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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was she being fake

59 replies

crissya · 26/10/2016 11:14

So I recently joined a new team on a permanent basis. I'm a Lesbian who recently married my Wife. We have two children. For the first few weeks it's all been really professional, and everyone has been reasonably friendly. A few days ago one member of staff who is originally from Africa asked me when my Husband and I got married. I then explained it was my Wife. She looked it utter horror

I understand that not everyone agrees with gay marriage and I actually respect that to an extent, originally coming from a country where it's illegal myself but she then went on quite a rant about how she considers it wrong, especially with children involved. I was surprised she openly voiced that considering it's a liberal, supposedly professional environment to work for but then I realised why when the Boss agreed with her. Bear in mind I work in Government organisation not a private company. They didn't say anything that could get them sacked, but it wasn't very pleasant.

Anyway a young woman, I think she's around 25, interrupted the women mid speech to ask when I got married and whether she could see pictures. So she grabbed a chair and sat looking at my pics from our wedding day and pics of my Daughter. She said they were lovely and my Daughter was absolutely beautiful. She said I'm not allowed not bring in pictures from her Christening because she wants to see them. Every Monday morning since she has asked how my Wife and I are and been really friendly.

I thought it was lovely, and a very effective way of making me feel welcomed, but my Wife thinks she may have been being fake and making fun of me by pretending to like the pictures. She's never took someone the wrong way before and doesn't normally think like that.

AIBU to think she was just being really friendly and dealing with a difficult situation in an effective way?

Plus, I know they got given a warning by a Line Manager so since I never said anything I suspect it was her. What do you think?

OP posts:

Cakescakescakes · 26/10/2016 11:15

It sounds like she was trying to support you as she saw how horrible your colleagues were being.

Greyponcho · 26/10/2016 11:19

Sounds like she was giving the unpleasant colleagues two fingers & being nice to you - perhaps she's been on the receiving end of unprofessional behaviour too?
Unless she's given you cause to doubt her..?

Presstheresetbutton · 26/10/2016 11:19

Why would your wife say that?

It sounds like she was trying to show you her support without being confrontational

annielouisa · 26/10/2016 11:22

Your wife was not there l truly think you colleague was trying to be supportive. I am afraid the views expressed by the other colleagues would have got them into trouble where l work.

Waltermittythesequel · 26/10/2016 11:22

Your wife wasn't there.

How weird for her to jump to that conclusion.

Sounds like your colleague was trying to be nice and supportive.

clumsyduck · 26/10/2016 11:22

That is something I would have done . Not to be fake but to be nice to you and make you feel better in the face of the horrid behaviour of your other colleagues .

Mozfan1 · 26/10/2016 11:22

Why would your wife automatically assume that? It was the bigoted ones who were being nasty to you, not the friendly one 🙄

JellyBelli · 26/10/2016 11:23

I dont think they were being fake. If they were, its likely you would have picked up on it at the time.
I hope the person who ranted at you was disciplined.

KatharinaRosalie · 26/10/2016 11:23

Sounds just friendly - I would do something like that if I had another colleague spouting some bigoted crap.

CheshireSplat · 26/10/2016 11:24

Sounds like she's being supportive to me!

bumsexatthebingo · 26/10/2016 11:25

It sounds like she was being nice but without being there it's hard to say. Your other colleague and boss were out of order though and I'd report it. They aren't views you should be expressing in front of a colleague in a same sex marriage even if you hold them. I would complain officially in your position.

harderandharder2breathe · 26/10/2016 11:25

Sounds like she was sticking up for you. Maybe she acted more interested than she really was but not to make fun of you, to stick two fingers up to the nasty ones

Gileswithachainsaw · 26/10/2016 11:26

Sounds like she was trying to be nice and show you that not everyone you work for/with thinks like that.

I'd probably do the same tbh.

Abraiid2 · 26/10/2016 11:26

Can't see why your OH would think that, she sounds paranoid or jealous.

Young colleague sounds lovely.

hotdiggedy · 26/10/2016 11:28

How awful that they think they can go around sharing their opinions like that! Who know what she was trying to do but I guess you would have picked up something if you thought she was trying to be clever wouldn't you?

LuckBeALadyHey · 26/10/2016 11:29

Of course it's hard to say without having been there, but I agree that this sounds like something I might try to do in this situation, to show support. The alternative would presumably have been to get into an argument with your rude and nasty colleagues, which would not have got her very far. This seems like the best road for her to take IMO and I doubt she's making fun or being fake.

ijustwannadance · 26/10/2016 11:31

Sounds to me that she thought your other colleagues were out of order and quickly diffused the situation.

Odd reaction from your wife though.

44PumpLane · 26/10/2016 11:31

Agree with everyone else, she sounds like she was being nice and actually trying to diffuse a situation that would probably have been rather uncomfortable for you.

She may not be as interested as she has made out, but I would read it as a show of support, perhaps she was OTT the other way to make you feel better which is a lovely gesture.

user1471434605 · 26/10/2016 11:32

It sounds like she was being supportive of you and making her feelings about her colleagues bigoted views clear, in a non-confrontational way. She sounds like a nice person and I am bit surprised your wife would assume she was being fake. Is she being given a hard time at work herself?

Pickled0nions · 26/10/2016 11:32

I think she was trying to make you feel more comfortable in an uncomfortable situation and I think now she is just making the efforts to make you feel welcomed and befriend you.

Your wife sounds like she doesn't like her being overly friendly with you and that's why she has said she's being fake.

I would just reassure your wife that your colleague was just being supportive in a crap situation.

FetchezLaVache · 26/10/2016 11:32

I think she is being supportive of you, and I also think she dobbed the two nasty, prejudiced colleagues in on the quiet. Briefly, I think she sounds ace.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 26/10/2016 11:34

It's the sort of thing I would have done, taken an interest to show that not everyone in the office is that narrow minded. Had it not come off the back of those two being so dreadful, you wouldn't think twice about her interest in your family. It is their actions which are making you doubt her and I would consider her a friend, ally even to show the others, inc your boss, that it doesn't matter who you love, it's how well you do the job that matters.

Lilicat1013 · 26/10/2016 11:37

There was something recently posted around Facebook about how to support someone if they were being verbally harassed on public transport (it was particularly about racial harassment). The advice was to speak with the victim and engage them in normal conversation. Basically a show of support without the need to confront the aggressor and risk escalating the situation.
It sounds like your colleague was trying to do the same thing, rather than confront those spouting offensive opinions she decided to support you. I don't think she is being fake, I think she is trying to help.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 26/10/2016 11:38

Your OH sounds a bit paranoid. Agree with others: your young colleague is ace.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 26/10/2016 11:39

I agree with PP. It sounds as though she was trying to defuse the situation. Perhaps she was a bit more effusive than she would usually have been but she was probably trying to compensate for/negate the horribleness of the other staff members.

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