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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To suggest my DH get the snip

73 replies

sparkles82 · 23/10/2016 07:24

I'm a bit of a lurker here on MN, preferring to read, not write, but wanted to post about this.
We have three DC, with the youngest being 8 months old. I've also had 5 miscarriages. As you can imagine, I'm kind of done with pregnancy.
Now I'm thinking of contraception.
What with being on the pill for years and then having daily blood thinning injections to support two of my pregnancies, I do feel that I've had enough of putting chemicals into my body. I said to DH that we should use condoms or in the long term maybe we should consider him having a vasectomy.
His response? What if he's not 'done' with having kids yet and would like more in the future? Who with?! He also feels like I'm ordering him to have it done (which I'm not). He's a lovely man but incredibly stubborn at times.
AIBU in suggesting this?

OP posts:

Dontneedausername · 23/10/2016 07:31

You're not BU to suggest, but he is also not BU to say no. It's his body and his choice.
As for his comment about not being "done" yet, yes it was insensitive but maybe he just doesn't want to rule out more kids with you, or maybe he thinks that sometimes things don't work out and doesn't want to be left unable to have more kids.

mmgirish · 23/10/2016 07:32

No! YANBU. I suggested that my dH had one. He started to panic as the date loomed. I made it clear that I had my fair share of strangers looking at my private areas...

luckylucky24 · 23/10/2016 07:35

Not unreasonable to ask but I think something considering the snip is permanent he is well within reasonable boundaries to say no. Especially if he is fairly young.
There is always the possibility that things won't work out between you and he meets someone in ten years and wants another child.

gizmo79 · 23/10/2016 07:47

You are not BU. It is a relatively simple op, no follow up except to check that there is not sperm, and no issues for either of you.

My DH had it done a couple of months ago, I struggle with the hormones of the pill, and although was happy to be sterilised, my DH offered as it is far less intrusive.
DH also was very clear he didn't want more DC tho, we are pregnant with 3 as well!
From what he has said though, there are a lot of men who make comments about him being less of a man now, how could he ever have got that done etc, (he works on a military base, and I think some of the guys are a bit old school....). Should have heard the comments after I kept my surname and the kids all have my surname!!!

Bruce02 · 23/10/2016 07:52

Yanbu to ask.

It's actually not a simple operation. It's not risk free and when dh had his the doctors made clear that complications are thought to very under reported. Dh had a small complication and still gets pain two years later. He won't go to the doctor as he just thinks it's one of those things. So I can see why it's under reported.

At the end of the day it's his body and he can choose to do as he wishes. He should never be forced into doing something he doesn't want to.

Dh decided he wanted the snip when I was pregnant with our second as we didn't want anymore. When it came to it I got him to out it off. I definitely didn't want anymore kids, I knew dh definitely didn't want more.

I just wasn't ready to not be able to have anymore. Even though I technically still could. I don't want anymore, I wouldn't have more if I split with dh. But having the option removed took a while to get used to.

NapQueen · 23/10/2016 07:54

Well, to be blunt OP, you could force him to get the snip then in a year or twos time decide it's over and leave him.

The choice for more kids has gone.

He isn't certain he wants no more kids so surgery is a no.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 23/10/2016 07:58

As others have said, you're not unreasonable to ask, he's not unreasonable to say no.

I wouldn't have it done. I would add the caveat that I don't have children and would have quite liked them but no deep yearning (my wife isn't keen).

Our marriage is relatively happy and stable, but to cut off (pun intended) entirely the chance of having children should she change her mind or the marriage break down (obviously I hope it doesn't, but a lot do) and a future partner wanted children.

The snip seems so final.

ShowOfHands · 23/10/2016 08:00

You are not BU. It is a relatively simple op, no follow up except to check that there is not sperm, and no issues for either of you

As said above, this isn't true. The risk of long term complications is 10%

I understand your reasoning but he is not unreasonable to refuse.

Aderyn2016 · 23/10/2016 08:02

I hate this attitude that you could break up and he could want kids with someone else in the future. Surely the point of getting married is that you view the relationship as permanent? I'd be really hurt if my dh refused on that basis.
Mine had it 7 years ago. It's true that there are sometimes side effects. Dh's scar is still a bit uncomfortable. Then again, I have had episiotomies and tears and they aren't great either. Having children can have a permanent affect on your body and it isn't fair that women are expected to suffer all of it and men nothing. We have 4 dc and dh thought it fair and reasonable that he do his bit.
While it is his body and you can't make him, it is selfish not to do this for you imo and I would refuse all other contraception bar condoms going forward. He should take some of the responsibility now.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 23/10/2016 08:13

Yes. I do view it as permanent, but there's no guarantee the other party does.

