To hand my notice in

[teaandflowers]

Not so much an AIBU but more of a what what you do - but more traffic and honesty here I feel.

Current situation.

Work 20 miles from home. 4 days a week.
Stressful job. I have just been made permanent - perks include enhanced mat pay after a period of time which is what has kept me motivated for DC2 eventually.

I want to hand my notice in. I can't do it any more. I am literally at the end of my tether. I am exhausted. Home life is suffering because of it (OH and me argue as we're both stressed) and I don't get quality time with DS1. DS1 is a terrible sleeper and so I am at my breaking point.

AIBU to leave a reasonably well paid secure job given that I have nothing else to go to? I have a 3 month notice period so that would give me time to find something else closer to home and less hours. I have asked to reduce hours / work from home and they refused.

Should I hand my notice in to have a better home life?

I would also give it a bit more of a chance, but then I would be terrified of giving up a good, secure job. I also don't think the hours and commute sound that bad.

4 days a week is great but the long days must be hard when very sleep deprived If you are near breaking point & feeling sad, upset and irritable can you take a break? Are you able to go to bed earlier and husband take over for a few days a week? Then you can find the energy to job hunt? So very hard when you are too tired to care :(

Those hours sound very manageable to me, and the commute is nothing compared to most people I know.

You mention DS1 is a terrible sleeper - perhaps that's the fix you need to work on. Because the job on its own doesn't sound like it's the thing that's breaking you.

I think this is a joint decision for you and your husband and it depends very much on finances.

With my sensible hat on I'd book a couple of days' leave just to get your breath back now, and then start counting down the days to christmas. Give yourself a time limit, eg promise yourself you'll give it a good go until March, and if it's still not working, resign then. If it's bearable by then, stick it out until enhanced mat pay kicks in at least.

If you take the enhanced package would you have to return for a period of time afterwards? If so, and you still really hate it, would you honestly return and put both DC in childcare? If not, there's no point staying on for the mat leave. But either way, if you can face it, take a breather now and give it a specified time to improve before you quit.

And I agree with others that lack of sleep is awful and could be (1) the real reason you're at the end of your tether, (2) makes everything else so much harder to cope with and (3) may be affecting your decision making.

seriously, those hours seem amazing to me! and 20 miles really isn't far. I'm up at 6, leave at 7.30 to do school drop, back at 7.30, work 5 days a week and have 2 young kids - commute over an hour into London. I think you need to get the sleeping sorted - how old is DS1? That is the issue here, not your job which sounds pretty amazing tbh.

I would focus on getting the sleeping issue resolved. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and you cannot be expected to be happy or function right without it.

I really don't think it's helpful for people to say they're out of the house 12+ hours a day. Normal nursery hours round here are 8-6. If you're out at 7 and back at 7 then you need some sort of extended hours provision that most childcare providers don't cover, or a DP to do all the runs. Yes people do it, but it's the exception rather than the norm or nurseries would all open 6am-8pm. OP is fully entitled to be struggling even if random internet people don't get home until 7.00.

No-one's saying she's not entitled to be struggling. They're saying that the likely reason for her struggling is lack of sleep - and that giving up a job without tackling that first is a bit premature.

7 to 7 hours are standard CM hours round here, BTW. And a few nurseries round here also do 7-7

yabu. sorry but in this day and age good jobs are like hens teeth.

definitely look for something better, but don't forfeit money, pension contributions etc because you are having a slump OP

plus you only work 4 days, so you need to work out how you can use your 3 days off to make the 4 working days better

ITS exhausting, but you gotta hang on in there and make adjustments

going back to work after mat leave it very tough

also
do you have a cleaner
is your OH helping with childcare, nursery runs and running the house
are you spending your whole weekend doing houseowkr
are you getting enough sleep (I am in bed by 9, I have to be)

RTFP she gets back for nursery pick up at 5! us "random internet people" are saying that's pretty good and that many of us don't get home until far later (and yes, DP does do pick ups). As Queen says, its the sleep that's likely to be the issue not the hours as they seem pretty reasonable.

