/10/2016 12:38

What a tragedy. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think you have to cancel. The death of an elderly relative or an adult who was ill is in no way like this. The death of a child (esp a DN) in the family is an event which will forever change those close to them.

You should try very hard to persuade your DH that if at all possible you should postpone. His side of the family will not be able to celebrate even if some of them attend. Many will feel torn about attending at all especially as it's so close to the funeral. None of them would likely stay for the evening. And the whole day will likely be dominated by the child who should have been a guest. I'm so sorry.