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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was she being fake

59 replies

crissya · 26/10/2016 11:14

So I recently joined a new team on a permanent basis. I'm a Lesbian who recently married my Wife. We have two children. For the first few weeks it's all been really professional, and everyone has been reasonably friendly. A few days ago one member of staff who is originally from Africa asked me when my Husband and I got married. I then explained it was my Wife. She looked it utter horror Grin

I understand that not everyone agrees with gay marriage and I actually respect that to an extent, originally coming from a country where it's illegal myself but she then went on quite a rant about how she considers it wrong, especially with children involved. I was surprised she openly voiced that considering it's a liberal, supposedly professional environment to work for but then I realised why when the Boss agreed with her. Bear in mind I work in Government organisation not a private company. They didn't say anything that could get them sacked, but it wasn't very pleasant.

Anyway a young woman, I think she's around 25, interrupted the women mid speech to ask when I got married and whether she could see pictures. So she grabbed a chair and sat looking at my pics from our wedding day and pics of my Daughter. She said they were lovely and my Daughter was absolutely beautiful. She said I'm not allowed not bring in pictures from her Christening because she wants to see them. Every Monday morning since she has asked how my Wife and I are and been really friendly.

I thought it was lovely, and a very effective way of making me feel welcomed, but my Wife thinks she may have been being fake and making fun of me by pretending to like the pictures. She's never took someone the wrong way before and doesn't normally think like that.

AIBU to think she was just being really friendly and dealing with a difficult situation in an effective way?

Plus, I know they got given a warning by a Line Manager so since I never said anything I suspect it was her. What do you think?

OP posts:
SpringerS · 26/10/2016 11:41

I've seen numerous videos of how to react when you witness a racism fuelled verbal assault. The technique is to not confront the attackers but to strike up a conversation with the person being bullied. Be friendly, show implicit approval of the person and firmly use the nice conversation to block out and shut down the bully.

That sounds exactly like what your young colleague was doing. So sure she might have been 'fake' in the level of interest she was showing. She mightn't actually be so interested in your photos or care about where you got married or the Christening. But she was being nice and cleverly shutting down the bullies you work with.

DudeWheresMyVulva · 26/10/2016 11:41

It sounds supportive to me too, ad also making it quite clear when you were on the receiving end of a hate speech in the workplace ffs, that she was demonstrating pretty clearly that it was unacceptable in a supportive way.

I think your colleague sounds lovely.

BolshierAryaStark · 26/10/2016 11:43

How lovely of your colleague, I 'd honestly say she's being supportive & I also think it's odd for your OH to think otherwise.

Liiinoo · 26/10/2016 11:44

YOur colleague sounds lovely, she supported you in a positive way without making a big scene about it and stood up for what she obviously believes is right. If she was being fake (and why on earth would she be?) you would have sensed it very quickly.

It is hard to say why your wife has taken such a negative view of the situation. Perhaps she has been at the sticky end of some two-faced behaviour in the past and that has made her suspicious?

DudeWheresMyVulva · 26/10/2016 11:45

And I wish I had that sort of presence of mind at the age of 25. I was the kind to scuttle away and maybe make a complaint afterwards.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/10/2016 11:45

She might have been overdoing it slightly but I don't think she was being fake. She sounds lovely.

Purplebluebird · 26/10/2016 11:48

Your wife is being silly, sounds like your colleague was really nice, and standing up for you in her own way :)

DixieWishbone · 26/10/2016 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SapphireStrange · 26/10/2016 11:50

I came on to say what Lilicat said about the advice on how to 'deflect' verbal abuse. I would assume she was doing that.

I'd report the homophobic colleague, if you haven't already. That's not acceptable.

furryminkymoo · 26/10/2016 11:51

I think that she was trying to defuse a situation and did so very well. If you are keen to have a friendship with her then maybe test the waters with a coffee or lunch invite?

TimTamTerrier · 26/10/2016 11:51

It's possible that she showed more interest than she otherwise would have as a sign of support because you were being given a hard time by your colleagues (bullied, I would say). There are loads of things that I'm not particularly interested in and wouldn't ask about under normal circumstances, but that I would have a conversation as a way of engaging with a colleague. It's not really fake, it's just small talk.

Thefitfatty · 26/10/2016 11:55

I don't think she was being "fake", like others have said, she was diffusing a bad situation. So she may have appeared a bit more over interested than she normally would. However, still asking after your wife and children every monday since proves that she is a genuinely nice person and does care.

Emmageddon · 26/10/2016 12:01

When my DD came out, one of my colleagues, a born-again Christian, offered to pray for her to be restored to the path of righteousness. I declined her kind offer. Unfortunately, her comment was overheard by the very politically correct manager and she was asked to attend an Equality and Diversity course. She refused, and was eventually dismissed. I felt a bit sorry for her, because she was genuinely offering, what she thought, was help.