My sister in law, viewed her marriage as lifelong, but her husband had other ideas. She came home early from work and walked in to find him shagging a 19 year old colleague and he fucked off the very next day.

FerretFred · 23/10/2016 08:14

I had the snip 18 months ago. Best thing I ever did. It was uncomfortable for a good while but don't regret it. I had it done in a doctors surgery whilst my wife sat the other side of the curtain listening in and reading her kindle!

However, it's his body and it has to be considered a permanent procedure. Suggestion is fine. Refusal is also perfectly fine. Pressuring him isn't fine.

Now I know the operations aren't on the same scale, but what if he said to you to get sterilised and then got grumpy because you said no? That would be totally unfair.

PuntasticUsername · 23/10/2016 08:17

YANBU to suggest it, HINBU to say no, YABU to get grumpy about that. His body, his choice.

Bagina · 23/10/2016 08:27

It has to be his decision. If the op goes wrong or he has to live with complications, he needs to know that it was his decision. Give him some time to get his head round the idea. It was definitely the best solution for us.

c3pu · 23/10/2016 08:27

YANBU to suggest the snip, he is NABU to refuse.

If you're adamant you're done with pregnancy is getting sterilised an option? Or perhaps the copper coil? Takes the decision out of his hands and gives similar results.

MyGiddyUncle · 23/10/2016 08:32

Fertility lasts a lot longer for a man (stating the obvious there). Dh has mentioned getting the snip as we have 2 dc and due dc3 in May.

I'm not sure - he's only 33 and has years of fertility in front of him. I could say with certainty that I will never have more dc after this one - even if dh and I split up, i'm done, I have my kids, i've been though 4 pregnancies, one miscarriage, a host of pregnancy and post pregnancy issues...no more. But if we split and dh met a woman a bit younger who was childless...chances are (law of averages) she'll want dc. I'm not sure I want that option taken away from him.

Aderyn2016 · 23/10/2016 08:32

But that means once again the OP has to take care of it all. When is it his turn to contribute? His family too.

Aderyn2016 · 23/10/2016 08:34

I'd expect my dh to do what is best for us, his actual family, rather than what is best for some hypothetical wife.

Sierra259 · 23/10/2016 08:37

Agree with other posters that YANBU to ask him but he is equally NBU to not want a technically unnecessary surgical procedure. I would have found the comment about maybe wanting more children in future hurtful too, especially as he knows you're not interested, but it's his body and his decision at the end of the day.

A 10% long-term complication rate is actually quite high and I don't believe in pressuring my DH to risk that just because I went through pregnancy/childbirth (I'm not saying you are OP, but I see that reasoning a lot on MN). Having kids was something we chose as a couple and it's not like he could do it! Have you considered the copper coil in the meantime? No hormones and once it's in, you're well protected against pregnancy. Or tell him that you're not going back on the pill so if he wants sex, he uses a condom.

MyGiddyUncle · 23/10/2016 08:41

I'd expect my dh to do what is best for us, his actual family, rather than what is best for some hypothetical wife

What's best for him as an individual is also important.

Otherwise, why doesn't the op just get sterilised? That would be her thinking of her family too.

DoinItFine · 23/10/2016 08:42

Well you can certainly insist on condoms or no sex.

He can refuse to get a vasectomy.

But you can make your own choices about a man who appears to be planning further children with other women.

scaevola · 23/10/2016 08:47

If he doesn't want his fertility to be surgically removed, that's his choice because it is his body.

It's not a risk free operation either.

If you think removal of fertility is right, because you do want the permanency, then you can have an operation to achieve that.

"When is it his turn to contribute? His family too."

He could do so immediately, if they decide to use condoms. Contraceptive technology is not - and never can be - a level playing field, for significant biological reasons. That however will never make it right to expect surgery of one spouse.

Original poster

sparkles82 · 23/10/2016 08:48

Thank you for your comments everyone. Really helpful getting different points of view. Sierra259 I hadn't considered the copper coil but will look into it

OP posts:

DoinItFine · 23/10/2016 08:51

Based on what he said contraception would no longer be necessary for me.

But I would take not of his statement that he doesn't see your marriage lasting and make future decisions around work, finances, childcare, housing etc with that in mind.

Sierra259 · 23/10/2016 08:54

I love the copper coil OP. I can't have hormonal contraception for medical reasons, so had it before and after DC1 and DC2. My periods are slightly heavier, but otherwise I'd never even know it's there. Hope you find a solution you're happy with!

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 23/10/2016 08:56

Where did he say he didn't see the marriage lasting?

He may be hoping OP will want more DC one day, must as he does. Or he fully expects it to last until death. And that the surviving spouse should carry on with as full a life as they wish to have.

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