Aibu Wife is excluding me from decisions

[Axxxkay]

Just had first child, ds. He stayed in hospital for the first 10 days with sepsis. (All clear now thank god )... However wife has been excluding me from all decisions. She goes shopping with her friends and family for clothes, chose his pram, crib, bedding without consulting me, yet I'm still footing the bill (it's not about the money). She phones the doctors with issues and doesn't tell me, now I have just found out via letter left lying about ds has vaccinations on Monday and a follow up blood test to make sure there is no lingering effects. And she says that she is taking mother with her and she didn't think to tell me. AIBU to want to be apart of the decisions to raise ds?

[RepentAtLeisure]

But the baby hasn't had the vacc's yet for her to tell him how it went.

[BombadierFritz]

did you say you wanted to take time off and go for the vax? did they tell you both on discharge what the situation was?
do you think you were supportive and involved in your sons care while he was hospitalised? (v sorry to hear he was so.ill). it might be that she found you disinterested then and has withdrawn/lowered her expectations. just a guess.

[gonetoseeamanaboutadog]

Maybe it's a clash of expectations, OP. Many men wouldn't care about the kinds of things you're caring about. You do care and you need to find common ground.

Possibly all your DW has seen is men who leave the parenting to their wives and MILs. So she's assuming she can 'have' that. If it's going to work between you, you might both have to give up some ground to meet in the middle.

I was like a mummy tiger when my DS was born. I was a woman possessed. Couldn't stop myself from audibly gasping when my DH handled the baby at the start. Had nightmares in which he was being grabbed and I literally thought my heart was going to stop beating, it was so impossible that I could keep living without him.

Unless you've carried a child for nine months (and towards the end, you're doing quite a bit of parenting all on your own which is a big responsibility to step away from) I don't think you can understand the hormones and the ruthless drive to protect 'your' little being. Wise mums who feel this try to temper it a bit because they recognise it's dad's baby too - but it's very, very hard. There's a sort of detaching period when you haven't quite grasped that the baby isn't still attached to you and the baby hasn't grasped it either - that can go on for a while.

So you're not unreasonable but you're wise to realise there's little point expecting a new mum to be reasonable in all circumstances.

[DontMindMe1]

'marry in haste....repent at leisure'

Sounds to me like she's been playing you all along.

You could still have had access to and pr for your ds - just means you have to get it via legal route.

The only thing marriage gives her is security - namely if you break up she can take more than half of everything and claim on your pension.

She's got you where she wants you and is carrying on regardless.
What you need to do - other than have a proper grown up conversation - is to get on top of your sons daily routine and needs yourself.
You should know by now that dc need to be vaccinated - that discussion should have taken place
You know dc will be getting weighed/assessed - what actions have you taken to find out about appointments and make time for them?
You don't need her permission to attend your sons vaccination appointment, so what if her mum is going with her - doesn't mean you can't go along
Speak to your gp if you are worried about her mental/emotional state and how things are at home

Sorry to say it but it sounds like she's used you for security reasons, probably also deliberately got pregnant cos she wanted a baby of her very own. Doesn't sound like she wants you to have any input in her sons life.

what would be a better idea is to seek legal advice and actually understand the implications, rights and responsibilities that you have as a husband and father.

[Idefix]

Rtft Dont he only married her to have a relationship with his child. They are both as bad as each other.

[Axxxkay]

It's not about controlling her or micro managing its about being involved. An example being, due to ds's sepsis he was prescribed a course of two antibiotics. However without my knowledge dw decided to withdraw consent for giving one of the antibiotics because her mother told her that side effects could include renal failure or hearing loss, her mother who has no medical knowledge googled the name of the antibiotic and was so cavalier with my sons medication, and dw without qualification decided to stop the doctor. It was only after the doctor called me to confirm dw's decision did I come to know of this.
My point is, if she disregards and excludes me from minor things like the pram or clothes, when it comes to more important things like education or medication then she won't give me a second thought.

[DontMindMe1]

which is why i suggested you seek legal advice and protect yourself and your relationship with your ds.

You HAVE the right to be involved in all decisions like this - but you will need to fight for it.
You would be in a stronger position regards having input on medical;/school etc decisions if you were separated/divorced and applied for access.

By the sounds of it you're going to need legal help anyway after you split up - which you will at some point.

[RepentAtLeisure]

Well, you absolutely should have been in on that decision, yes! Withdrawal of medication is a far cry from who buys the babygro's.

[BombadierFritz]

the antibiotic thing is a whole different level. it sounds like v serious cracks in the relationship tbh, like you just dont talk to each other at all. I hope things improve. remember your wife just gave birth plus the shock of sepsis for you both to deal with - so a huge amount of stress. even a strong relationship might falter. were you with your wife and child in hospital those 10 days? does she usually rely onher mum so much?

[NameChange30]

How long were the two of you in a relationship for before she got pregnant?

I'm sorry OP but it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.

If it's salvageable at all, you would need couple's counselling, but only if she is willing to go and make an effort to improve things. It doesn't sound as if she's interested at all.

