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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about DH and joint finances

66 replies

ScrumpyBetty · 26/10/2016 18:21

I am prepared to be told that I am being unreasonable, I can take it if I am
So here goes: I work 3 days a week and DH works FT and earns more than me. We each contribute to joint account every month, DH puts in £100 extra than me but he normally pays for nursery fees out of a voucher scheme, and he pays these himself.

Our joint account has got quite low lately, we'very had a fair few expenses.
My own savings have also gotten low....we have a dog, and it was agreed when we got dog that she would mine and that I would be primary care taker for dog and pay majority of costs. Fine, this is what I do, and I've had to foot a £180 vet bill this month. That was fine, I paid for it.
My car has just needed to be serviced and as I had not much money in my own account DH has said I should pay for it out of joint account. This has cleared our joint account right out and I feel a bit cross about this. I guess I feel that DH should have paid for it, not only does he earn more than me but I know he has a significant amount of savings. I have no savings, everything I earn goes on joint account, dog and things like car.

So am I being spoiled and un reasonable? I thought marriage would mean more of a partnership of finances, am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 26/10/2016 18:27

Do all of the monthly bills/food shopping come out of the joint account? If so he should be putting more in.
Why aren't all wages paid straight into it?

Original poster
ScrumpyBetty · 26/10/2016 18:32

Yes all monthly food and expenses such as bills come out of joint account

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/10/2016 18:33

Why on earth is he only contributing £100 more than you a month? That's ridiculous. No wonder he has savings.

Our finances are separate and always have ever been. DH works, I don't, I get benefits. We work it out so we are left with the exact same amount of spending money and bills are split unevenly so obviously he pays a lot more towards bills than I do. We can do whatever we want with our spending money, I tend to try and save some, I'm pretty sure DH doesn't have any savings at all, that's always down to me.

Doje · 26/10/2016 18:35

I never understand couples, especially those with children, who don't just share everything. Have you suggested one bank account, all wages (yours and his) going in, and all family stuff comes out? Any big expenditures to be discussed?

BigginsforPope · 26/10/2016 18:36

I'm not sure what the answer is to this one because you say that Dh pays the nursery fees from his account. I don't know how fair things are between you both. I would suggest you either pay both wages in the joint account and then pay some into savings for both of you and some into spends (after calculating how much your monthly outgoings are. Or you both pay in proportional amounts depending on your earnings.

Bruce02 · 26/10/2016 18:36

He isn't contributing only £100 more though. Because he is paying get all the nursery fees. Or have I missed understood?

Original poster
ScrumpyBetty · 26/10/2016 18:36

Thanks HarryPotter, I have felt cross about him only contributing £100 a month more than me in to joint. Roughly half of what I earn goes in to the joint account, I don't know how much DHL earns exactly but I would imagine he contributes a third of what he earns. But he does pay for nursery fees

OP posts:
BackforGood · 26/10/2016 18:37

We too, put all our money in to one account - pay out all bills, savings, etc., and each have the same amount of "pocket money" for doing what we like with.
This has worked when I was the only one earning, when I earned more than him, and when he has earned more than me. Presumably if you work PT, then you do more contributing around the house? I don't understand this "I earn more so I keep more" thinking, when you are a partnership.

ijustwannadance · 26/10/2016 18:38

Savings are great but not if it's it causes a parntet to struggle. He is being incredibly selfish.

Our work situation is the same as yours. At one time I earned/had more. Now the roles have reversed. As his earnings increased, he just absorbed more of the bills.

Pimmmms · 26/10/2016 18:38

You should have a equal amount of money left over, otherwise its not a partnership!

NoBetterName · 26/10/2016 18:39

We each put in all our earnings into the joint account each month. The amount required for bills, mortgage, food, cars etc is calculated and that amount plus a bit extra is left in the joint account. Equal amounts are then transferred into both dh and my personal accounts for spending money each month.

Works for us and there is no need for discussion on what we each buy with most from our own accounts but we do have is equal each month.

