Aibu Wife is excluding me from decisions

[Axxxkay]

Just had first child, ds. He stayed in hospital for the first 10 days with sepsis. (All clear now thank god )... However wife has been excluding me from all decisions. She goes shopping with her friends and family for clothes, chose his pram, crib, bedding without consulting me, yet I'm still footing the bill (it's not about the money). She phones the doctors with issues and doesn't tell me, now I have just found out via letter left lying about ds has vaccinations on Monday and a follow up blood test to make sure there is no lingering effects. And she says that she is taking mother with her and she didn't think to tell me. AIBU to want to be apart of the decisions to raise ds?

[PuntasticUsername]

"But I just hope that there may be another reason for her behaviour, I have read some women experience depression, or the stress of being pregnant and Labour can sometimes cause them to act out of character. I would really like to make this work, for all our sakes."

In the nicest possible way: I don't think it's likely to be this. I think you are grasping at straws (and...putting the boot in a bit when you're down, but I can't not say it...I think it's pretty shitty to be desperately hoping that she's got mental health issues as surely that's the only possible explanation for her rejecting you ). I think it's much more likely that she just doesn't want you in her or DS's life.

If so: tough. You're his dad and (assuming you're not abusive or otherwise horrible) you have as much responsibility as she does to parent your child. You don't have to be married to his mother to make that work.

[donajimena]

I'm sorry but I don't think its unreasonable to mention footing the bill. If you don't want to be involved in a child's life then of course you should be giving financial support.
The OP WANTS to be involved, isn't deemed good enough until it comes to the cash register.. not on.

[WingsofNylon]

Oh and I am sorry for the stress of your baby being ill. It must have been hard for you.

Could you approach this with the health visitor? Explain that you find she is very independent which makes it hard for you to get involved.

[Soubriquet]

Are you actually trying to participate in the family and upbringing of your son though OP?

Have you spoken to her?

You're not just sitting back and letting her get on with it are you?

Have you tried offering to have your son for an hour whilst she has a sleep for example

[WingsofNylon]

Why is everyone saying she obviously does want him involved? She backmailed him to getting married ffs! even if she has now changed her mind there is a big issue there!

[Starlight2345]

I assume baby was very poorly for a while..

My DS was poorly when he was born..DH ( now ex) went home and I had to make decisions.. Again he is fine but EXH was no help I got used to making food on my own.

Maybe why don't you suggest a shopping trip with lunch out..

I think the 2 of you are going to have to learn how to communicate though.

[deathandtaxes123]

poppy

I think you're being unfair. He's given the facts of the situation.

I don't fancy being excluded from my child's life but being handed the bill of my DH was buying things without so much as "do you like this?" He would be the same with me.

YANBU OP.

[Axxxkay]

It's not being a doormat to be in ds life, unfortunately the law still hasn't caught up with where it should be and fathers don't have PR unless it's court ordered or we are named on the birth certificate (either by being married to the mother at time of birth or consent is given by the mother). I know we have issues, but I just wanted to see if anyone else had experienced this, or knows of someone who went through something similar. It might seem something minor to dress ds in clothes bought by friends instead of something his father bought, or to forget to mention a vacc appointment, but it bothers me and I don't know if I am BU or not.

[everythingis]

My marriage started wobbling as soon as dc1 was born. Exh was driving me nuts trying to micro manage even in the midwife appointments trying to make it all about him.
Apart from the time in hospital your dw has only made decisions about very routine things - mundane even with baby clothes and pram. When to book the jabs. I assume you are back at work?
She would use the proceeds every day surely it's her choice?

[everythingis]

Pram not proceeds!

[everythingis]

Unless the two of you have been deciding together whether to vax or not I don't see the issue?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Shopping for baby stuff and managing appointments - aren't you pleased she is taking your babies needs seriously? If you are paying, then you are involved. Why would you care you didn't get the buggy you wanted, I presume she will use it most?

It sounds like you want in on every last detail. If I were you I'd back off. Clean the house. Cook some meals. Buy her thoughtful gifts, if you and her are getting on well enough. Gently be the backbone to your young family with no pressure. Slowly win your wives trust and care for the baby, bond with him.

But if there's absolutely no relationship there with your wife, even after trying counselling. Then I'd break up, no point living in mutual disdain.

[RepentAtLeisure]

Regarding your marriage, you will both need to work at it. It sounds like you are in a mutual huff.

Regarding the baby, do you take any initiative at all, or wait for instructions and updates? Do you buy things for the baby yourself? Because it all sounds a bit 'wifework' on the face of it, like she is supposed to be the facilitator between you and the baby. If you want to go to the appointment, go. No-one will kick you out. If you want to buy a piece of baby equipment, buy it. Being part of the decision making sounds like you want her to present you with all information to make a decision on. Get involved with the day to day communication and care, decisions will naturally follow.

