Aibu about DH and joint finances

[ScrumpyBetty]

I am prepared to be told that I am being unreasonable, I can take it if I am
So here goes: I work 3 days a week and DH works FT and earns more than me. We each contribute to joint account every month, DH puts in £100 extra than me but he normally pays for nursery fees out of a voucher scheme, and he pays these himself.

Our joint account has got quite low lately, we'very had a fair few expenses.
My own savings have also gotten low....we have a dog, and it was agreed when we got dog that she would mine and that I would be primary care taker for dog and pay majority of costs. Fine, this is what I do, and I've had to foot a £180 vet bill this month. That was fine, I paid for it.
My car has just needed to be serviced and as I had not much money in my own account DH has said I should pay for it out of joint account. This has cleared our joint account right out and I feel a bit cross about this. I guess I feel that DH should have paid for it, not only does he earn more than me but I know he has a significant amount of savings. I have no savings, everything I earn goes on joint account, dog and things like car.

So am I being spoiled and un reasonable? I thought marriage would mean more of a partnership of finances, am I expecting too much?

DH and I always both worked F/T and our earnings were close-ish in amount (although I earned the higher amount most of our working careers) so I don't have any personal experience. But we have friends and contributions to the joint account has always been a bone of contention in their marriage (the DH has always earned many times over what she did until recently) yet his contribution was definitely NOT proportional to his earnings vs her earnings.

IF I were to want separate finances my feelings would be:

That the amounts paid into the joint account be evaluated at least yearly. Prices and living expenses go up and what was enough last year may not be enough this year.

That the contributions to meet joint expenses be based on percentages of salary. If DH earned 20% more than me, he should contribute 20% more. If I earned 70% more than DH I should contribute 70% more.

It's unfortunate that you've had a run of expenses (dog and your car) that have depleted your savings, but if you choose to maintain separate accounts what can you expect? If your DH wanted to help you with your agreed-upon separate responsibilities that would be very nice of him, but he's not under any obligation.

Nursery fees are £200 per month. Thanks for all replies so far. I appreciate it

It's unfair for him to have more money left over. If you both paid 50% of your wages into the bill account it would still be unfair if he is left with more disposable income.

Who buys kids clothes, birthday gifts, cards, puts money into the nursery collections etc? Takes unpaid leave when your child is sick.

Any particular reason you decided to run the finances this way?

I'm the main earner in our house (significantly) we have joint accounts and all money belongs to us both. He facilitates me working so why does he deserve to be poorer?

We chuck it all in one account and any big purchases are discussed. If you want to maintain seperate finances then the fairest thing to do is:

Work out all the basic family expenditure for the month; in my mind this would be rent/mortgage, household bills (utilities, internet, council tax), car expenses (including road tax, insurance and petrol), childcare plus a budget for food and misc child related expenses (eg clothes, trips, school dinners etc)
Ensure you transfer enough into the joint account to cover all these expenses and leave you BOTH with the SAME amount of "spends" in your accounts.
Personal expenses for each of you (clothes, mobiles, the dog etc) can then come out of your individual spends. If you choose to have a dog you have less spare cash, ditto if you choose to take out a ridiculous phone contract each month or buy designer clothes.

If the current arrangement is roughly fair and equal, he won't have a problem putting his whole wage into the joint account. I bet he does though.

Is there a reason why it was agreed you'd be primary carer of dog and pay expenses? I must say I don't entirely comprehend the concept of such separate finances when you're married, especially with small DC. But if you do have them and it was mutually agreed that the dog was your luxury not his, that would impact on who's BU here. If you both wanted the dog equally and he just decided he didn't fancy paying anything for it, that would be different.

What is he saving for?

If you didn't work less hours he would have to pay more nursery fees.

I too don't understand couples with kids who don't share everything.

I am all for separate finances - up until the point that people choose to have children.

You can not possible operate a 50/50 split with children in the picture.

If you cannot afford to pay vet bills and pay for your car to be serviced, you cannot afford your current lifestyle and either the entire families lifestyle needs to be downgraded to a point you can afford - or DH needs to put more in the join pot.

This is why we share everything - I work 3 days a week, he works 5 but we put everything minus 'spending money' into a joint account. The spending money is the same each.

The joint account pays for everything - bills, food, childcare, kid's clothes etc. It also has a standing order to a joint savings account. The savings we each 'brought' to the marriage were pooled and if we get large money gifts ( such as at Christmas from our parents) it is shared.

Our cars also belong to us both so the costs of running both of them are covered using our joint finances.

I agree with a PP - what are individuals saving for?!

I also don't get the 'my money' 'his money' in married couples - everyone benefits in our house from pooling our income, we'd never have any fun if I had to come up with my 'share' every time! And why is one person (usually) solely responsible for expenses related to children? They belong to you both!

Agree with Melly - why don't you know how much your DH earns? My DH husband and I put in a percentage of our wages every month to the joint account, I am part time so he earns more than me. We both have much the same left over to keep for ourselves.