TowerRavenSeven · 26/10/2016 18:40

Yanbu and I might get flamed here but all our money is our money. When I inherited 250K we both inherited it. When dh brings home a good paycheque it is both our money. When I bring home my pittance of a cheque it is both our money. I can't imagine living any other way and if my dh had brought up completely separate banking I doubt I'd have married him. I know many people that have gotten divorced over this and frankly it's a carry over from living together that they never changed.

PNGirl · 26/10/2016 18:40

Sod the joint account question - how can you not know what your own husband earns and therefore your household income?!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 26/10/2016 18:40

Why on earth is he only contributing £100 more than you a month?

Depends how much the nursery fees are that he pays solely for.

OnionKnight · 26/10/2016 18:42

How much are the nursery fees?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/10/2016 18:42

I would have thought that paying for unexpectedly large bills is what savings is for?

redskytonight · 26/10/2016 18:43

You need to agree

  • what counts as a joint expense. things like rent/mortgage/council tax/food are probably non-contentious, but who pays for holidays/meals out/phones/car repairs?
  • The usual MN answer to this is that both adults have equal "fun" money after essential (and joint)expenses are paid. so how much does DH actually have left? 3 days a week of nursery won't be cheap!

If you agreed when you got the dog that you would pay dog related bills, then I'm afraid this may well mean that all your spare money goes on the dog.

Bruce02 · 26/10/2016 18:46

Dies he contribute a third of his wages plus all the nursery fees?

To be honest it really depends. Do you not have much savings because you spend a lot and doesn't he have savings because he is better at saving?

I assume you pay for the dog because he didn't want it.

The devil is in the detail. I earn more than dh and we both have the same amount of own money after bills have been paid. It works for us.

If I was saving my 'own' money and dh was pissing his away, I wouldn't be happy with paying for his car.

But I wouldn't be OK with him having considerably less 'oen' money than me either.

I do make sure things are equal and it's not been an issue.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 26/10/2016 18:47

How much are the nursery fees? Surely quite a lot?

However, you feel hard done by so you need to unpick the figures and make sure you are both contributing fairly in accordance with your respective incomes. And maybe you need to build up more of a surplus in the joint account to cover things like car bills. We have always paid a more into ours than we need to do so we have a few £££ for things like servicing the car or getting new tyres.

OneEpisode · 26/10/2016 18:47

It's possible that this is fair. If dw (op) is providing two days child care (by working part time), and DH is providing threee days (nursery vouchers). Assuming weekends and housework is fairly split?
And op has less cash to spare as she has chosen a pet that DH only agreed to if dw paid for it?

mellysam · 26/10/2016 18:48

We do the same as BackforGood - all money into joint then give ourselves same amount of "pocket money". I buy clothes, he buys computer stuff.
We did a budget to work out how much pocket money we could afford to have after bills etc.
I find it bizarre that you don't know how much your DH earns - if it was me I would sit down together and work out a joint budget (expenditure for cars, pets & children in our house come from joint account as that's "family" spending)

ijustwannadance · 26/10/2016 18:52

If he's getting the tax relief vouchers though the nursery fees will be better.

Even after they're paid he still has much more than op

Strongmummy · 26/10/2016 18:53

I'd suggest agreeing what is paid jointly (include dog and cars in this) and then pro rate what is paid into the joint account based on % each salary contributes to total monthly income. Whatever is left after that is for both of you to have as disposible income. Personally I don't like the idea that my money's my husbands and vice versa.

T0ddlerSlave · 26/10/2016 18:57

Unless either of you have serious money issues, or don't think your relationship is going to last, a single joint account for all income and expenses, plus a 'pocket money' account each is a huge equaliser.

You can still have individual savings, as isas are a good option and can only be in one name, but equal amount each.

The only caveat is any serious money either of you brought to the marriage which I would be OK about being protected.

daisymoon77 · 26/10/2016 19:00

I agree with Strongmummy DH and I each put 60% of our wages into a joint account. He earns more than me but that's partly because he's chosen to stay in the same job and progress whereas I've followed my passion more. He and I have the same % of our salaries left but his is more because he earns more.

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