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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To suggest my DH get the snip

73 replies

sparkles82 · 23/10/2016 07:24

I'm a bit of a lurker here on MN, preferring to read, not write, but wanted to post about this.
We have three DC, with the youngest being 8 months old. I've also had 5 miscarriages. As you can imagine, I'm kind of done with pregnancy.
Now I'm thinking of contraception.
What with being on the pill for years and then having daily blood thinning injections to support two of my pregnancies, I do feel that I've had enough of putting chemicals into my body. I said to DH that we should use condoms or in the long term maybe we should consider him having a vasectomy.
His response? What if he's not 'done' with having kids yet and would like more in the future? Who with?! He also feels like I'm ordering him to have it done (which I'm not). He's a lovely man but incredibly stubborn at times.
AIBU in suggesting this?

OP posts:

Aderyn2016 · 23/10/2016 08:59

What about what's best for the OP? Which is no more pg and no more chemicals or invasive procedures in her body to control fertility?
While no one has a right to expect surgery, I would view a husband as being very selfish and unsupportive to not do this for her. She has had 5 miscarriages - she has been through more than her fair share to give them both a family.
Anyway, if this was me I would insist on condoms if I still felt like having sex with someone who was putting first his desire to reproduce with some future wife instead of thinking about my (his actual wife's) physical and emotional wellbeing.

I believe that if you are part of a couple and have made a lifelong commitment to each other, then sometimes you have to accept limits to your personal fertility because your partner has been through enough and either doesn't want to or can't go through pg. I don't think people have the right to expect the capacity to reproduce for ever. The OPs h has a family and should be grateful for it and appreciative of what his wife has gone through to achieve it for both of them and now do something for her.

SprogletsMum · 23/10/2016 09:00

I've persuaded my dp to get it done. I'm pregnant with our 4th now. The argument about splitting up and wanting more fails because he will already have 4 children to support and 4 is more than enough for him and me.

SprogletsMum · 23/10/2016 09:01

Oh and we're both allergic to condoms and the pill/hormonal contraception makes me ill. So our only other option for contraception is abstinence.

DoinItFine · 23/10/2016 09:02

Or maybe he wants to stay married and have an affair and be able to get his mistress pregnant.

Either way, knowing he plans to have future children with soneone else is very important knowledge to have in terms of olanning your own future.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 23/10/2016 09:04

My DH booked one and then read too many examples of people being in permanent pain after having it done. We both decided it wasn't worth the risk and he cancelled it. It might be a comparatively small risk but he wouldn't insist on me having anything done that could potentially result in years of agony, so fair enough. Not my place to tell him what he's allowed to do with his testicles TBH.

AuntieStella · 23/10/2016 09:07

One person's bodily autonomy does not trump that of another, even when they are married to each other.

No disagreement whatsoever with the idea that the best decisions come from a couple working as a team. But they should never extend - either explicitly, or implicitly, or by any hint - to the control of surgery on another person.

So it needs to be the person who is personally sure they are ready for a permanent fix who hugest the operation.

It's very safe - serious complications rate around 10-15% for either sex.

Bagina · 23/10/2016 09:08

I think the "what if" question is normal and sensible. You have to think of relationship breakdowns etc. It doesn't mean he intends to go elsewhere. Dh said the same. It's the finality of the decision. Like a pp, dh said he wouldn't be able to handle any more dc anyway. Dh suffered so much pain, I would've felt awful if I'd talked him into the op. Luckily he's a sensible bloke who would rather get his bollocks chopped than put up with me on hormones

Ifailed · 23/10/2016 09:11

For information, a vasectomy is not entirely permanent, it can be reversed with a vasovasostomy, with about 50% success rate.
If the OP's husband really does not want another child, then he should either be abstaining, having the operation or using condoms; contraception is not down to the women.

alloutofnameideas · 23/10/2016 09:13

I'm in a similar boat. Got 5 kids. All under 6. Very very hectic. I do not react well to hormones. I've had the Mirena, I've been on at least 6 different pills, I've had the injection, and I'm allergic to condoms. He absolutely flat refuses to get the snip. Apparently we're going to be having another baby in a few years. I am going for the copper coil. I had it before I had any children and got on absolutely fine with it. Only problem for me was how much heavier it made my periods. I was using maximum absorbency tampon and towel together and still having to change them both within two hours. This lasted for almost two days then was very light. I'm hoping I don't get this so bad this time. My periods have yet to return since youngest was born 10 months ago so I need to wait to get it fitted because it has to be done towards the end of your period apparently. Until then I am not letting him near me

isupposeitsverynice · 23/10/2016 09:14

I did indeed badger DH into a snip. I don't find any of the reasons for not having a vasectomy terribly compelling, to be brutally honest. The risk of side effects and complications has nothing on the potential of side effects and complications from pregnancy and childbirth, and indeed most female contraceptives. I've done more than my fair share of suffering in the name of reproduction and contraception. As for 'I might want more kids later, with someone else' - what a prize - I'm afraid my response to that would be 'pack your fucking bags then mate'.

