To hand my notice in

[teaandflowers]

Not so much an AIBU but more of a what what you do - but more traffic and honesty here I feel.

Current situation.

Work 20 miles from home. 4 days a week.
Stressful job. I have just been made permanent - perks include enhanced mat pay after a period of time which is what has kept me motivated for DC2 eventually.

I want to hand my notice in. I can't do it any more. I am literally at the end of my tether. I am exhausted. Home life is suffering because of it (OH and me argue as we're both stressed) and I don't get quality time with DS1. DS1 is a terrible sleeper and so I am at my breaking point.

AIBU to leave a reasonably well paid secure job given that I have nothing else to go to? I have a 3 month notice period so that would give me time to find something else closer to home and less hours. I have asked to reduce hours / work from home and they refused.

Should I hand my notice in to have a better home life?

How long can you afford to manage without your salary for, do you have savings?

First find something else, then hand in your notice. You need to be financially secure but don't stay somewhere that makes you miserable.

Get pregnant - it must be relevant that you posted about the enhanced mat leave.

Could you do it the other way around - as in find another job first, and then resign? I can understand wanting to do it now if you're at the end of your tether but the job market being what it is these days it can be a gamble to leave a job without something else lined up.

Oh dear :( what a shame, 20 miles is not bad distance providing the traffic isn't hell and a 4 day week with the prospect of great Mat leave allowances etc is rare.

It's hard to say. My instinct would be to try and find ways to better manage the stress before I bailed on the job.

What is it that makes it so stressful?

It depends, can you afford to be unemployed? Personally I'd find another job first before resigning.
Is your OH helping with your DS at night?

The issue with finding something else first is my notice period. I would only be looking for a part time admin type job and they would not wait 3 months for the position to be filled.

No massive savings but we would manage provided I find a small part time job.

I can't get pregnant yet as I don't qualify for the enhanced mat leave until late next year - not 100% sure how it works.

20 miles is a lot but I have to leave the house at 7am to get there in time and then I am not getting to nursery to collect DS1 until gone 5.

The team I am in isn't very well managed. We are a new team and I am still relatively new and not fully up to speed. We are also massively under staffed in our department.

My flexible working request was declined yet another colleague had hers granted so feeling a bit put out about that.

Oh, that sounds like a really long day. Can your DH tweak his hours to drop off or pick up your DS or get up in the night for him?

I feel for you, it sounds like you are Looking after your DS by yourself.

Perhaps you could be more assertive at work and say no if they try to pile more work on you?

Don't leave unless and until you have another job to go to.

The hours/commute don't sound that bad, although they could of course be a lot better.

Potentially risky, but if you're thinking about giving notice why not tell your current employer that you're very unhappy and looking for other jobs and see if they could reconsider your flexible working request. (Depends on what you were asking for though. I don't think it's possible to do much meaningful work if you have sole care of a baby).

What reason did they give for not reducing your hours ?

If you don't want to stay there start job hunting. No, I wouldn't leave without another job to go to. Has your husband submitted a flexible working request?

Does your DH help much at home? I agree those hours and commute aren't that bad considering also it's 4 days a week.

I would really try to stick it out for a bit longer. The benefits sound good. Hopefullt your DC will start sleeping better in the near future which would make a world of difference to how you feel (hopefully!)

I would put the feelers out if there is jobs around you. My dad always said it's better to be in a job looking for a job. If you are confident you can get employement within your 3 months go for it.

No job is worth your health, mental or physical. Kids only grow up once.

The team I am in isn't very well managed. We are a new team and I am still relatively new and not fully up to speed. We are also massively under staffed in our department.

If you're new, I think you should give it more of a chance. The benefits you described, you wouldn't even get in some full time permanent positions, let alone part time ones. Things might get easier once you are up to speed, or they get more staff.

Tbh, your hours don't sound that bad to me. Before mat leave, i was leaving the house at half 7, and I wasn't getting back home until after 7. I will be doing the same once I go back to work, if not more, as we are moving further out of London. i know it sucks, but surely job security is a priority if you have a family to take care of.