[SixthSenseless]

Op, YANBU, but the situation sounds very difficult .

I don't understand her: why would someone who was saying she could / would go it alone have 'unless you marry me' as her alternative? Are you very wealthy, or something ?

Does she love you? Do you love her? Or is this all about the baby?

It is good that you are so keen and determined to support your son . It was outrageous to withdraw consent for medication when he was so poorly .

I think the whole problem is rooted in her attitude to your relationship . You are the baby's Dad and she needs to be honest : does she want a live in, family relationship with you, or co-parenting as a separated couple.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all actually.

[Axxxkay]

Ha (I wish but) no I am not wealthy, complete opposite really she was at uni studying for her masters when we first met, we only knew each other 4 months. I was working, I had two sports cars and didn't watch my spending as it was all disposable income. But as soon as I found out about ds, sold the cars, put the money aside for him and am now working for a deposit for a house too.

But it should be a partnership at every level. I'm just surprised by these actions and wondering why she would causally disregard my role. Her mother is twice divorced so I get that she doesn't expect much from me based on her past experiences, but I have been explicit about how I want to be there for everything

[Optimist3]

The things you mention are all things I would do without necessarily discussing with husband. My husband is quite happy. He would rather I said which pram I had bought, then be involved with mountains of mundane decision faffing about something he will rarely use. Medical appointments I might initially forget to mention if I was very shattered. I generally just crack on with things and often when I see my husband after his work, I'm on my last legs. He trusts me to make decisions though and we love each other.

[user1474320794]

Have you asked her why she would keep these things about blood tests and antibiotics from you? Seems strange, maybe she has got abit of pnd.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

So what do you think is the issue? Do you love each other? Is there any mutual respect? I can't see how there could be given the way you were pretty much blackmailed. Surely the best idea would be to leave this bad attempt at a marriage behind you and find a way to raise your son amicably?

[user1474320794]

Not telling you about pram or clothes I get but anything medically I agree she should have told you, I told my partner about every poo, wee and feed our newborn had

[Oswin]

Have you spoke to her?

When I had dd because of the man my dad was I assumed exp would be as much as a parent as I was.

He did nothing he has never took her docs it dentist ect.

He does not parent at all.

This was a massive shock to me.
My dad was completely involved, he was the sahp for a while.

My friend in the other hand had a shit dad so when she had her son just did everything her self because she thought this was just the way life was.

Do you see what I mean?

You also need to take some intinative on this.

Find things out yourself go to every appointment.

Be completely involved.

Don't expect her to be in charge.

Don't rely on her to sort everything out them moan about it.

[JoJoSM2]

Do you actually want to stay married to her? If you did it only to be named on your child's birth certificate, then mission accomplished. You haven't mentioned being pro-active with the baby, or talking to her about your feelings and expectations or caring about her etc... Just get divorced. Unless you think you love her very much and she's the love of your life - in which case get counselling.

[mum2Bomg]

YANBU but she may not realise you're interested in such things. I've sorted everything for our DD as I just didn't think DH really cared about sheets/appointments/nursery equipment. I might have to ask him now!

[mum2Bomg]

If it's relevant (and it seems it is from what you've said) it's very hard to rely on a man when you've had no positive men in your life. I know it is for me - I just kind of expect to have to do a lot of things on my own. Maybe she feels the same? If this is the case then it's completely instinctive and not planned or meant to cause upset...

[WiIdfire]

Given you haven't been together long, she is not used to having you around, you haven't had the chance to form a strong family unit yet, so perhaps she is just doing what she would have done in the past. What happens when you try to get involved? If you bring up the subject of car seats for example, does she discuss it or dismiss you? What happens if you get up in the night when baby is crying? How does she react when you change a nappy? I'd continue to be an active parent, TELL her when she leaves you out of something, and let her understand she can rely on you - she hasnt had chance to know she can yet.

[myownprivateidaho]

I completely agree with others that it sounds like the relationship has broken down. I think you'd probably both be better off if you split up and managed co-parenting from a bit more of a distance. Being married to someone you don't love is going to grind away at you both.

As for the medical appointments etc -- have you actually had a conversation about this stuff with her? Also, I think that it's a bit odd that you only mention the "decisions" in the baby's life - purchases and what medicines to take. You don't mention any of the day to day caring - feeding and cleaning the baby, getting up in the middle of the night etc... Do you do that stuff?

[Jinglebellsandv0dka]

op are you still sleeping with her. How close is your relationship? Do you live as man and wife or just two patents living under the same roof?

TBH I would have been furious over the antibiotics how did you deal with that?

[Marynary]

I think that not discussing whether or not to withdraw antibiotics is a much much bigger issue than not involving you in buying baby clothes or vaccinations. The fact you mentioned the former in the OP and the later only later on in the thread suggests you are a bit clueless. You also haven't mentioned whether you are involved in looking after your child on a day-to-day basis or your relationship with your wife in general which again is far more important than choosing baby clothes etc.