Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu Wife is excluding me from decisions

75 replies

Axxxkay · 14/10/2016 19:26

Just had first child, ds. He stayed in hospital for the first 10 days with sepsis. (All clear now thank god Smile)... However wife has been excluding me from all decisions. She goes shopping with her friends and family for clothes, chose his pram, crib, bedding without consulting me, yet I'm still footing the bill (it's not about the money). She phones the doctors with issues and doesn't tell me, now I have just found out via letter left lying about ds has vaccinations on Monday and a follow up blood test to make sure there is no lingering effects. And she says that she is taking mother with her and she didn't think to tell me. AIBU to want to be apart of the decisions to raise ds?

OP posts:
DianaMitford · 14/10/2016 19:28

Sounds very odd behaviour to me. Is there a backstory? Has she only been like this since the birth?

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2016 19:29

I'm assuming you've talked to her about this?

PoppyPicklesPenguin · 14/10/2016 19:30

YANBU - to want to be a parent to your son and make joint decisions. You need to talk with her about how you are going to parent together.

YABVU - to say your footing the bill, even with your caveat.

Haggisfish · 14/10/2016 19:31

Do you live together? Have you been in paternity leave? This all seems a little odd-my husband and I knew when we had last been for a wee at this stage, we spent so much time together and with ds!

HappyInL0nd0n · 14/10/2016 19:32

Not in the slightest. But I'm sure you know this. Have you talked to her about how you're feeling?

Do you take the initiative about things in other areas of your shared life, or does she usually make decisions and tell you about them afterwards?

My husband and I don't get things right all of the time, but we definitely take the time to discuss the bigger stuff and make decisions together.

I moved one of our daughter's vaccination appointments without telling him, and I was really surprised when he told me that he was hurt about this - I hadn't realised that it was a big issue for him. I took it on board, apologised and made sure not to do it again. Other things - like her clothes or what kind of bedding to get - he's not terribly interested, so I crack on. But bigger things - like how to approach weaning or night sleeping, those types of things - we do our own homework, share ideas and agree together.

AyeAmarok · 14/10/2016 19:32

Doesn't sound like she feels or expects any support from you whatsoever.

Why is that?

TheCatsMother99 · 14/10/2016 19:35

Seems strange. Is there any reason why she might think you're not interested?

Either way, best discuss and sort it sooner rather than later.

Original poster
Axxxkay · 14/10/2016 19:35

We were unmarried before we found out about ds. She said numerous times she doesn't need me and can raise him herself, but I have said since day one I will do whatever it takes to make sure he grows up in a stable loving family. She wanted me to marry her if I wanted to be in his life, but now she acts like she doesn't want me to have an influence now that we are...just wondering if it could be post partum depression or if anyone else has acted like this/knows someone like this?

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 14/10/2016 19:39

Do you live together at the moment / are you quite young..

Does seem a tad strange. These days (with a 10 y/o) DW happily sorts out the child admin - but for the first few years we both took part in everything.

topcat2014 · 14/10/2016 19:40

sorry - just read you said DW - so assuming you are living together.

Do you have family near by, or has DW family always tended to 'take over'.

Time to try (gently) and assert that you, DW and DS are the family unit now.

JellyBelli · 14/10/2016 19:43

It sounds to me like she thinks you married her because you had to. Think back to how it was brought up and discussed.
At any point did you mention she had to be independant?
Have you suggested you go out shopping for stuff together?

Soubriquet · 14/10/2016 19:48

Do you ever get a chance to look after him on your own?

Have you offered and been refused.

Original poster
Axxxkay · 14/10/2016 19:55

I will admit that the only reason I married her is to be with ds as she said she would raise him without me if I didn't (keep my name off the birth certificate, not allow me to have an input etc), however I am trying to make this work. But I just hope that there may be another reason for her behaviour, I have read some women experience depression, or the stress of being pregnant and Labour can sometimes cause them to act out of character. I would really like to make this work, for all our sakes.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2016 19:58

I will admit that the only reason I married her is to be with ds as she said she would raise him without me if I didn't (keep my name off the birth certificate, not allow me to have an input etc), however I am trying to make this work. This is not a way to manage three lives. Counselling? You both need to be parents and do it well without all this nonsense.

smarterthanhim · 14/10/2016 20:02

She sounds like she doesn't want you around.

Nurszilla · 14/10/2016 20:03

If my DH had the attitude that he was only with me because of our children then I would prefer to raise them on my own or co-parent separately. Seems more like a relationship issue than a mental health one.

ijustwannadance · 14/10/2016 20:11

Do you even like each other?
Sounds to me like she just wanted a child regardless and you are surplus to requirements. I wouldn't say PND at all.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 14/10/2016 20:13

If my DH had the attitude that he was only with me because of our children then I would prefer to raise them on my own or co-parent separately.

But would you blackmail your DP into marrying you for a stake in his child's life? I don't feel sorry for her at all.

No, you're not being unreasonable, OP. She can't exclude you. You're in the child's life full-stop. You have parental responsibility. Make that clear to her in the most non-threatening way possible.

Idefix · 14/10/2016 20:13

You sound lovely op, and your wife not so much better.

I would suggest relate (you would have to foot the bill) and not a mental health appt would be more appropriate.

It sounds like your wife may now be regretting marrying you given you only did so to have access to your ds.

Nurszilla · 14/10/2016 20:15

Never said I felt sorry for her, said it was a relationship issue and not a mental health one.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 14/10/2016 20:17

Are you saying she blackmailed you in to marriage?

You could stop being a door mat.

SortAllTheThings · 14/10/2016 20:19

I was like this when DD was seriously ill as a newborn. Didn't mean to, but I felt like I was the only one taking things seriously

You're not exactly getting involved, are you? You could be buying clothes, organising things too you know. It sounds like you're just standing by and waiting to be involved, while she's just getting on with it.

SortAllTheThings · 14/10/2016 20:20

*and waiting for her to involve you

MLGs · 14/10/2016 20:21

Talk to her. Lots. In a non confrontational way.

Counselling also a good idea.

Getting a sensible sensitive family member to helpy you communicate how you feel if you choose the right person.

WingsofNylon · 14/10/2016 20:21

She gave you an ultimatum to marry her or lose rights to brig the baby's farther?! That is terrible. I don't think it is PND I think she is controlling and not particularly nice.

Make sure your name does go on the birth certificate OP and if you feel it is worth it perhaps try therapy.