Forgot to add, I work 5 days a week, and that won't be changing.

I don't think the hours and commute sound that bad either but the newness of the team might be stressful - which ought to improve.

DO NOT resign without a job. I have been looking for a year. Someone I know has been without a permanent job for 2 years and she's far more qualified and experienced than me. The job market is terrible and you may be unhappy but you'll be more unhappy when you can't pay the bills.

Is there a possibility of starting earlier and leaving later?

I wouldn't get pregnant because you'd have to go back eventually unless you want to pay back your mat leave.

Unless you walk, the distance of the commute isn't really relevant. What makes the difference is how long it takes and how many transport changes you have (as that adds delays, particularly in bad weather.)

How long have you been working there? If it's less than two years, you don't have many rights, so I'd be wary of telling a manager I was thinking of leaving, particularly as you're not up to speed yet - they probably can afford to lose you.

I would look for other work, and when I got another job, push for early release.

I would have a look and see what you can improve to make things easier at home, before you quit the job. I'd imagine if DS1's sleep improved the job might seem an awful lot easier. Does your OH do his bit at home? Cold you take it in turns to get up with DS so you are not quite
as tired?

Have you sat down and worked out your costs, expenses etc? Eg if you quit and hadn't found another job 6 months down the line could you afford that?
DH and I are both out of work at the moment. Personally I'd much rather have a stressful job and 20 mile commute than our current situation.
But you do need more support from work, could you push back to your manager/HR to ensure they understand you're stressed to the point where you want to quit?
If your team is already understaffed they'd be foolish to ignore that.

I'm in a similar situation. 5 days a week, 30 mile commute, leave at 6:30am, home at 5:30pm, 3 months notice.

I started job hunting and had three offers. All three places were willing to wait three months for me, even though it wasn't ideal for any of them, but I am in a fairly specialised role. If yours is the type of role where you can expect a reasonable number of applicants for each job, I think you'll have to bite the bullet and quit.

I understand your desperation to leave but I wouldn't hand my notice in without another job to go to, unless I absolutely did not need the money. Part-time local jobs with family friendly hours are like gold dust so I'm not convinced that it's something you would be able to get easily, and it can be even harder to get a job when you are unemployed.

I don't think your hours are unreasonable - I'm guessing you are working 8-4 with roughly an hour commute either side. Pretty much the hours I do. And only four days a week which gives you a 3 day weekend - I think there are a lot of people who would kill for that.

As for the flexible working - how long has the other person been there? If you are new and still learning they may feel that you need to be in the office for the time being in order for you to get up to speed.

From your post I am assuming you were temporary and then made permanent, did you duties change or has the role always been a bit stressful?
Personally I would sit down with OH to work out what can be done to minimise the stress at home, what is actually causing the arguments - is it unfair division of household duties or something bigger?

Only you can decide what is best in this situation but if you are planning a second child then you need to work out how you would survive without any real income once the baby is born.

I sympathise with you OP, I feel the same way about my job - I have a fantastic salary and probably the best pension you can get, but I am not happy. My role was significantly changed a year ago and I now detest what I do, and am incredibly bored. I may have a chance to join another company but it would mean a slight pay cut in real terms. As the main breadwinner I have to decide whether to stick this out and be miserable or take a pay cut and be happy.

Just how stressed are you (and your family?). I would suggest that rather than handing in notice / changing jobs, time out sounds like what you need just now. It may very well be appropriate for you to have 2 weeks (or longer) sick leave; or alternatively can you ask for unpaid leave / holiday? In that time you need to rest, regroup, reconnect with your family and son, and then see what things actually need to change and how to change them.

My first attempt at going back to work with my eldest nearly broke me completely. One thing I sorted out eventually was the sleeping, but I couldn't start to do it until I had the "head space" to confront it with an effective method that I felt happy to use.

Good luck and I hope you can get a break somehow in which to make "safer" long term decisions. (decisions made under high stress aren't always safe if you see what I mean)