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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu about DH and joint finances

66 replies

ScrumpyBetty · 26/10/2016 18:21

I am prepared to be told that I am being unreasonable, I can take it if I am
So here goes: I work 3 days a week and DH works FT and earns more than me. We each contribute to joint account every month, DH puts in £100 extra than me but he normally pays for nursery fees out of a voucher scheme, and he pays these himself.

Our joint account has got quite low lately, we'very had a fair few expenses.
My own savings have also gotten low....we have a dog, and it was agreed when we got dog that she would mine and that I would be primary care taker for dog and pay majority of costs. Fine, this is what I do, and I've had to foot a £180 vet bill this month. That was fine, I paid for it.
My car has just needed to be serviced and as I had not much money in my own account DH has said I should pay for it out of joint account. This has cleared our joint account right out and I feel a bit cross about this. I guess I feel that DH should have paid for it, not only does he earn more than me but I know he has a significant amount of savings. I have no savings, everything I earn goes on joint account, dog and things like car.

So am I being spoiled and un reasonable? I thought marriage would mean more of a partnership of finances, am I expecting too much?

OP posts:

HyacinthFuckit · 26/10/2016 21:24

As they have at least one DC young enough to need childcare and very low nursery bills, I'm going to hazard a guess that OP is working plenty on the days she's not in work. If we flip it, OP would have more money than she does now if DH were to go down to 3 days a week and she up to 5, with him doing childcare on his non-working days.

I agree with previous posters, it's really concerning not to know how much your DH earns. How can you manage to do things like budget? If you were both very well off it might not be a problem, but most people aren't and that presumably includes you OP if a £180 vet bill is a big deal.

Strongmummy · 26/10/2016 21:26

as I've said my husband and I have a joint account with pro rated contributions and whatever is left is our own disposible income. The fact that this disposible income is MY money is so important to me. I've earned it, I enjoy it and it reminds me I don't have to rely on anyone else. we also each have savings, but they are seen as joint money.

Phineyj · 26/10/2016 21:32

Bloody hell, that is a cheap nursery! It might be worth working an extra day if childcare is so cheap? I think you need to get more clued up about money and budgeting. My DH takes no interest in our finances and I find it quite frustrating having to be the grown up one all the time. It is a bore when the other person leaves all the planning ahead to you (not saying you are like this, but there is an air of 'but I want to be taken care of' in your post). I also find it a little weird that a family pet is considered an individual hobby.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/10/2016 21:36

I can't understand these set-ups. If you divorced, 'his' savings are half yours anyway.

DH and I pool money, spend on the budget for all household stuff, save some, pensions then if there is left over, we share it as pocket money. Then he can buy beer and video games and I can buy shoes.

Your dog could come out of pocket money but splitting all the household stuff and him saving while you worry is stupid.

MidsummersNight · 26/10/2016 21:36

I can't understand it when women say they don't know what they partner earns.

How? How do you end up getting married without having full financial disclosure?!

DP and I have a joint account for everything. All wages into one account, whatever for bills gets taken out and put into the bills account and whatever is left is split down the middle. I earn more & am happy with this.

OhTheRoses · 26/10/2016 21:41

When we married I earnt more and had the capital. And had a pre-nup. DH's career took off afterwards. Also if a partner is self employed often figures are only clear a year or two later.

DropZoneOne · 26/10/2016 21:42

DH and I earn similar, I put £100 more into the joint account but he covers the Sky bill because he had Sky Sports. But when our earnings were very different, contributions were split as a % of net earnings. So the higher earner paid more £ in but also had more £ left, but it was relative to earnings.
Joint account pays for all household bills, petrol, child related expenditure (clothes, clubs), food as well as £100 a month into savings for house emergencies or DIY.
Own money covers car costs except petrol, own clothes and anything else.

DH and ex pooled all money and then had 'spends'. DH hated this and said he felt like a child. So we took a different approach, and review every so often (job changes, pay rises, changes in outgoings) to make sure it's still working for us.

MidsummersNight · 26/10/2016 21:46

Totally fair enough if it works for you but is the point of a partnership/marriage not to pull together and have everything shared etc?
I'm maybe totally clueless but in all the years I've been with DP we've always pooled everything together and it's been split down the middle regardless of who was earning more. Sometimes it's been a huge difference in wage sometimes it's been more or less 50/50 but it's always just been pooled together and split right down the middle.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/10/2016 21:47

We have always shared everything 100%. One account for everything, both salaries paid into it and all expenses coming out of it. I wouldn't have it any other way. Some years DH has earned more and sometimes I have. Anything else feels too complicated and.... separate.

MidsummersNight · 26/10/2016 21:51

HeartTrumps that's how I feel.

I've always been self sufficient and could pay the bills if we split, it would just take a bit of moving things around.

But to work out a percentage based on what we earn feels very.. business like and not very equal-marriage-like.

What's yours is mine and all that!

OhTheRoses · 26/10/2016 21:56

If it works and there's never an argument about money it's fine. Different strikes for different folks.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/10/2016 22:24

OhTheRoses hi

I think you're right, we are lucky to have enough to go around and mostly agree on what is worth spending money on. apart from when DH spent £300 on some stupid app game in June and I hit the roof If it came down to a choice between my shoes and his Sky + we might have more trouble.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 26/10/2016 22:26

Midsummers exactly!

Cantgetmyoldnameback · 26/10/2016 22:34

TheRoses

Did you really have to give your DH an itemised account of every pound you'd spent each month?!

graphista · 26/10/2016 22:34

SheldonC are you suggesting the op's contribution to the families wealth in terms of what she does at home doesnt count?

OhTheRoses · 26/10/2016 23:19

I probably phrased that badly. I used to put receipts in a box on top of the breadbin and write it up at the end of the month. We have similar mentalities and it worked for us. I quite liked doing it. I did used to put little things like tissues, coffee on the list because they added up to a fiver over a week and he just wrote a cheque.

FWIW he keeps a daily spending log on a used envelope. He keeps several years' worth in his bedside table drawer and sometimes in a,spare half hour will pull a handful out and compare to recent ones. "on Tuesday 24th September 2006 I spent x and had a ham sandwich, apple and nuts for lunch".

Good job we're compatible.

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