DH earns massively more than me. We have a joint account for household bills that we each put the same % of our salaries into. The remainder of our salaries is ours for each of us to save or spend individually as we wish including paying for our responsibilities such as cars etc.

Same as CPtart, we put proportion of wages into joint account then what was left over was our own. If there was an expensive month, we would both put in extra to top up the joint account.

This worked well as he had an expensive hobby and I liked clothes (pre children) and we both didn't want to be answerable to each other.

Divorced now but nothing to do with money. That arrangement worked.

I must be odd. I don't understand why couples' money is separate. Ours has always been joint - we both put our money in, bills come out of the bills account, our spending money comes out of the joint account.

Over the years he's earned more, I've earned more, etc. Who cares? We're in this together.

I don't really get how this can happen. I earn approx £800 a month more than DP. But our money just goes into a joint account! We have a cap on "spending money" each week, once it's gone, it's gone. But we have managed to save £12k in 4 years, during which I have done a degree and been on maternity leave. I can't ever imagine our joint account being empty.

Why is he not giving you access to all of the money?

See, this is why I hate joint accounts. DH and I have completely seperate finances. Always have done.

Over the years, DH has earned more, I've earned more, it's in cycles. We pay the bills, live happily, with 3 x DS's who are now grown up.

My difference is my GM. Who was an amazing woman, who taught me never to depend on anyone else, even someone I loved.

So, my bank is mine. All bills are paid, (but if he left, I can pay them anyway) 35 years down and still going

Before marriage & becoming parents we earned pretty much the same and went 50/50 on costs.

After marriage we got a joint account and both paid the same in and kept a bit of spending money each in our sole accounts.

After having a family and me going p/t at work I had a big drop in wages. I started paying less in to the joint account and dh started paying more in - so we both kept our spending money equal.

We have a big spreadsheet which details our budget so we know how much needs to be in the joint account. We both use the childcare voucher scheme at work and that is taken into account too.

I think it's only fair for all money to be family money and for both partners to be left with a fair and equal amount of spending on themselves.

Amazing to be self sufficient. Not amazing for a man to benefit from his wife's unpaid labour and childcare whilst he feathers his own nest with his male privilege.

Being able to pay all the bills oneself is a lot easier once your DC are old enough not to need childcare, I should think. I couldn't pay all our bills by myself if DH sodded off, but I could if him sodding off wouldn't also require me to fork out for childcare while I worked. The reality is that independence of that type gets easier when your DC are less dependant!

We are only family with one income the bills come out dh spends a put £20 a week on greggs for lunch and newspapers and I spend the rest as I see fit

I think it's very odd I also think people who loan each other money when married when odd any way

I can't ever imagine our joint account being empty.

Depends how much you earn though doesn't it.

Can I just say NOBODY expects to go through a divorce/separation. I had a joint account with ex all money went into that account as 'we're a family' as soon as we split he emptied it! So be cautious.

It was also a nightmare untangling my money from his debts (several of which I knew nothing about, this is not uncommon).

But it's also crazy that you don't know what he earns, why doesn't he want you to know?

He may be the higher earner on paper but you are saving the household money on childcare etc by working part time - swings and roundabouts in my opinion.

I'd say have your own account that your wages, child benefit, child tax credit if you receive any go into (as you're the primary carer and that money is intended for the children, which includes incidental costs like school trips which the primary carer inevitably ends up paying, but also because I've seen all too often during a split mothers having to battle to get these paid into their accounts when they've previously gone into joint accounts).

Then a joint account for joint costs (mortgage, utilities, family car) to which you both pay in pro rated (you NEED to know his wages to calculate this). Do a budget which you review 6-monthly.

There will be a reason he doesn't want you knowing what he earns, likely it's more than you think.

I always think it looks so complicated when couples do things like that. We have 3 accounts, DH's business account, my graduate account and our joint account. There's probably an equal amount of bills coming out of each, and for the rest we use whichever account is appropriate/has the money in. It would never occur to me to have "my money" and "his money", or to argue over who pays what bill.

Why should he be comfortably off with plenty of savings, while you are struggling op?

As a pp has said, he is benefiting from you working fewer hours (nursery fees) so why should you suffer financially?

He sounds very clued up about money and rather mean!

It sounds fair, he pays more than you as contributes a £100 more plus nursery fees. Your pet bills are a luxury as you don't need a dog.

Why shouldn't he have more spending money, he works at least two more days than you. You could easily work more but choose not to, you can't have everything.

Never had a joint account. DH pays the bills. Haven't always known what he earns. Had 8 years as a sahm. Work full time now. DH gives me "housekeeping".

When I didn't work bought what was needed and gave him an itemised account at the end of each month. Nothing was ever questioned. But we are both "careful" with money and have similar attitudes.

Sometimes I read on here about DH's objecting to a child having a third pair of shoes to go with this and that. My DH would never have questioned that sort of purchase,because the DC had a pair of smart school shoes that polished up, doodles and wellies. OTH if I buy myself a pair of shoes/boots/coat out of my money it has nothing to do with DH and he has no entitlement to comment.