To suggest my DH get the snip

[sparkles82]

I'm a bit of a lurker here on MN, preferring to read, not write, but wanted to post about this.
We have three DC, with the youngest being 8 months old. I've also had 5 miscarriages. As you can imagine, I'm kind of done with pregnancy.
Now I'm thinking of contraception.
What with being on the pill for years and then having daily blood thinning injections to support two of my pregnancies, I do feel that I've had enough of putting chemicals into my body. I said to DH that we should use condoms or in the long term maybe we should consider him having a vasectomy.
His response? What if he's not 'done' with having kids yet and would like more in the future? Who with?! He also feels like I'm ordering him to have it done (which I'm not). He's a lovely man but incredibly stubborn at times.
AIBU in suggesting this?

I think if men were the ones who were pg, had miscarriages, episiotomies, tears and c sections then yes, I would support their right to ask their partner to do their bit and get sterilised. Seems fair to share the load and not expect one person to do everything including be responsible for contraception.

It is fine to suggest it but also fine that he says no. I personally wouldn't read too much into his comment as you never know what is around the corner. DP and I are very happy and I can imagine us being together forever, but things can change for a variety of reasons. I would only permanently remove my ability to have children if it was the right thing for me. Also, maybe he is hanging on to the hope that you will change your mind about having more - I'm not suggesting that he might try and pressurise you into it, he might just not want to remove that possibility.

A copper coil is hardly without side effects though is it? Mine made my periods so heavy I ended up borderline anaemic and although that has slowly eased after three years and they more or less back to pre-coil levels of bleeding - the cramping is still massively worse than before I had it (no shit- there's a lump of metal in my uterus) and frankly it makes me feel a bit nauseated if I think too long about the reality of this foreign object in my womb. The other day I saw a picture of a coil embedded in a uterus that had been sliced in half and I very nearly did actually hurl. I don't disagree they're very effective contraception, but it's not on to present it as an easy route - it's not at all like that for everyone and you use it for up to ten years, unlike a snip which is (in theory) done and dusted the one time.

In a relationship that you have to committed to for the rest of your life, why should it always be the woman who bears the responsibility and consequences of contraception? Nah. Men need to do their bit too if they want to carry on having sex.

YANBU to ask, he is NBU to refuse. It's his body, his choice.

It's much easier for a woman to have hers reversed than it is for a man to have his vasectomy reversed. Why is it your DP who has to suffer? If it doesn't work out, he should be free to have more kids if he wants them. The success rate for reversing tube tying is much higher than it is for reversing a vasectomy.

The risk of long term complications is 10%

As is the risk of side effects from hormonal contraception, not to mention the possible dangers and side effects of pregnancy.

Op YANBU.

Have you considered using a diagraphram (sp) plus condoms? He may come round once he had had time to consider.

I agree totally with Aderyn - I have 3 children and I want my DH to have the snip now. Neither of us want more children (with each other or anyone else!) so why not?

I've been pregnant 3 times, had a 3rd degree tear, an episiotomy and the physical discomfort of pregnancy (sickness, aches and pains etc) and whilst it's not a 'tit for tat' situation, I really don't think it's too much to ask for DH to do something now for our family that means I don't have to take pills or have something like a coil (the thought of which makes me feel sick!). Why is it my responsibility only?

I don't like condoms and I don't want to have to worry about them ever failing. So no OP YANBU and I actually think he is a BU to just dismiss it.

Dh has had the snip and I did ask if anything happened to us, split up or death would he like any more children. He said no if we split or I died he said his mind would be supporting our 2 DC.

I think most people would run through every scenario. Even awful things such as your dc dying and wanting more to "replace" them.

Having a rainbow baby is in no way the same as having a 'replacement'

BeMorePanda you're quoting me out of context. I was responding to the assertion that the snip is risk free, not comparing it to other options.

Nobody who is pointing out that the snip should be a free choice given due consideration is saying a woman should take sole responsibility for contraception either. A man can decline surgery. A woman can decline other forms of contraception too.

There's certainly no easy answer for long term fertility management but that doesn't mean anybody has the right to expect another person to undergo surgery.

I did indeed badger DH into a snip.

Nice

How would you like it if he had badgered you to get sterilised?

"I think if men were the ones who were pg, had miscarriages, episiotomies, tears and c sections then yes, I would support their right to ask their partner to do their bit and get sterilised. Seems fair to share the load and not expect one person to do everything including be responsible for contraception."

As the biology means that is an impossible scenario.

You can't 'share the load' when it's biologically impossible.

Yes to taking turns with reversible contraception.

But sterilisation is a life-changing surgical procedure, and it's really important that each person makes up their own mind about their own body.

I'd be horrified if DH expected me to have an operation that I did nit want to have, to 'correct' an 'unfairness' that is a matter of biology not choice.

Having a rainbow baby is in no way the same as having a 'replacement'

Hence the inverted commas

I would find his reasoning e.g. 2nd family v annoying/upsetting.

YANBU to ask about the snip. If he doesn't want it, it's his choice.

You can then say either condoms or no sex though.

He did try that. I told him to get stuffed, that I'd done my bit, that it was a significantly more invasive procedure for me to be sterilised than him, and that it was also a damn sight harder to get the doctors to sign off on a female sterilisation than a male one. These things are true and he saw the light.

Dh is one of the 10% - worst decision we ever made.

birdybirdywoofwoof I'm so sorry to hear this. We thought this was us but luckily dh recovered after several months. Well he still has massive pain but only from time to time.

Yanbu

Especially in light of previous pregnancies and miscarriage.

Time he stepped up and took some responsibility.

Birdy, we're part of the known 10% too. Two hospitalisations, one op, 4 infections, countless cysts and daily pain.

Oh it's shit isn't it, show.

I do appreciate the 'it's his turn to take responsibility argument' but it's important to re-iterate it's not the minor procedure that it is often portrayed as (even the word 'snip' makes it sound easy).
It can be bloody awful.

I find it interesting that so many on MN think that this is an area where its OK to badger, belittle, blackmail, and coerce someone in to doing something that they don't want to do.

I would have liked DH to have the snip , he wasn't so keen
I asked to have my tubes cut but was advised to have the mirena coil
Which for me was the best thing ever
Look at the alrenatives
It's your body , sadly in the end it's up,to you