[Strokethefurrywall]

No YANBU. It seems that she just sees you as a cash cow for her and your DS but wants to block you from making any decisions for your child.

If you have asked to be involved, bought clothes for him, asked to be told when vaccinations and doctors appointments are and she's actively not telling you then you have a bigger issue.

It's not her suffering with mental health issues, it's her deciding that she's going to raise this child alone without your input regardless that you want to be involved.

Despicable behavior from her.

[ClaudiaJean2016]

It sounds to me like she actually wanted to raise him alone and not to be with you. She can't exclude you from your child's life, but you might want to rethink whether or not your marriage is what you really want it to be and if it ever can be. If it's not, you would be better off not being together. You can still be involved in your son's life without being with her.

[NerrSnerr]

I thin YANBU but your OP doesn't seem to focus on the most important stuff. Are you involved in the day to day care of your child? Are you spending lots of time with him? I would say that is more important than buying prams.

[madgingermunchkin]

You were a sperm donor, and she was hoping you would take her offer to bail and run.

It's not worked out how she wanted, so now she's just going to use you as a bank balance.

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

It's being a door mat if your child is being used as a bargaining tool to get what your wife wants.

You would have got parental rights regardless if you were married or not and I can't believe you had your arm twisted up your back to marry someone for the sake of having your name on the certificate. (I'm sure you could have applied to have it on any way)

I didn't consulte Dh on this bsbies pram - I just shown him a pic, he made all the right noises and made sure there was enough money for me to buy stuff. I've never taken him to a vac appointment either as he was at work.

Although he did come to a kidney scan appointment as it was a 'real' appointment.

If this is like some buisness arrangement where both of you know that you are only in because of ds then of course it's going to be shit. Are you still sleeping with each other?

[RepentAtLeisure]

My guess is that the OP works fulltime (to foot the bill) and his wife is a SAHP, but please correct if I'm wrong. If I'm right it naturally means she'll have more time with their child. I suspect that neither adult wants to share the child. Is it possible OP that your insecurity about the whole situation is manifesting itself in a need to know and control everything? I've never before heard of a man being upset that his child is in clothes that weren't bought by him.

[Taylor22]

Sounds like she wanted the sperm but not you.
Is your son BF? If not one day get up start getting you and DS ready and TELL her that you and DS are going out together. She is more than welcome to join you so that you can spend a lovely day as a family but that no one else is coming.

[AcrossthePond55]

As a rule I made the decisions as to prams, clothes, nursery decor, etc but that was because DH didn't really care about those things. He only cared that our children had them and that they were safe and comfortable (and were within the budget). Doctors appointments were made at the convenience of whichever of us took them (usually me). But major decisions (vax, schooling, names, etc) were a joint decision. But I'm older and that was pretty much they 'way it was' back then.

I think that either your DW thinks the same or (and I think this is much more likely) that she doesn't have all that much trust in your relationship and so must live each day preparing to be a single parent. How can she trust in your marriage when it's not based on mutual love and a desire to be together? She knows that you're only there because of your child and that there's a real possibility you may very well bugger off someday if you decide that you can be an equally involved father living elsewhere OR if you happen to meet the woman that you do love.

Her mistake was telling you to marry her 'or else'. Your mistake was doing it.

[Marynary]

I don't really think that choosing a pram, bedding or clothes without you is a big deal. What was the decision with regard to vaccinations or blood tests?

[RepentAtLeisure]

Well to be honest he's not telling us much about her at all. Some of this is quite ambiguous. For instance "she says that she is taking mother with her and she didn't think to tell me" - does the OP mean he would like to go instead of her DM, or go as a couple and not with her DM, or that he'll be at work but wants her to go alone, or get his approval to go with someone else?

[BestZebbie]

I think that YANBU to want to be involved in the "fun" parts of having a newborn as well as the stressful, hospital-based, sleepless parts. Picking out a pram together can be an exciting, bonding experience for parents-to-be - and it is normal to discuss large purchases with your spouse at least to some extent before buying them.
Having said that, she is also NBU to shop for clothes with friends and family etc as well. As long as it isn't blowing the family budget (for example, if the friends are paying as gifts to the baby), then it is OK to have some things that aren't decided by committee too.

[madgingermunchkin]

But surely any of you women at least mention "oh, btw, we went for baby's vaccs today, he was so good, didn't cry. We have a follow up appoint next week to check everything's a ok." Or words to such effect.

His wife has said nothing about any of it. That's odd.