Your colleague sounds lovely, not fake in the least, just being supportive in the face of your more ignorant colleagues.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 26/10/2016 12:02

I agree with the others.

Have you read the advice on how to help people who are being racially abused in public? It says that rather than tackling the people being abusive (because that can exacerbate the situation) you should 'befriend' the person being abused. So sit next to them, strike up a conversation, whatever so that they are not alone. It's a very effective tactic.

Ah, I've just scanned upthread and seen that someone else has said pretty much the same. Must be right then Wink

I'd log any further incidents. I don't know how long you've worked in the field for, but I used to work for a local authority agency and there will be an LGBT representative somewhere you can speak to if it feels necessary.

LIttleTripToHeaven · 26/10/2016 12:04

Don't feel sorry for her, Emma. She might have thought she was genuinely offering help, but then she refused the opportunity to attend the training on the basis that she had no interest in diversity and equality.

She wouldn't have changed her mind on the back of it, but she would at least have been showing willing. And she wasn't.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 26/10/2016 12:05

I'm quite sure that if she had been making fun of you she would never have kept the pretence up, she wouldn't have been able to resist making it clear very early on that she was on the side of the people who are criticising. I would definitely interpret this as being supportive.

DesolateWaist · 26/10/2016 12:05

I think that she was trying to defuse the situation as said above.
As others have said there was a lot after Brexit about how if someone is getting racial abuse in public then a good thing to do is to just be with the person.

I get the feeling that she perhaps showed an over the top level of interest and is continuing to do so just to show her support in a none threatening manner. It also reminds the others that not everyone shares their bigoted opinions.

I can't believe they did this though. Surely they could face a disciplinary if your decided to complain.

myownprivateidaho · 26/10/2016 12:11

I agree with others that it does not sound like the woman was being fake. She does sound like she was making a point of being welcoming and supportive of your relationship in front of your bigoted colleagues, so in that sense there was more to what she was saying than "just" wanting to see the photos, but I definitely think that that is a positive thing.

However, I don't agree with many of the negative comments about your DW (although I do think she misread the situation on this occasion). If you are continually subject to discrimination of this kind then you sadly do begin to suspect others' motives. It's a different thing but I remember when I was being bullied by two "popular" girls in school I was so paranoid that I would think that any "popular" girl who spoke to me must have been taking the piss. It's a normal psychological reaction I think.

I would really encourage you to talk to HR about your colleague and the boss's homophobia. That is a toxic environment that you should not have to put up with. It also might lead to further discrimination against you. I imagine in a government agency this kind of thing would be taken very seriously indeed.

YelloDraw · 26/10/2016 12:12

Why would your wife say that???

Sounds like colleague was trying to act nice and normal to show nasty colleagues their behavior was out of line.

Like the 'what to do if you see someone being racially abused' posters tell you to go over and start talking to the person about something normal.

ilovesooty · 26/10/2016 12:18

I think your wife has probably misinterpreted it.
Anyone who behaved like those colleagues did would be reported and disciplined in my company.

KitKat1985 · 26/10/2016 12:19

I'm not quite sure why your wife has jumped to that conclusion, especially since I'm guessing she doesn't even know your colleague. I think your young colleague was trying to be supportive and show that not everyone in the office shares your colleagues prejudiced views.

Cherrysoup · 26/10/2016 12:20

Think your Dw is being paranoid. I'd be delighted if someone had been as nice as your colleague. She's doing the non confrontational/show them how way, quite right too. I should hope she did complain to HR, especially as you didn't. Why didn't you? I think it's outrageous that your boss agreed with the homophobic person. Don't care where she's from, I presume you're in the UK so she needs to be aware that we do not loudly disagree with gay marriage in front of colleagues!

SapphireStrange · 26/10/2016 12:22

LittleTrip, I couldn't agree more.

CoolCarrie · 26/10/2016 12:22

Parts of Africa are full of homophobic behaviours, so called 'correctional rape' of lesbians and in some cases, murder of gay people, especially gay people in the black community, it is totally horrific, and they often believe in muti which is black magic.
There are also loads of born again Christians who can be a nightmare as well, but at least they don't directly harm people. Your nasty work colleague sounds like she could full into either camp, and best to rise above her behaviour.
The young woman sounds like she was truly trying to help you and your partner sounds like she has a bit of a chip on her shoulder tbh.

2kids2dogsnosense · 26/10/2016 12:25

Being supportive and showing the other two that they were well out of order, but in a non-aggressive, non-confrontational way.

I think she is sincere - maybe she over-egged the pudding a tiny bit, but that is to let the others know that she isn't going to listen to them talking shit about you, whether you are there or not.

She sounds a fab colleague.

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