Sounds exactly like my life,
Leave the house at 7, nursery drop off , 20mile drive into work. 7.50ish
Work until 4.30 back to nursery pick up, home around 5.3 depending on traffic

I have a cleaning lady so only do minimal cleaning during the week so when I get home I don't have much apart from the laundry to do, I also work. 4 days a week so really try to make our day off a fun mummy lo day.
I am unmotivated at work and mostly don't like it, going on mat leave next year ( stat I assume as they haven't said what I will get)

It does sound the job is more the issue, it's always easier to get a job while in another one and if you do eant another child it might be best to stick it out and get the enhanced pay rather than resetting the clock elsewhere.

Maybe a day off on your own might help.

Random internet people lol

I work 9-5.30 every day, that's pretty standard hours for a lot of people, including those with kids. My commute is an hour and a half each way, if the trains are on time. Once again, pretty standard for a lot of people.

I agree with other posters, I don't think the work hours or commute are the major issue. Tackling the sleep issues could make a huge difference to how the OP is feeling.

DS1 is a terrible sleeper and so I am at my breaking point

that's the problem, not your job which sounds normal

most work is stressful as fuck TBH

As someone who has handed in my notice without another job to go to, I'd say don't do it. As tough as it is (and believe me I know how soul destroying it is doing a stressful job you hate) it'll be a lot tougher to find work, particularly part time work, if you aren't already in a job. Even 'little admin jobs' have so many applicants - literally dozens and dozens of well qualified applicants who want something more family friendly, so it's not as easy to get one of these jobs as you think.

I would continue fighting for flexible hours. They need to give a good reason to turn you down and sounds like they might not have one if this other person got them!

I was turned down three times when I asked to go part time. I kept on at them till they finally said yes - they knew I would not back down!

How long have you been there? As soon as I could I'd book a couple of days off to get a bit of breathing space. Sometimes feeling like this is a sign that you need a break.

Hang in there

I too would stick it out a little bit longer, at least until the new year which isn't that far away!

The reason I'd stick it out is for the enhanced mat pay, it will make a huge difference as I'm guessing it must be good for you to mention it as a positive to the job!

Is there anything at home that can be changed to reduce the stress? We've struggled with dh working long hours, self employed without much time off throughout the year, so now, we plan the weekend in advance so it gives us something to get us through the week!

I don't think your three month notice period would necessarily be upheld unless you would be very difficult to replace - e.g. very specialised or very senior. If you apply for jobs now, assuming a normal month's notice it is deeply unlikely you would be sued for breach of contract. Especially as you are only just permanent. Can't imagine any court viewing three months notice as reasonable given the statutory minimum in your case is one week.

I can't get pregnant yet as I don't qualify for the enhanced mat leave until late next year - not 100% sure how it works.

Then find out, and stick the job out as long as possible so that you can hopefully make use of it.

I think your DH is not very supportive. If you are this stressed qnd knackard he ought to be seeing how he can help.

Have you been sahm for a while and he hasn't made adjustments?

Meli I did RTFP. OP is out of the house over 10 hours, it's not exactly 2 hours a day for pin money. And rather than sympathise you choose to remark on how wonderful it would be to only have to do what she's clearly struggling with? Nice.

Teaandflowers, yes, you should leave.
Your relationship and your health are very important.
Life is too short to waste time.
You will have 12 weeks, in which to find a new position.
You could broaden your horizons, and also look at care homes, supermarkets etc.
Don't push yourself to the limit, when you really don't have to. 💐💐

Well it is a tough situation to be in. What I would do is invest time and effort in finding a job that makes you happy and works for you. Apart from that, do you think there is a way for you to manage the stress of your current job? Also, do you think you can get used to what you do, or would you rather spend your time doing something else, money matter aside?

just some food for thought.

Notice periods are not normally legally enforceable (what are they going to do - chain you to your desk?!) Suggest find a new job, then resign and work whatever notice you think would be reasonable from your new employers perspective.