ShowOfHands · 23/10/2016 09:14

I have had two miscarriages, one termination, two babies, two emcs - one of which was a crash cs after failed ventouse, forceps and manual rotation and a significant haemorrhage - and at no point would I EVER have expected dh to have a vasectomy. I made a clear choice to reproduce and the circumstances of birth were chosen or developed according to what was right for those babies I chose to have. I could never in good conscience use the peculiarities of my own body to force dh into surgery which carries a significant risk.

DoinItFine · 23/10/2016 09:16

Not all married people are making plans for their babies with other people.

It is not at all normal for that to be a factor in decision making.

It is certainly useful that you know your marriage is only one of the options he is considering for his future.

Bagina · 23/10/2016 09:20

Ffs here we go again. I meant it's a fleeting thought that may cross one's mind. It would certainly cross mine and then be just as quickly discounted.

RainyDayBear · 23/10/2016 09:21

DP is going to have one after we (hopefully) have a second child. He is generally pretty unfazed by medical procedures, he knows I don't want to be on the pill and is very set on only two children. Also, I pointed out that I had a caesarean with DD and will have an ELCS next time round so said it was his turn for some surgery!

DoinItFine · 23/10/2016 09:22

But he didn't discount it.

He has given his future children as a reason why sterlisation is not an option for him.

That's huge.

ShowOfHands · 23/10/2016 09:29

Ifailed, when having a vasectomy on the nhs, you are specifically counselled to view it as permanent. Of course there is a reversal but the nhs almost certainly won't fund it and even ask you to sign to acknowledge presumed permanence.

Spam88 · 23/10/2016 09:29

At no point did he say he was planning to end the marriage/have an affair and have more babies I'm sure it's just that, although he's agreed that they don't want anymore, actually facing the idea of making yourself permanently infertile is a big deal. It's not unreasonable to have the reaction of 'but what if we decide we do want more?'

c3pu · 23/10/2016 09:30

I would happily have had the snip for my ex.

As it happens she's a lying cheater, and I'm rather thankful my tadpoles are still easily available. Hes not being out of order to never say never.

FerretFred · 23/10/2016 09:35

Fuck me. The man is her husband not property. Would he be fair to get the hump if she said no to surgical sterilisation?

Allfednonedead · 23/10/2016 09:37

It's worth noting that not only is the copper coil 100% reversible, it's also more effective than a vasectomy. As in lower failure rate, aka fewer pregnancies.
It works beautifully for most, but some women find it makes their periods heavier, so it might be worth trying and then you can have the snip conversation again if it doesn't agree with you.

MLGs · 23/10/2016 09:39

Yanbu to ask, but he is nbu not to want an operation as it is his body.

Looks like condoms it is, which is actually a very reliable method of contraception used properly (I.e. from the outset of penetrative sex).

Hwbu to refuse to use condoms whilst still wanting to have sex though.

Borntoflyinfirst · 23/10/2016 09:42

I wonder what some of you would say if it was HIM trying to persuade/force YOU to have surgery. I read 'my body my choice' on here all the time. That should work both ways. Has to be his choice surely? Would it be great if he wants to? Yes probably. Should you make him? No of course not.

By the way I've had a copper coil for 6 years after birth of 3rd child as didn't react well to hormones. No issues, periods as light as before and actually far more regular than the rest of my life (although that's probably a coincidence).

DoinItFine · 23/10/2016 09:46

When somebody tells you that they are planjing to have children with someone else in the future, listen.

It sounds like lots of people are in marriages where people are making plans for children after the marriage ends and are cool with that.

It's good to know you are in that kind of marriage, because it will have implications for long-term planning.

Also, you might not find it appealing to be in a marriage like that.

Either way, it's all useful information to be acted upon as and when.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 23/10/2016 09:57

I'm not seeing where in the OP it says he won't do it in case he wants more children with someone else. I understand the OP is saying 'well it won't be with ME, I'm done.' But he hasn't said its in case he meets someone else, it sounds more like he is saying 'what if we change our minds.' Not the same thing at all.

FarAwayHills · 23/10/2016 10:04

YANBU to ask and he should consider it. He should respect that you have already been through a lot and that you do no want to risk further pregnancy or continue with the hassle and worry of contraception.

DH had it done when we were both very certain that our family was complete. Having seen what I had been through he felt it was the right thing to do. Also my DM had my DSis as a 'little accident' very late in life and having seen how hard this has been for at times it is not something I want to risk going through myself.

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